to expect my dp not to break a childs toy in a fit of temper

[kaylasmum]

we have 2 kids aged 3 and 7 at home aswell as my 4 yo dgs who we've been looking after for the past year due to my dd's mental health issues. My dgs is a very difficult child to handle, my dp is'nt his dgf and i think has been struggling to cope with my dgs behaviour. Anyway tonight after tea my ds and dgs were playing when my dgs hit my ds in the face with a toy. My dp took the toy off him, broke it and put it it in the bin! I'm really annoyed that he did this. My dp has had anger management about 5 years ago, which did help for a while but he still has a very quick temper. Just wondering if i am overreacting or not.

Removing the toy and disciplining the child for hitting is fine, but deliberately breaking it and putting it in the bin is a shitty thing to do to a 4 year old!

I have done the same in a fit of red mist. It's not the greatest - how does your dp feel about what happened?

I hope he's ashamed of his behaviour?

no you arem't overreacting.
he needed telling off, but behaving like a stroppy child himself isn't exactly setting a good example is it

Me too MonkeySee. It's terrible behaviour. I hope your dp sees that

YANBU. Honestly speaking, I would be really concerned if I saw someone behaving like that towards a four year old. Yes, kids can be infuriating at times, and I can understand why he might get annoyed, but it sounds like his anger is out of control.

I've done the same. It's not awesome parenting, but it is sometimes too hard to watch a 3 year old getting the shit kicked out of them without wanting to break something, and better a toy than a 4 year old's arm.

The child is not hurt and he may learn not to beat the shit out of people with toys.

Nope, I disagree with you all. It doesn't have to be done is any temper whatsoever, actually, it can be a fairly rational response to a child who is treating people like things. And they think very carefully before hitting people with objects again, be sure of that.

Things go in the bin a LOT in my house. Walls get drawn on? Crayons in bin. Jigsaws being thrown? Jigsaws in bin. Toy used as weapon? Toy in bin.

Use it, don't abuse it, or you'll lose it.

colditz. - I agree that the toy going in the bin could be seen as "natural consequences", and I also agree that breaking a toy is better than harming the child. But I do think that breaking something of a child's indicates a lack of self control, and a vindictiveness which could be a red flag that maybe you need to re-think your responses.

And, as I said before, I have done this

... by "you" I meant "one" , not you personally, IYSWIM

No, you're not overreacting. I would be fuming & if that's typical behaviour from him feel for you, your DC & DGS living with him. Clearly the anger management wasn't very effective if a squabble between kids provokes a reaction like that!

The difference is whether it was a controlled or uncontrolled action though colditz.
If dp couldn't control their rage there is a danger that next time it is the child who is on the receiving end, not the toy.
If the child has behavioural issues then the need for a good example is even greater.
I sympathise entirely with the dp. Difficult behaviour is infuriating and there is only so much anyone can take. Maybe anger management needs a little revision. Finding somewhere else to let off steam, or seeing the problem brewing and removing themself from the situation might be a start but they will know themselves what they need to do.
Possibly things should be allowed to calm down and it should be approached in a gentle and understanding manner or it may just dissolve into a screaming match.

i've put one of my ds's toys in the bin (he's 2) after he hit me over the head with it.... not proud that i did it but none the less, its done and he's never hit me over the head with that specific toy again

however the breaking in anger thing would worry me a bit. i think that would be quite frightening for a 4 yr old to see.

It's teaching your dgs that it's ok to be destructive if something makes him angry. It also gives the impression that it's ok for adults to be spiteful and impulsive, which is not the world view a child of 4 should be exposed to. Totally not cool.

What MonkeySee said.
Nothing can make you find your heretofore unknown anger issues quicker than your kids being totally unreasonable or fighting with each other.

i think we need to remember too that this poor kid has clearly been through a lot, so it's understandable that his behaviour may be difficult

i;m not saying that he shouoldn't be told off, or the toy removed... but he needs patience and understanding. he needs to be able to trust the adults who are in his life now, not have them throwing temper tantrums and smashing toys up in front of him

thanks for all you prompt replies, i just want to add that he did not break it infront of my dgs but i do think my dp has to address his anger issues.

Anger is sometimes an symptom of depression