To think that families should get together at Christmas?

[MamaVoo]

I've read so many threads lately with people moaning about having to get together with their parents/ILs for Christmas day, and they always seem to have the overwhelming response of 'how dare they want to be with you on Christmas day, you should just be your own little family unit'. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is quite a selfish attitude?

I'm not talking about situations where someone has just had a baby or there's genuine bad feeling. And I do understand the feeling of wanting to make everything easy and less stressful. My parents and MIL have nothing in common and it can be hard work getting them together, but I'll invite my mother in law because I think it's the right thing to do. It's just one day and it's not all about what I want. There are any number of days in the year when we can shut out the world and be on our own, doing what we want to do. It's sad that so many people see their families as an unwelcome nuisance on Christmas day.

Just because it's christmas doesn't mean you should be doing something because it's the right thing to do, you should do what you want to do.

If that means stay at home, bolt the doors and not see anyone, or have a house full of people then that's fair enough.

Stop passing judgement on what people do or do not want to do.

Can I just say, Voo has already very gracefully admitted she thinks she is BU. It's horrible when you admit that and everyone carries on slating you.

It´s fine if you get on with the people who expect to spend Christmas with you.

When being with them is trying/tedious the day(s) are ruined.

I'm Jewish. I don't care about Christmas. I married a non-Jew, who does care very much about Christmas. His family's biggest concern regarding our mixed marriage was "What about Christmas?". No problem - you will never have to negotiate this year my parents next year his or anything similar. Christmas will be yours, you can see your dgc every year and never have to compromise.

Since having children - ie the first Christmas after we got married - we have never spent Christmas with my ILs. The nearest we ever got to doing so was to arrive for lunch, the rest of dh's family left immediately after lunch, leaving us with MIL and FIL. They hadn't e ven waited for us to arrive before opening presents. We had been told when to arrive.

Over the years it has been made blatantly clear that we were not to come to them on Christmas day, but later on in the holidays.

At first they used to tell us that their house was too small (yet we fit fine at any other time), then they told us they were spending Christmas at SIL (never with us and we were never invited to SIL).

Then a couple of years ago we discovered that they had fallen out with SIL and hadn't been to them over Christmas for 2y. It wd seem that they would rather spend Christmas day alone than with us.

WTF is going on? You made such a fuss about the possibility of losing Christmas! And how dare you upset dh this way?

Makes me angry and sad.

OP - I think a lot depends on families and their expectations. We have a house large enough to accomodate visitors over Christmas but refuse to host Christmas. Why? Because it is expensive and bloody hard work. I am the one from early morning until evening cleaning, stocking up, fetching etc. Everyone else has a wonderful Christmas and I am left with Christmas having passed me by and not having enjoyed one minute of it.

Years ago, as a family we rented a huge house and all chipped in. Everyone covered food and wine and everyone took care of cooking over a few days. We all enjoyed it and agreed that was the only way to have a big family Christmas. We are still happy to do it that way, others in our family are less so. The thinking is that we have a house big enough to host. That is not the point. I love Christmas and refuse to let the whole occasion be ruined by having family descend on me for 3/4 days.

My choices for Xmas this year:

1. My mum's. A barrage of criticism about how I've failed my life, how my talents are wasted working in teaching, how much weight I've gained (coupled with being bugged to eat another slice of cake - the discrepancy here never occurs to her), then her nice party trick of inviting friends around with babies just to stare at me and ask why I haven't made her a grandmother yet (particularly nice when you know your kid has fertility/miscarriage issues mum). My mother's Nigella flouncy around the kitchen hair flicking impression wears thin after a few years. May get another Xmas dinner of her discussing her sex life over the turkey. Return home to find a sulking cat.

2. The in-laws... miles and miles away, requiring a train, flight and three hour car journey. Get to listen endlessly about how perfect sister in law is and how fabulous a pregnancy she's having (she's due about 2 weeks before I would have been), get to watch them all have "friendly banter" involving ripping the piss out of my husband to the point it really irks me. Better cooking than option 1. Return home to find a really sulking cat.

3. Hibernation - hubby and me cooking the turkey together, spending the day doing what WE want and getting on with decorating the house. Curl up with a wonky moggy who loves us both whatever and won't be sulking.

4. Cross over with option 3. Ignore the bloody thing, find non-seasonal trash to watch on other channels, pick the decent bits (hubby is a turkey sandwich dustbin) of the day and ignore all the over-hyped perfect fairmly Christmas clap-trap.

5. Win the lottery and leave the country.

Hmmm. Working on option 5 but I think I need a fall back.

I'd only invite my family round for xmas if I'm looking for a fight TBH, we stopped sitting round tables eating as a family when I was about 7 or so I think, due to my mother getting fed up with the invertible fights, arguments and threats (plus the corn/pea throwing).

if in previous years you've had yours and DH's parents together on the day (with a few siblings thrown in for good measure), but another year you prefer to split it and host xmas day for one family and either boxing or another day for the others - is that reasonable, unreasonable or selfish?

am in a slight quandry over what is "fair" and would love to hear other opinions.

Thanks for all your replies. I guess I've learnt that I'm lucky to have a family who get on ok - despite their fair share of oddities. And I have to admit that my favourite day over Christmas is Boxing Day when it's just us and a fridge full of food and drink.

if you're taking everybody's feelings into consideration when planning then it's not 'selfish' at all is it?

you can't please everybody all of the time.. and you also count in the 'everybody' who has feelings.

V interesting thread. I hate Christmas because:

My mother became depressed in her later years and wouldn't travel to us, but was not so keen on us going there (too much work, etc) even when dd was little. It was OK if my two single brothers went, however. You can imagine how much that hurt.

My parents have died in the last three years and I find Christmas even more difficult. If you have lost a large part of your nuclear family it can be very painful to witness others who still have what you have lost (dh and my in laws and his family).

But I still go to my in laws because my dh and dd want to and I don't want to do Christmas! Fortunately they live fairly near so can opt out and stay here rather than spoil the party if I am feeling low.

Think it is a very individual decision and Christmas is a very emotional time of year for all sorts of reasons so I wouldn't condemn anyone for what they decide.

"I guess I've learnt that I'm lucky to have a family who get on ok - despite their fair share of oddities"

I get on well with my family, doesn't mean I feel any obligation to spend every Christmas with them. I dislike this assumption that if you don't spend Christmas with them then you don't get on with them very well.

YABVU to decree that people 'should' do anything. It's up to them.

Funilly enough my mum and me were talking about 'the Christmas argument' which always happened in our house, and having a bit of a giggle about it - and remembering that I left home after one of them (for good).

I think families have their own ways of celebrating or not celebrating and should be left to it.

DH and I decided from the very start of our marriage, that Christmas Day would be the day we get to spend together, without the pressures of work, household chores,catering for family, arguments from parents about whose 'turn' it is to have us for Christmas this year etc etc. We only ever deviated from that once, when DCs were small, because family played the 'YABU to stop us seeing the DGcs on Christmas Day' card. Cue me rushing around like a headless chicken trying to cook lunch, look after family members, prepare tea etc whilst DH looked after poorly DC2 (ended up at hospital on Boxing Day, so more than just 'teething' as helpfully suggested by my Mum) and all the while the family sat around moaning because dinner was late/where are our drinks etc. Not one of them lifted a finger to help, even though they could see DH and I were run ragged. I didn't see my DCs open a single present that year because my family thought it would 'help' if they supervised that part of proceedings whilst I was in the kitchen and DH trying to look after DC2. We decided after that to go back to our pre-baby rule of just us on Christmas Day. We have never regretted it. We are able to spend a lovely day with our (now adult) DCs, all relaxing. No-one has to worry about having a glass of wine with dinner because they have to drive my mum or MIl home after. No-one cares if dinner isn't on the table by a certain time. We can ( and often do) take almost all day to open all the presents, we can watch what we want on TV or play a game or just talk. The rest of the year we all work hard all week, whether at work, college or uni and the weekends are taken up with chores. We happily see family on Boxing Day and any other days around Christmas and we enjoy their company on those days. But Christmas Day is ours. Of course, we would not leave any family member alone on Christmas Day, unless they really wanted to be alone, but otherwise, we enjoy our quiet day.

YABU .....It is a fallacy to believe that if you don't get on with your extended family throughout the rest of the year that somehow you can miraculously do so at Christmas. I have tried in vain over the last 10 years that I have been with DH to involve his family in Christmas but it always ends in arguments and last year FIL even stormed out on Christmas Day over a board game of all things !

Great if you get on and enjoy each other's company then chances are with a bit of effort you will all have a great time. But if not it's just a disaster waiting to happen

Since the debacle last year FIL has visited us once and we have been to him once ( and he lives 30 mins down the road) I am not saying we ever used to see him masses but usually about once a month. Last Christmas has truly done for that as the man is a ridiculous grudge bearer.

Our family does get together around Christmas,just not for Christmas Day. I just like having Christmas with my own family although this year DD1 and her husband will be in France with my SIL parents. They came to us last year because they wanted to but I would not expect them to do that every year.

The whole thing I never get about Christmas is this stupid idea that the things about your family that annoy you the other 364 days of the year will miraculously disappear on this one day in a tinselly spectacular. It's bullshit and we all rationally know it - it's like that episode on Eastenders where they say it's going to be the "best fairmly Christmas ever" and you know by the dum dums there'll be a death, an adultery and probably a small fire at the Queen Vic.

We overhype it to want it to be like on the adverts but with real people instead of model cut-outs... someone's going to have the same vicious tongue they always have, someone else still hasn't got a proper job and will get earache about that, someone will try to take over in the kitchen and cause ructions and someone will zonk out on the sofa by about 4pm with the remote control jammed under their arse so you're stuck watching The Great Escape again.

Christmas should be about doing what you want, imo. I can't think of anything worse than the extended family Christams. But some people love it.
Each to their own.