AIBU to be upset by an old family friend saying about me: "she does NOTHING and it's a complete waste of her education" (FI I am a SAHM)

[Greythorne]

I was at my best friend's wedding on Saturday. we have known each other since we were 9. Her family is close to my family, we go way back, she asked me to be her matron of honour, all good.

For background, I am a SAHM to two little girls aged 4 and 2, and I used to have a "high-flying" job for a very well-known, trendy company and when most people hear what I used to do, they think, wow, how fab. As did I until I had children and realised that my fab, high-flying job was going to be very difficult (read nigh on impossible) for me to do with kids. NB I say "for me to do" because i know there are colleagues of mine who do the same job as me and have kids very successfully, but we all have our limitations, and I realised I was not going to be able to do both. I am now very happy, staying at home with my girls, doing craft and teaching them to cook and to swim etc. I am also just starting a new business, which is in its very early infancy, but which, fingers crossed, might take off.

So, cut to the wedding receoption. I was in a group of people chatting, when I heard the bride's uncle (who has known me since i was 9, too) asked the bride's mother, "so what does Greythorne do now?"

Her reply: "NOTHING" (almost shouted) followed by, looking at me: "and it's such a complete waste of her education! And when I think of how my generation fought for the liberation of women! It kills me."

I smiled and said nothing. But a little piece of me died inside when I hear women who cannot see a way to support other women's choices.

It has been preying on my mind ever since and my DH is bored with me rabbiting on about SAHMs and feminism being about choices etc.

So, tell me, AIBU to be hurt?

YANBU to feel hurt. Whatever she might think of your choices in life, she was rude to say what she did in the manner she did at a wedding reception where you would practically have to bite your tongue out of courtesy to the bride.

YANBU in that this person should not comment that you 'do nothing' with 2 children at home, let them try it.

However, YABU not to understand that point of view whereby people think that you wasted your education by staying home. But as I always comment, what are you going to do, not educate women in case they decide to stay home?

If she was among those who fought for the "liberation" of women, what purpose does it serve for women to be "liberated" from a social construct determined by ideological patriarchy, only to discover that they are now obliged to fit into just another construct decided by just another ideological group. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Feminism fought for women's autonomy and you are exercising that.

YANBU and she is an old bat.

YANBU and an education is never wasted. Stupid cow.

I would have gone over and said "you would think that in amongst all that fighting for liberation you would have also realised you were fighting for the right to CHOSE. You would also think that being on the earth as long as you have you may have picked up the idea that rudeness is not an attractive trait"

This reminds me of a conversation I had at a wedding when my children were very small. I was a stay at home mum. A man asked me what I did and when I told him he said "I would not allow my wife to be a stay at home mum."

Would not allow

arses the lot of em

New neighbour asked me what I did. When I said I stayed at home, she said breezily "Oh, I could never let my brain rot."

I was speechless. (Well, I would be, wouldn't I, given that I'm a thick SAHM...) And THEN she went on to say her mother looked after her dcs full time. At that point I walked off stiffly, holding my arms at my side to prevent them rising up and belting her.

From a feminist viewpoint, SAHM's should be respected as it's a role women choose that is not valued by society. There are different interpretations about what is feminist and what isn't

YANBU I would have been offended too. I second what rubyrubyruby said. Their generation gave us the choice of what we wanted to do. And it was a team effort to boot, she sounds like she's taking all the bloody credit, cheeky sow

If it makes you feel any better I've lost count of the number of WOHM I know who get grief from other people the same generation as your family "friend". You can't win either way trust me.

I had an oppossite comment yesterday. I was told that its fantastic that I have been around for my dc in those important early years. OP you are still using your intellect to educate your children. No waste and your choice. Ignore them.

AIBU to be utterly intrigued what your fab high flying job was?

YANBU.

This EXACT thing happened to me! I could have written your post. Thinking about it, I think I did write a similar post under my previous nickname.

I am now back in paid employment as self-employed and doing OK considering I'm in my first year. Yesterday night, I spoke to my SIL who made the same comment about me as the bride's mother in your post and now she denies ever saying it! No doubt, when you are running a successful business, the same bride's mother will deny making that comment.

"DH is bored with me rabbiting on about SAHMs and feminism being about choices etc." - you wait until your busniess takes off! Then your DH will be bored with you rabbiting on about suppliers, customers, deadlines and logistics!

Chin up and big hugs from me. [hug]

got to accept your choices wont satisfy others.and that isnt your problemo,at all.it is her particular axe to grind

as for the feminism angle,i suppose she fought a different struggle)and battled different things,perhaps with a specific outcome in mind.maybe that has shaped her pov.and we (a different generation) are the beneficiaries of that political agitation and campaigning.but it boils down to choice,your right to chose

yanbu to be hurt,but don't dwell either
be happy with your choice and do get used to people opining upon it.thats thing about being a parent everyone has something to say about it

As a committed feminist, that's such a twisted view of things.

For me, the failure of feminism is that you were forced to make that choice in the first place (ie that you found that you couldn't combine parenting with working because the workplace wouldn't allow you to do it) and that it's women who bear the cost of raising children (and, conversely, men who tend to miss out on the joys).

Feminism has achieved a lot but has also let women down because instead of changing the workplace paradigms, women just fitted in with the existing ones(although things have changed somewhat). If you look at men and women's pay, what you see is equality in pay for childless women with men. It's the women with children, and not the men or childless women, who are earning less.

Personally, what I'd love to see is a more flexible and equal workplace where both men and women can cut their hours to combine both parenting and working (if that's what they wish - no problem with stay at home parent as long as the choice isn't gender based, ie both Mums and Dads have an equal shot at it). hat would be brilliant is if we saw both parents go down to 50% or some other equal percentage and fully share parenting.

Regardless, your individual choices are yours and no-one else's. Of course YANBU and that woman was undermining feminism in my opinion as well as completely unreasonable.

YANBU to feel hurt by this comments, also because they come from someone who should care about you, about your wellbeing and your family.

I am pretty sure that lots of people say similar things about me, and, to be honest, as far as I am concerned, they are not 100% wrong.

But, FGTH, I don't see why any individual choosing to stay at home with their children undermines feminism? Feminism, as a movement, hasn't yet created the workplace environment that allows both parents to both work and parent. Someone has to take care of the children and I don't think feminism necessarily means paying another woman (as is normally the case) to take care of your own children - especially when it remains the case that working mums are effectively doing a double shift because men don't usually do as much as women (these are generalisations of course)

YANBU! I agree with other posters who've said that you'd get just as many thoughtless comments for going back to work - women just can't bloody win this one and it really gets me down sometimes. I loved my life in uni and at work in my 20s and I now love my life as a SAHM in my 30s. That's all anyone needs to know!

My MIL says this to me all the time (am SAHM to 4 and 2 yo).

Ah sorry, I missed the feminism bit there, and of course I agree.
However, I live in Italy, where women's condition is somewhat behind the UK. Lots of women here are SAHM because there is no other choice. Which is awful.

I detest the lies we tell women about how it is possible to "have it all" - it's so damaging and no one ever suggests that men should be a chef in the kitchen, a whore in the bedroom, a lady in the street and a saint to their children plus working full time, being a feminist and throwing charming dinner parties in their wonderful home for all their interesting friends.

GET REAL! You made the right choice for you, and you can have a nice laugh when she realises that she's been lied to and attempts having it all for herself and has a nervous breakdown and gets divorced in the process.

Actually some stupid woman at a party was spouting on about having it all and how it was entirely possible since she worked and had kids... I pointed out there was probably something else about to give - and I was right, she's getting divorced!

I have it pretty much the way I want it - but there's a cost involved. My house often looks like a bomb hit it and I get very little personal time to myself and I don't earn as much as I could. You make the choices that you can live with.

YANBU!

Agree with northerngirl.

I work FT, have four children, am a good cook, have done extended bfing and use cloth nappies.

Oh, did I mention my house is a tip?

have it all is a myth,a stick to beat women with.no one has it all.working or not

the all is what you individually define it to be and try work within those parameters.accept sometimes things go tits and and it all goes our the window

Interesting post script....

I called the mother of the bride today, as she is looking after the bride's two small children whilst the newly married couple have a few days honeymoon away. Very nice of her to offer to have the children of course and she is retirement age now, but it still made me smile wryly when I called to suggest meeting up tomorrow with my kids and she launched into a tirade of:

"it's exhausting being with small children all day, I hardly have dropped off DC1 at school before I feel like it's time to collect him again and I have to take DC2 to the doctor's tomorrow, not to mention get DC 1 to his music lesson and I am just exhausted, plus DC2 seems to be teething and honestly, it is just a nightmare....."

Hmmmm, so "doing nothing" not quite as relxing as one might imagine?

HAr-de-har - poetic justice. You really, really should have said something about having 2 small DC to look after doesn't quite amount to "doing nothing " then, does it?
You're too nice!

smile sweetly say owt to her.but hehe