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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider taking ds (4) to my grandfather's funeral?

45 replies

LiegeAndLief · 02/12/2010 13:08

Am really not sure whether I am mad to consider it or not. There will be a cremation, a church service and a wake afterwards.

We didn't see my grandparents very often but ds was fond of my grandfather and has asked fairly often when we will be seeing him next. I went up to see him in hospital last weekend and ds really wanted to come (obviously I didn't take him, he was very ill and really not appropriate for a 4 year old to be on the ward). He is familiar with the idea of death etc as we have talked a lot about dh's dad, who died just before ds was born, and I thought it might make it easier for him to come to terms with it and maybe be a nice distraction for my mum and grandma at the wake.

Reasons against: I'm not sure how well he would sit through what would probably be a lengthy service; I am probably doing a reading and dh would be at home with dd (17 months) so am a bit worried about who would look after him when I got up to read. My mum and grandma will probably be in a bit of state. My brother will be there but he is childless and a bit clueless with regard to kids.

Anyone done this? How did it go?!

OP posts:

whatdoiknowanyway · 02/12/2010 14:24

We didn't take our children to their grandad's funeral for many of the reasons listed above.
But
When we got back my DD, then aged 5, had been unwell all the time we were away with a sore tummy. She was (is)a sensitive little soul and loved her grandad. Bit by bit we found out what was on her mind and she had been imagining terrible things went on at a funeral - not least everyone looking at a skeleton in a coffin. This was preying on her mind and explained why she was unwell. She was mourning too and with hindsight I would have taken her with me.

LaWeaselMys · 02/12/2010 14:26

DP's grandfather died recently, his grandmother wanted DD there, so we took her and DD was the only person to make her smile all day.

Ask your grandmother/mother, if they want your dc there then take them - because what they want ismore important than what is approriate.

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

Original poster

LiegeAndLief · 02/12/2010 14:27

It is entirely possible that my grandma would think it was inappropriate (she isn't really a small child kind of person) in which case I wouldn't take him, but I wanted to decide how I felt before asking iyswim.

I am not worried about ds being upset, he has seen me cry and not been fazed, he has seen dh cry when talking about dh's dad and we explained that it is ok to feel sad when someone you love isn't there any more, he was fine with that. I'm more worried about upsetting other people by taking him! I guess I am really thinking that I would like to take him because ds would probably want to go and I think it would be good for him, and not thinking too much about whether other people woudl like him there.

OP posts:

ConstanceFelicity · 02/12/2010 14:27

I would take him.
The funeral is an important part of processing grief, and I think it's healthy for children to see that people do cry when they're sad- They don't need to surpress it.

Original poster

LiegeAndLief · 02/12/2010 14:31

If it was one of my parents,, or my MIL, I would definietly take him, as they have been a big part of his life and I think it would be important for him to say good bye. My grandfather is one step removed and I'm not really sure how close ds feels to him.

OP posts:

ISNT · 02/12/2010 14:32

I think you need to find out the wishes of your Grandma TBH.

tigitigi · 02/12/2010 14:33

This is such a personal decision - we took my 6 mo to my mother's funeral and we have taken the kids to funerals of friends etc(we live near quite a few elderly people) my kids are now 4 and2. I am a firm believer in not hiding life from children and death is part of life. They both talk about my mother and that she is dead but still loves them from heaven where she is with god etc - they recognise her from photos etc. They have seen me break down very badly on a few occasions and if I say I am sad about her they say - 'because she died - that is sad she loved us all very much'. They know FIL is very ill and understand (in as much as they can in an age appropriate way).

That said I will only take them to a funeral if the main mourners are happy with it. Have you thought about getting a babysitter in to look after your youngest - you could then bring her to the wake later and have DH there to look after ds in the church. Alternatively your brother should be fine for a few mins.

anyway long post to say I am sure your DS will be fine whatever you choose to do - thereis really no right or wrong.

octopusinabox · 02/12/2010 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandyButterPie · 02/12/2010 14:40

My 3yo and 1yo DDs travelled in the funeral car with us to my grandads funeral!

DD1 said "we have to be very quiet and think about papa and not bounce on the seats, even though they are very bouncy"

They sat with the ILs (who had cut short thier holiday to travel to my old home town) as DH was carrying the coffin and I was reading (and crying). The ILs took them out for a walk when they made too much noise.

I was adamant that they should be there - my grandad loved tham and was very proud of them- he would have loved to show them off in his church.

DD1 was 2.5yo (DD2 inside me at the time) for BILs funeral. She only came to the wake as he was a young man and so the funeral itself was very very emotional, lots of wailing and crying and I didn't think she would take well to it.

I think you just need to play it by ear - is there nobody you could find to sit with them and take them out if need be?

ISNT · 02/12/2010 14:42

What if the principle mourners have requested that the children come, octopus?

KERALA1 · 02/12/2010 15:33

Aha think I have finally found an issue on which I dont agree with the majority as usually happens

PenelopeTitsDropped · 02/12/2010 16:49

So sorry for your loss.

A "wake" is an Irish Term.

I'm Irish; Children were always included in the whole proceedings.

We have the coffin in the "front room" and viewing of the body before it's taken to the Chapel.

Children/Aadults come in to view the body before it's buried

nannynobblystockingnobs · 02/12/2010 17:00

I took DD1, then 1, to my great- granny's funeral. She spent the service quietly chattering and going through my handbag on the floor. She was mentioned as being the first and only great-great grandchild my great granny had.
At the wake lots of the mourners came up to me and said they found her little happy noises and quiet chattering very comforting to hear and that my great granny would have loved it, saying "Ah she's only a wean!" (she was a Shetlander).
It's a bit of a sweeping assumption to say that any children taken to a funeral will be kicking chairs and being noisy though.

Lydwatt · 02/12/2010 17:09

we took my 2 kids to my grandad's funeral...he would have been proud to have all 6 of his great grand children there. I think seeing them in the world was something he was very proud to have achieved.

I loved having them there...they are disarmingly honest in their questions and other guests felt they gave a positive twist to a sad day.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 02/12/2010 17:25

I would take him. It would only be if he DID NOT want to go that I would make other arrangements.

ModreB · 02/12/2010 17:57

I am sorry for your loss.

When my grandmother died, DS1 was 6yo and DS2 was 4yo. DS1 had the emotional maturity to go to the funeral, and to cope with the sight of the other members of the family in obvious distress, in fact he walked up and down the pews handing out hankies!

But, at that time DS2 was not emotionally mature enough to cope.

What I am saying, is that it really depends on your child, you know your child and whether they will cope.

Another alternative, could you just take them to the wake?

radiohelen · 02/12/2010 18:39

Difficult one and a very personal decision. Me, I'm with chil... funerals are part of life and just as you would take them to a wedding, taking them to a funeral should be just another family event otherwise they do end up with bizarre and macabre ideas of what goes on. Obviously if someone else has strong feelings that there should be no children there then I guess you have to respect that but most people quite like having kids at these events as it does do the whole circle of life thing! As for the fidgeting, a hide like an elephant, a packet of chocolate digestives and a busy book should sort it. It does at all the weddings/christenings and Christmas services I've been to so far.

Original poster

LiegeAndLief · 03/12/2010 10:18

Thanks so much everyone for your stories and advice, and I'm very sorry for those of you who have lost loved ones.

The decison has been pretty much made for me, as the crematorium bit is going to be at 10:30am which means I will have to leave about 7:30 to get there on time, and it will be nearly impossible to get us all out of the house on time. I also have to pick my brother up on the way and we can't fit five people (plus two car seats) in either car. Dh is probably going to bring both kids later to the wake.

OP posts:

ISNT · 03/12/2010 21:26

I think that sounds like a good compromise

I am sorry for your loss.

taintedsnow · 03/12/2010 21:53

Yes, I agree that's a good compromise as well. But if you do change your mind and decide to take your DS, I really don't think there's a problem with it. I was offered the choice at that age about whether to go to the funeral of a close family member, and while I chose not to go, I still felt included and I think that was (and is) important.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope everything goes as well as can be expected on the day. x

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