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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

pets in new relationships

22 replies

meltedchocolate · 28/11/2010 00:00

How many of you would chose whether to enter (or not) a relationship based on whether or not you were allowed/ forced to keep a dog, or pet of any kind, as far as the other person is concerned? This is if you are chatting possible long run lifestyle blah blah blah

Note: I am not rejecting someone based on a dog. We were just chatting about it and I got curious.

For me, having a dog is pretty important though, and it would be quite important in a relationship decision.

OP posts:

DooinMeCleanin · 28/11/2010 00:06

Dh was warned about 3 months into my relationship with him by Dad after whining about my dog and he wouldn't get another one if she passed (she had epilepsy with violent but infrequent fits). He was told quite frankly "Leave her then, it will be kinder all round to do it now because I know my girl and there is no way in hell she will be happy without being surrounded pets. Someone who loved her would understand that"

I don't like my Dad at the best of times but I loved him that night. He is right, I am miserable without a small zoo to keep me on my toes, anyone who would subject me to the torture of having to live with few or no pets cannot love me in the way they should.

Dh still hates pets. We still have two dogs and a cat (up to now)

AgentZigzag · 28/11/2010 00:09

I had two cats when I met DH, and he's a dog person.

My cats didn't even come into the equation with DH, he just accepted them as part of me.

We got a rescue dog who unfortunately couldn't stay with us, and DH was so upset thinking he'd never have another dog. So even though I'm not a dog person, we got tried again and I fell in love with her, and still am

You can't say having or not being 'allowed' to have pets aren't an important feature in a relationship, but they're not the be all/end all of it either.

I'm not much help am I?

AgentZigzag · 28/11/2010 00:11

hehe 'we tried again' sounds like we were TTC

I meant we got another dog, and she is bloody lovely.

WriterofDreams · 28/11/2010 00:12

I know it might seem weird, but I actually consider this quite an important issue. I adore cats and grew up with them so I would find it very hard to live with someone who absolutely insisted we couldn't have a cat. Fortunately DH is even more cat-mad than I and we currently have two gorgeous cats so I have never had to find out whether this would be a deal-breaker for me or not. I suspect it would because I do think people who like pets are quite different to people who don't, so I'm not sure if I could ever get that point with a pet-hater.

sims2fan · 28/11/2010 00:15

Well, when I met my husband I lived alone in a small flat with no animals, as landlady wouldn't allow them, but had cats as a child and really love cats. Husband professed to hate cats, we would never have them, etc. I didn't think about it too much to be honest. It didn't seem crucial to me to have a cat in my life at that point. I was more concerned to check that he would eventually want children, as I knew that if we disagreed about that then there was no point carrying on. Anyway, over a year or so my husband (and landlady) relented, and it was him that brought our first cat home. Followed a couple of weeks later by a second, who is a really soppy female who loves him totally and while I know she is fond of me, I know that she definitely prefers him over me! We now have 3 cats and joke that if we ever split up the boy would come with me, she would go with him, and we would fight over who had to have the second girl, as she's not keen on either of us and runs away from us if we try to stroke her!! I think I would have to take her though as she loves our boy cat and it would be mean to separate them!

DooinMeCleanin · 28/11/2010 00:16

To me they are the be all and end all. I love my dogs, they are massive part of my life. I could not love someone who would subject me to having to live without a/some dog/s. To me it would show that they don't love me enough, as I'd be miserable.

The only way I would consider living without dogs is if one of my children became severly allergic. If Dh became allergic he'd just have to cope on piriton, the same way I cope on piriton with my allergy ridden cat

I could not and would not live with out dogs. DH knew that right from the start of our relationship. Just as I knew he wanted a child of his own.

Onetoomanycornettos · 28/11/2010 00:19

I don't think I'd have liked to settle down with someone who loved dogs, I just don't love them and wouldn't want to live with one, so yes, I think it's one of the things to factor in. Perhaps if Johnny Depp had a small dog, I could forgive it, so perhaps it depends what else outweighs the pets. And reptiles and other animals, really no.

booyhoo · 28/11/2010 00:20

i thinkit is an important issue too. someone who isn't into animals mightn't realise how much of a biggie it is, but you can't just get rid of your pets if yoru partner wants you too. tehy are living beings. not disposable items, like getting rid of a pS3. my cats were quite a big issue with my EXp. i had them before he came along but he still resented teh fact tehy were tehre and that i spent money on them. if i met soemone who thought my pets might eb a problem then i wouldn't continue the relationship.

booyhoo · 28/11/2010 00:30

at johnny depp. not even johnny could persuade me to part with my beasties.

NeverEatYellowTaintedSnow · 28/11/2010 00:31

DooinMeCleanin, I think you and I may well be the same person!

I could not be in a serious relationship (or probably any relationship) with a person who did not love dogs. Actually, that extends to any pets when I think about it, but particularly dogs. I just would not want to contemplate an existance without them. I think people laugh at me for that sometimes, but I'm 100% serious.

igetmorelovefromthecat · 28/11/2010 00:32

I love my dog so much, he is kind of like a child to me. While I was single I started seeing someone who I had had a one night stand with years ago. He was extremely good looking, body to die for, amazing in bed and a really good laugh.

BUT. He didn't like dogs. He said I could not bring my dog if I came to stay with him. End of relationship.

Now I am with DP, who loves animals. He has his own dog, and we also have 2 cats now. Much happier!

DooinMeCleanin · 28/11/2010 00:41

To me it wasn't just about keeping existing pets, it will be cold day in hell when I rehome any of pets

It was about getting new pets in the future (everyone knew that one more fit just might be what it took to finish off my beloved JRT ) and Dh was saying he would get another pet after she had passed.

And also about rescuing stray and injured animals. It's something that is in me. I cannot not do it iyswim? DH has banned me from anymore pets and I won't go out looking, but if a stray/abused cat/dog/rabbit/rat/milipede lands on my doorstep it won't be turned away. I would question my future with Dh if he expceted me to turn my back.

Our current pet related argument is about my parents parrot, as my mum is in the process of making a will and will be leaving the parrot to me.

DH cannot stand birds particularly that bird, but that parrot will come to me and will stay with me for as long as is neccessary for me to find the right home, as it is I have no space to keep him myself, as much as I would love to. If I have to leave DH in order to take the bird I will do so. Again it is an issue he was made aware of from very early in our relationship. He had the option to leave before we had a child together and bought a house. He didn't. The bird has been part of my family for 15 years now, and from the moment my father bought him, knowing the bird would outlive by several decades I was always the next owner. Dh has only been with us 6 years.

As you tell I am just a leetle bit pasionate about my pets . It's what makes me. Take me as I am or leave.

booyhoo · 28/11/2010 00:53

dooin, i think we are of the same cloth i think any relationships i enter will involve a disclaimer that i may at any point in time adopt or rescue an and all animals i see fit to. (excluding birds because i am terrified of them)

booyhoo · 28/11/2010 00:54

Exp exclaimed at one point, when i took in a stray dog "what is it with you and things that shit?"

NeverEatYellowTaintedSnow · 28/11/2010 00:55

Nope, not insane at all DooinMeCleanin, I would be exactly the same. I must admit, I'm actually quite relieved to see someone else is as passionate as I am!

As a teenager, I shared my bedroom with six hamsters in separate cages. I started with one, the rest came to live with me because they were unwanted by their first owners and I just couldn't bare the thought that they could end up with someone who wouldn't care for them properly. I knew with me they would be loved and cared for. And yes, it was utter madness on my part, but I'd bloody do it again tomorrow, I can tell you.

girlsyearapart · 28/11/2010 01:01

When I got together with Dh I had a cat and a puppy. Dh is allergic to cats but I made it clear she was part of the deal.
He put up with her and sneezed his way through it then she went to stay with friends when we went on holiday and would never come home again ( the lure of fresh fish was too much..)
So she doesn't live with us anymore which has worked out well for Dh but wasn't because of him iyswim.

The dog used to sleep in bed with me and Dh gradually moved him to the end of the bed, the floor, the doorway etc etc until now we live in a different house he sleeps in the front room and isn't allowed upstairs.

So there have been compromises but I would never have rehomed either of them because of Dh- they were there first

DooinMeCleanin · 28/11/2010 01:03

Ah good. I'm not crazy. I expected people to tell me I was utterly mad in saying I would chose a bird over DH.

Rockmaiden · 28/11/2010 07:03

When I met my partner I had 3 cats
and a dog.

We now have 3 VERY large dogs, 5 cats,
2 rabbits, 9 gerbils in various tanks, 4 hamsters in seperate cages, 4 rats and a bearded dragon!

It's bloody luck I married a vet :)

millimurphy · 28/11/2010 07:11

One of the main reasons I left my whining ex was because he constantly moaned about my companion parrots. In the end it was either him or them - easy choice and best move I ever made. Have a lovely husband now who knows how important these birds are to me. I wouldn't have got together with him though if he hadn't liked my birds!

Rockmaiden - looks like you chose your husband well :).

Goblinchild · 28/11/2010 07:14

I think Dooin's dad got it right in a nutshell

'"Leave her then, it will be kinder all round to do it now because I know my girl and there is no way in hell she will be happy without being surrounded pets. Someone who loved her would understand that"'

If needing to have animals around you is fundamental to someone's happiness, then why get into a relationship and try to change that part of someone?
Relationships are based on compromise, but some things can't be altered about a person. and shouldn't be expected.

DS loves his cat,and needs it at a fundamental level.
DH dislikes cats but tolerates this one. They tend to ignore each other, which is a compromise.

daisydotandgertie · 28/11/2010 07:59

There's absolutely no question - no pets, no relationship.

Relationships are all about compromise, I know that. But that is one compromise I would never be prepared to make.

My dogs are my moon and stars. I love, love, love my labradaughters.

Vallhala · 28/11/2010 08:42

I'm with Dooin, Rockmaiden, Daisy and Co. It's quite simple = if you don't like dogs you don't get into my house, much less my bed!

There is no compromise, like Dooin I would never turn an animal in need away and if anyone in my life had a problem with that they know where the door is.

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