Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this, or am I being a precious mummy?

27 replies

Catnao · 27/11/2010 22:22

OK - so this is quite new for me, but it does say get stuck in on the "getting started" bit!
My son aged 10 has a good friend who we often have to play/sleep over; they are both in Y6 at school. My son is an only child, his friend is one of 7. So although we have him to ours more than our son goes to them , that makes sense, if you see what I mean.

My partner and I are friendly with my son's friend's parents to the extent they came to bbqs we had in the summer, but not really close friends.
Anyway - son's friend is 11 next weekend and is having a sleepover for 5 friends. My son is not invited. Considering they play together at school all the time, and have these regular out of school/weekend meet ups, and considering I fairly regularly (last time Friday after school) have friend when his mum is in a fix/tied up with older/younger child, I am a bit put out. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Firawla · 27/11/2010 22:24

i know its up to that child and parent who they invite but i would feel the same as you, so no yanbu it does seem a bit one sided and not right really
i would have thought the mum would feel a bit embarrased not to invite, considering those circumstances. and i presume they do get on so would wonder why really

muttimalzwei · 27/11/2010 22:26

Not really. Seems a bit odd that he wouldn't be invited. Can only assume that coming from such a large family there are lots of other friends from places other than school? If it's just boys from his class then you are right to be upset!

spikeycow · 27/11/2010 22:26

No you're not U. I don't like people like that. Others will say about numbers etc but if it was me I'd have either all the good friends in sleeping bags or 1 friend only.

MaudOHara · 27/11/2010 22:26

Agree with everything that Firawla has just said - I would be really annoyed

santasbluebaubles · 27/11/2010 22:26

Is your son bothered by it? If not then I really wouldn't worry about it. If he's upset then I would feel the same as you.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 27/11/2010 22:26

YANBU. However, there will be others who think it's fine and will tell you that not all children can get invited to all the parties/sleepovers etc. Personally, in the case that you've described, I think it's just plain rude.

A1980 · 27/11/2010 22:27

YANBU I would be a bit baffled too. Seems like they are pretty good friends, so why on earth not invite him.

onimolap · 27/11/2010 22:27

I'm afraid you are BU. No matter how much you do that is helpful, or how much the mother aopreciates you, it will have been the child who chose who to ask, as his views on his friends are just that - his.

I feel your pain though, and I hope you find a positive way forward. Ignore, if you can.

Original poster
Catnao · 27/11/2010 22:27

That's what I thought - they DO get on - they have fallen out in the past when my son or hers hasn't wanted to keep play dates for want of a better word at that age, and his mum and I have always been casual about it and taken the attitude that they can socialise again when and if they make it up. But at the moment they are getting on fine - the other kid asked if he could stay over on Friday when I had him whilst his mum was sorting out one of her older children at the High School and I only said no as I have been off work ill this week.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 27/11/2010 22:27

they can invite who they like, but it doesn't make it feel any less unfair, especially as you have their ds over so much. sorry.

Original poster
Catnao · 27/11/2010 22:29

Sorry I missed some posts there! My son is a bit put out too actually, which is why I am bothered i think.

OP posts:
ShanahansRevenge · 27/11/2010 22:32

Are you perhaps valuing the friendship between the boys more than they do?

Original poster
Catnao · 27/11/2010 22:35

I don't THINK so - they often cook up playing together and then ask me or his mum to arrange. As I say - they HAVE fallen out in the past, but not recently. Also, I have had a text from friend's mum today asking me if we can take her son to football tomorrow - tempted (but I didn't!) to say no! (Blushes at her own pettiness!)

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 27/11/2010 22:37

You're a better woman than I am - I'd have had trouble agreeing to the lift!

ShanahansRevenge · 27/11/2010 22:38

Gosh....it's very hard these days. When I wa that age we arranged all our own social stuff. I think that because we are more invloved than our parents were then we know too much!

When I was your DS age, I had a few eppisodes like this myself but Mum was none the wiser! I wouldn't worry at all, DS could have something soon himself maybe? A get together to bond with more boys?

Mowiol · 27/11/2010 22:39

Disclaimer... I do understand how horrible it is to see your child excluded but:

Personally speaking, I never got involved in who got invited to what... seems to be an old fashioned viewpoint nowadays.
Why are you so worried by this? You DO realise that if you intervene you will probably fall out with the parents and then your boys will still be friends anyway.. thereby making you look a bit daft.
Chidren need to learn how to negotiate for themselves without Mum and Dad getting nvolved.

That said I can see why you are miffed. But don't convey those thoughts to DS.

Don't put yourself out anymore for these people ... nuff said.

ShanahansRevenge · 27/11/2010 22:40

Of course when I was ten it was 1982 and sleepovers were what American teens did....I slept at my cousins...but we never had sleepovers till we were around 13 or 14 a I remember and it wasn't "having a sleepover" but "sleeping at so and so's house"!

We just played out!

MsKalo · 27/11/2010 22:40

Talk to her - tell her ur son is upset!

cakewench · 27/11/2010 22:41

YANBU. I imagine this made your son sad. :( I'm sorry.

sue52 · 27/11/2010 22:41

Usually I would say it's up to the child who is invited, however, in this case it sounds as though you and your son frequently put yourself out for this boy and his mother and the least they can do is invite your boy to this sleepover.

Original poster
Catnao · 27/11/2010 22:42

Oh - no - I wasn't going to say anything! I just felt put out! Ponders...they do have lots of friends outside school from theatre workshops and where they used to live....and my son is often invited to do things with their family at other times....I don't know if other kids from school have been invited or how many (I could find out, but that would be very unprofessional and not constructive! Grin)

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 27/11/2010 22:43

The child chooses who to ask? Really? Yes, in this house, after we have put on the list all of those children who have invited the DDs to their parties, and those whose Mums and Dads have helped us out in a childcare fix. They are absolutely first on the list. Then anyone else that they want to invite.

Mine are 12 and 9 and understand that this is the way life is, and that this is called manners.

YANBU, but in some houses what the child says goes, and that's the way it is. Sad, but true.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 27/11/2010 22:43

There are definitely times when parents should step in and insist that a particular child is also included - I think this is one of them.

altinkum · 27/11/2010 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 27/11/2010 22:44

Agree MrsSF.