To be a bit peeved with FIL

[CheeseChomper]

Right all, want some opinions as to whether or not iabu and super-sensitive and hormonal, or whether i'm justified in being a bit peeved with my FIL!

I actually adore my in-laws, they're such lovely people and have done a lot for me in the past, and are always the first to help out/give lifts/make sure DP and his siblings (and us partners) are okay.

However, yesterday about 5pm get a call from DP to say FIL was on his way over as trains had been buggered due to snow and he was stranded in our neck of the woods. Of course I welcomed him with open arms (as I would friend, family, even stranger in these current conditions). I was of course happy for him to have dinner with us, and we would've even put him up for the night on the sofa (no spare bed at the moment due to impending baby taken over our spare room!).

What DID piss me off, was the fact that he seemed oblivious to the fact that we might have been doing other things that evening, and when on phone to MIL to tell her where he was, was very breezy and was like "oh i'll wait here until 8pm and see what it's like outside", and then another phone call progressed to "Oh well there's no rush, i'll stay as long as I like and if the worst happens i'll stay over"- all without asking myself or DP. I must make VERY clear that of course in the snowy conditions we'd always have him stay and it wouldn't be an issue. In the end he got picked up by MIL at 11.30pm after lots of ummming and aaahing on the phone as to whether or not he was going to stay- again, without having awareness of us, and I was dying of tiredness (preggers!)

For some background, I think I may feel a bit peeved because FIL doesn't seem to acknowledge our flat as DP AND MY home, just DPs, even though we've lived together a year now and are expecting our first baby in January. DP owned our flat (with the help of his parents) before we got together and his name is on the mortgage. I, however, have always paid my share of the mortgage since moving in and we split the bills 50/50. It just feels that my inlaws can do what they like with our flat, and come and do what they want, because they helped DP buy it and he had it before I came along. I feel threatened because as far as i'm concerned when our baby arrives it will be our family home, and I don't like the fact that it doesn't feel like my home too when FIL does things like he did last night. Another example of soemthing that pissed me off was when the housephone rang last night, I went to answer it and FIL got there before me and answered it!!! Also asking to put the footie on and talking loudly over a programme I wanted to watch- it just seemed quite rude...

Am I being a hormonal nutter (31 weeks preggers here!) or was he rude and a bit out of line?

I feel that I feel this way as he's really lovely normally, but at the same time that he feels he can come in and do what he likes.

I didn't mean to cross anything out there. I meant to put it into italics

Cheesechomper remember its his baby too, so the cost of you not earning whilst on maternity leave etc etc is equally his cost.

If you did split (and were married) then you would of course have a big claim on the flat. Slightly more difficult if you are not married - I agree with other posters - either get married on name on deeds.

The inheritance tax point isn't really relevant - if you are married it can pass tax free regardless of whether you are on deeds (if you are not on deeds he'd need to leave it to you in a will.

However if his total assets are under the limit there is no IHT anyway, but as you are about to have a baby together I think you need to have this conversation.

You are being a bit U - it was a snowy Tuesday evening and you are heavily pg - no wonder he assumed that you didn't have plans.

Answering your phone is rude but not a big deal really. And yes, get your name on the deeds.

Cheesechomper - please don't start life with this man as a second class citizen in your relationship. You are having a baby together, which is a huge commitment and you need to be financially secure in your relationship if you are going to put your own career on hold to look after your children - which are also his let's not forget!

As things stand, if your DP died his parents would get the flat and you would be homeless and penniless.

If he loves you and is committed to you then he won't even bat an eyelid at you requesting to be added to the mortgage.

Well.... had a chat with DP last night (queue me doing pathetic lip wiggle and bursting into tears, DP was very alarmed! ), and he was so lovely and didn't realise how I was feeling (tbh I just don't think the whole security/house situation had crossed his mind) and has agreed to put my name on the deeds of the property too, result! His name will still be the only one on the actual mortgage because he will be paying this and not me from when I go on maternity leave, but that's fine by me. I just feel better that I will be more financially secure if the worst happens . We are also both going to draw up wills in the new year to we are both protected, and more importantly our little one will be should anything happen to us.

Thanks for your advice everyone!

Cheesechomper- I will probably get in trouble with this but if you want to get married in a few years why not do it now. It does not cost much to get a church or register office, you don;t need any of the other things and can do them later on when you have the money if you feel it is important then.

Being married will automatically give you security that you want and it seems a shame to sacrifice that for some expensive big day some time in the future. After all marriage is about a commitment to love, care and look after one another for life, it is not about a dress or a party or anything else.

That said, I don't thing you 'have' to be married or anything like that - just that it would seem to be the sensible thing to do given that you want to do it anyway,

whatever you choose good luck with your little one and your DP.

Thanks tigitigi

We're mainly not going to get married now as baby due in Jan and loads to sort anyway before then, and then will need time to get our heads around having a new member of our family, think we will look into it in the Spring. I know it's not about a dress or a party (not that arsed about those to be honest!), but nor do I want us to rush for the sake of it. Feel more secure now we're getting wills sorted and my name on the flat deeds.

Perhaps FIL had already checked with his son about how long he could stay & whether of not he could stay over?

Just a point that someone with more legal knowledge than me can probably confirm but the bank may not let you have your name on the deeds but not on the mortgage so you will need to speak to them.

My mum wanted to transfer the deeds of the house into her name only and the bank would only let her do this once the mortgage was paid off, granted this was the other way round (i.e. taking someone off rather than putting on) but banks can be quite fussy and annoying about things like this when they should be quite straightforward.

I am in this situation with my DP.He is the sole name on the new house we bought in March. I am sahm and we have just had twins (August). I don't know if any of tou know or not, but thought i would just bring it to your attention that if he was to die, his next of kin are his children and the house would have to be sold to be put in trust for the children. Not ideal, as this would infact make them homeless!!!! The way around this is a will that leaves everything to me. This is only relevant to him dying though. If we split up i would have to rely on him being a nice guy. However we do plan to get married soon.

And remember to change your wills when you get married - apparently getting married will invalidate them and they need to be redone.

Not sure how big the 'redone' bit is - just a case of printing out with new names and re-signing or more - or if you know it is going to happen if it can be set up to take this into account - sure someone will provide a better answer.

I just remember there was a case of some celeb who'd got cancer or something terminal who married his long term partner just before dying. He thought he'd protected his partner by leaving everything to her in the will, but he didn't do another one and instead everything went to standard beneficiaries as laid out by law and she got considerably less than he wanted, all because he wanted to do the right thing and romantic thing before passing on.

If you are married you are only entitled to (I believe) £175,000 of your spouse's estate unless he makes a will leaving you more.

I really don't understand why people can chose to have a child but don't have time to pop into registry office and get married then onto solicitors to make will BEFORE baby is born

YANBU... why anyone would answer your phone is beyond me.... it sound like your FIL feels it is his place.... its not so much the hanging around... fair enough in the snow...but surely if you were in his house he would seem it wierd??

Noel..is this true...Im not quite so sure,,also...what people do is surely their business?? Each to their own...we are not in the 1950's now

Are his parents on the mortgage or guarantors for it? Did they have a legal agreement when they helped him buy it?

I thought that if you are married & die intestate without children the spouse gets everything.

If children, spouse gets everything up to 250000GBP & the rest is divided between the children.