My son's mum, let's call her Dawn, has two children, one of 8 and one of 5. My son is 8 and so is his best friend. I like the kids a lot. Dawn is a very, very, very protective mum. She has never let either of her sons play at anyone else's house unless she has been present, and only once did she permit her 8 year old, let's call him Joshua, play here, he had a nice time from what I can tell. I think that with younger children this is OK and understandable. Although she did insist on doing a health and safety check of my home, including my bedroom, the first time they came 'round.
With regards to her younger child, let's call him Nathan, he suffers from asthma. He only started school for the first time this year (she had not wanted him to go to nursery or any playgroups). Nathan has attended school for about 50 per cent of the days/sessions. This is because Dawn keeps him off school every time he has a sniffle or is a bit wheezy.
When it is cold weather she asks me to collect Joshua from school and bring him to his home. On these occasions which is fifty percent of school days, which have been many, she rarely invites my son in to play or me in to have a cup of tea. We are expected to take Joshua home, than it's thanks and goodbye. My son is always very disappointed and it makes my heart ache, he really loves Joshua. Sometimes Dawn will phone every day of a week and ask me to do this so that she doesn't have to take Nathan out in the cold "because of his chest". Nathan is also denied any dairy produce in his diet. He is very small for his age, and she has told me that he is underweight for his age. He has had no medical tests at all, ever, to find out if he is allergic to, intolerant of, or sensitive to dairy produce.
I have no doubt that Nathan will slip behind his peers educationally if he spend half of the school year at home with his mum.
I have increasingly found the task of collecting and dropping Joshua off at him home heavy and difficult to do, and stressful. I feel as though I am complicit in Nathan's neglect. I have gently suggested that Dawn get Nathan tested for allergies, but it was received in a prickly way.
My own son also has very bad asthma (and severe eczema), and is on a much heavier and more intensive treatment regime than Nathan. He has been tested in the hospital for various common asthma allergens, this was part of his initial diagnosis when he was three. I do send him to school if he has sniffles, never with a fever or heavy sneezing or coughing though. He probably missed two days last year through illness.
As for myself I am severely and chronically ill and frequently suffer from fevers and extreme tiredness. My immune system is not up to much because of the medication I have to take. It is tough going out in the cold for me, but I love doing the school run, and I would crawl there if I had to.
I just couldn't find the courage to tell Dawn on the phone or in person that I think she is neglecting her younger child and it is selfish and wrong for her to expect and very sick woman to collect her other child and bring him home without even inviting us in, just because she doesn't want to take Nathan out in the cold for 10 minutes. I have never heard him wheezing or showing any asthmatic symptoms either, he is very small but otherwise is always full of beans and very active.
So I wrote her and email and said that I would no longer be available for collecting Joshua, but that once a week I would be glad to bring him to my home to play and have his tea.
I am in turmoil about all this because it is very important to me to be truthful, frank and honest with people, this is fundamental to my sense of self and purpose in life. She may well ask me why I have withdrawn from wanting to walk Joshua home, and I do not want to lie.
Sorry about the long posting, please share thoughts.
Ketrick