to be sorely disappointed in Dc's Uncles & Aunties

[missismac]

The background is; My kids have several Uncles & Aunties whom they see enough to have a relationship with. There's DH's two brothers- DBinLaw1 has a girlfriend, both unemployed, so not much spare cash & girlfriend has health issues. DBinLaw2, has wife & 3 children, the cousins know our kids and have a relationship though we don't see them very often due to distance. There's also my DB, & his wife. They have a small son (10months) and a DB has a son from a previous relationship whom they have once a fortnight.

This year not only have DH's side forgotten/ been late for every one of our 4 kids & our birthdays (no cards, pressies given late), but now my DB & wife have also forgotten first my b'day (Sept) now youngest DS's birthday (Nov).

I make quite an effort to remember & mark appropriately everyone in the family's birthday and up to this year so have the rest of the combined family, but something seems to have gone awry. It came to a head for me when my youngest DS was 7 in Nov and not one of his Aunts or Uncles remembered his birthday. Is my expectation that they remember family birthdays unreasonable? Should I say something? If so how can I take them to task tactfully?

I must add that I don't expect presents or gifts from DHs unemployed DB or girlfriend, but a card or just a phone call would be nice.

i don't think yabu even if they don't remember yours they should at least remember the dc's. My db forgets my husbands (frustrating enough when we remember theres) but at least they remember ds's. Maybe forget theirs and when mentioned say oh i assumed as dc didn't get anything we weren't doing it anymore. My bil & g/f forgot my son's 1st b-day which i didn't say anything until his second birthday i made a slight comment (not bitter honest) about her forgetting last year, and she just hadn't realised.

I have 2 brothers. DH has 1. They all have partners and children. Some years they remember birthdays. Some years they don't.

Unless you are REALLY close (and you don't seem to be at that level of closeness) I wouldn't expect cards/presents. TBH in a year when our brothers (well their OHs) have all had babies and the number of nieces/nephews we have has gone up from 3 to 6, I am thinking that we might quietly start "forgetting from now on".

Do your DC care? Or is it just another present they are not totally sure who it came from?

Different people have different ideas about these things. I think adults shouldn't expect presents from others except partners really. So I think YABU for being bothered about your birthday. People have busy lives and couldn't possibly afford/remember every single relations birthdays.

A card or phone call for DCs would be nice and really they ought to but again, you can't really expect others to think like you.

At the beginning of the yr I would have a chilled convo along the lines of so, are we doing presents for the DCs this yr? Take it from there. If they still forget they are rude or really disorganised.

Do you remind them of the DCs birthdays in advance or just expect them to remember?

Sorry I think YABU.

I have one nephew on my side, we live close together and see one another regularly. For that reason our DC's celebrate their birthdays together and give / receive presents.

DH's family all live far away and we do not track/ remember all the DN's birthdays. Nor they ours. Gifts are exchanged at Christmas, but at no other time of year....no one in our family has said anything.....

You're coming across as gift grabbing. Something might be going on in other people's lives meaning that your children are probably very very distant in their minds at present - especially considering the mess the economy's in etc - perhaps they're struggling to stay afloat and so worried about other things that presents just fly out of their head?

Perhaps they're just crap with dates like my husband is - I have to have all his family birthdays written in MY diary to remind him of.

Perhaps they've been ill and have been trying to just cope with day-to-day life? Perhaps they've had bad sets of personal circumstances happen to them meaning that they're not able to deal with other people's children right now?

Your kids aren't the centre of their world in the same way they are yours. Brutal but true - and it DOES sound like you're keeping a mental tally of who's given what and when with how you've worded things. People forget, people put things on a mental to-do list and life happens, not everyone is as organized buying presents, bad things happen - I'm sure your children will survive - you sound more upset that they haven't been showered with "stuff" to be honest.

YABU.

I love my brother and sister; and it doesn't matter an iota to me whether they remember my DS's birthday or not. It's lovely when they do; but my feelings towards them remain the same either way.

Expectations are always the gap between who a person is, and who you want them to be.

I agree with emptyshell. I also think you should try to see it the way it is. If they forget, they are being real. If they remember because they genuinely think of your children often, then a card and a present means something. If it's sent just because you expect it, there is little meaning behind the present giving and so it's rather pointless.

To hell with social convention, there are too many unspoken rules as it is. The kids will not be emotionally scarred by this. So long as you make their day special, that's all kids need.

Oh, and it does absolve you of the tiresome business of choosing and sending gifts to people you rarely see.

I'm with Perfumedlife - I think YABU - if people remember lovely, if they don't that's OK and it doesn't mean they don't care.

Also, people do have other things going on that you might not be even aware of.

I was pretty upset recently when a close friend reminded my husband that we hadn't send cards and gifts to their young children this summer.

We had actually just lost a baby in very sad circumstances (which the friends knew all about) and to be honest were still grieving and other children's birthdays were just not on our radar.

I was surprised that she couldn't see why we might have other things on our mind... and even more surprised that she thought it was appropriate to bring it up..

FInally though, just because you have expectations of certain behaviours, you really can't expect other people to have the same or be annoyed when they don't.

That's a lovely way to see it conflug.

My children have never had a birthday card or christmas present from either of their aunts. But I and, more importantly, the children don't expect it. But I can see it would be upsetting if some children were remembered while others are forgotten.

I don't think the OP is being gift-grabbing - she said she didn't expect presents, but just a card or phone call would be nice.

My own view is that I would expect the Uncles and Aunts to remember, unless you are the sort of family who don't get on with your siblings and have very little to do with them.

Having said that, I have noted that all the siblings of the OP and her husband are MEN. I think in general, men just aren't so interested in birthdays, and don't think it's as big a deal as women do. It's certainly the case in our family. My sisters and dh's sister always remember our birthdays, but dh's brother hardly ever does, and dh wouldn't be able to tell you his nephew and niece's dates of birth! It's only because I remember on dh's behalf that they ever get anything from us.

It is, isn't it, LostArt?

Taken me a bloody lifetime to work that one out ... and I still forget at times!

YANBU

I would feel irked if I remembered their & their children's birthdays but quite frankly couldn't be arsed for my dcs. It's not the £ but the thoughtlessness - a phonecall to say happy birthday would be sufficient.

Missismac, what happens at Christmas?

Hmmm, well a mixed bag of responses ( of course - this is Mumsnet!) I think most are telling me I am BU. I suppose it's just that up to this year cards & gifts had been exchanged by all family members on birthdays. It's just what we do - on both sides.

Those of you who have said there may be stuff going on are right. My DB has changed job to a more high powered position & they had a new baby early in the year, plus DSiL was ill for a month or so in the summer. Other DSiL has lost both her Mum & Dad earlier this year & is really struggling with her grief I think. I can see why this has happened, but . . .

. . . I did feel when DS's birthday came & went without any acknowledgment from any family at all! As kangarooCaught said, a phone call or card would do just fine. I'm not gift grabbing as a couple of you so charmingly described me, up to now we've all done cards & small gifts - it's just what we've all done & I still do. If it's a family practice & then suddenly it stops do I just stop too? Is that rude? What's the right thing to do?

you give something if you wantto but not in expectation of something in return, then it doesn't matter.If it no longer feels right/comfortable for you to do anything, just stop.

I think YABU to expect gifts, cards or phonecalls for your birthday or your dc's tbh.

I've counted 17 people on both sides of your family excluding grand parents - your immediate family makes up 6. I'd be more than happy to not have to buy for all of them. Not for the money angle particularly but because of the faff of finding something everyone likes. I'd stick with just birthday cards and maybe xmas presents but just for the kids, or maybe just stop altogether if you're the only one carrying it on. Not in a bitter way, just because life is busy for everyone. It doesn't have to mean they think/feel less of you and vice versa.

I think YANBU

Me and DH both have one brother each. My brother lives only about 20mins away but is routinely crap at keeping in touch. However, he has never forgotten my birthday or DS' and has always attended family events and made a real effort to spend time with DS when he does see him.

BIL & SIL really p**d us off this year. They knew about DS' little 2nd birthday tea well beforehand. We knew that SIL had another event that day but we sent them an invite anyway as BIL "wasn't sure" what he would do. He never answered the invitation and never contacted us about either the party or DS' birthday. This was back in Sept and we didn't see or hear from them until earlier this month (without DS) when they handed over a "very belated" present.

I couldn't give a rat's behind about the gift - I am livid that they have only one nephew (no nieces) and they couldn't be bothered to so much as pick up the phone, let alone spend any time with him. And to add a kick in the teeth, it's BIL's godson's birthday in a fortnight and they have already agreed to go to his party.

We have decided that we are no longer going to make any effort with their events. I have always made sure that we remembered their occasions and made an effort to attend events, etc. As far as we are concerned, if this is how they want things to be then that's fine but it works both ways.

Xmas present will be some vouchers sent in a card and we'll see if they bother to send us anything or come to see their new nephew/niece who is due in a week...

Wow. Has all your 4 children and yourselves received birthday presents and cards up to now? That is 6 people to buy cards and presents for, for people they dont appear to be overly close with, in addition to Christmas, in a year! On average, there is a birthday in your family, every other month!

Yabu.

In my family, unless you are very close, ie see eachtother at least 3/4 times per month, there are no gifts unless there is a party invite!

YANBU to feel sad that no one acknowledged his birthday. It's the little gestures that keep family close and remind them that you do care and think about them. That doesn't mean big, expensive presents, but it does mean a card/little pressie/phone call.

I wouldn't bring it up, on the grounds that they may well have been having problems go on in their lives that you don't know about and have genuinely forgotten rather than not bothered.

In future, I would put a status update on fb a couple of days before his birthday to say how much you are looking forward to it, or mention it in passing on the phone. This will jog memories if they have forgotten. If they then don't bother, you know it's because they have chosen not to rather than it just slipping their memory.

I avoid a lot of relatives' kids stuff to be honest. I can't go shopping for gifts for them - well I can, but I'd probably be sectioned for breaking down sobbing in the aisles of any baby shop. Got to buy a gift for cousin's baby - I'm sorry, but she's getting some money in a card to spend for her and if she can't deal with the fact I'm not prepared to push through horrible emotional pain and making my depression even worse to buy something personal - she can piss off to be honest.

Same with SIL when that baby comes - I won't be going to any christenings etc - because I'm emotionally not capable of it - again, if she can't deal with that and wants to make an issue - SHE will be being the unpleasant one expecting to put us through it. I'm ill enough with the aftermath of all the grief we've been through - got to protect myself. If it causes a family rift (think it probably will, empathy not being strong here) - so be it. I'm quite ready to stand my ground on this one - few things I'll do that for (MIL knows full well I want to be left alone to deal with my own issues round that time - SIL doesn't believe the universe doesn't revolve around herself).

Sometimes there are reasons. Sometimes you might not know the reasons (and sometimes it's not really any of your business).

Not everyone's even close to their family automatically - my brother rarely remembers my birthday, I occasionally forget his - but it IS forgetting, no malice meant on either sides, if we made a big thing over it it would cause a rift where there's no need to be one.

Goodness, the older I get the more I realise that my family is the exception not the norm. DB has three children and in a million years I would never forget their birthdays and I'd be pretty upset if DB forgot DD's birthday. It just wouldnt happen. Not in a grasping presenty way but DB's children are like my own. I would never forget them.