To expect my DH to do more?

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

I posted the other day about my DH going away overnight on a clubbing night out and wanting to come home the following day and go straight to bed, despite myself being ill and there being lots of things that needed doing.

Well I was thinking after moving a load of his stuff earlier that I am fed up with the house being a total tip and it being assumed that I'll tidy it up. He literally leaves stuff everywhere. For example, the overnight bag he took when he went out on Saturday night is still sitting unopened and unpacked on the kitchen floor. I have to move it everytime I want to sweep or mop the floor.

Then there's piles of his post/paperwork and things connected with his hobby on the kitchen table. He thinks that as long as he piles it all up in a neatish pile it's okay to leave stuff everywhere. There are socks and shoes of his on the stairs, as well as the dog's lead which he just dumped on there when he'd taken the dog for a walk yesterday.

I spent a good couple of hours or more last week sorting out his wardrobe as he was literally throwing things in, or pushing them all up on top of the shelves in there, creased and crumpled when I'd washed/ironed them. I told him that if his wardrobe got in such a state again I would stop doing his washing and ironing as everything I'd washed and ironed was getting messed up. And surprise surprise his wardrobe is already in a state again.

The other thing is that he just doesn't "do" anything with our children. He gets in from work or from his hobby which he does some weekends, and just sits at the PC or sits watching sport on TV. Or he does his hobbies and just leaves the children to their own devices. If I have to go out anywhere he thinks just being in the house is enough and that he doesn't have to do anything with or for the kids. He doesn't play with them or even chat to them really. He disappears off to the loo for 30 minutes at a time sometimes, and takes any opportunity to just not have to bother doing anything. I cook tea most nights, and end up tidying away afterwards. He will half-heartedly put the baby in the highchair but then will just sit at the PC and won't get the kids a drink or even put a bib on the baby, he really will literally only do the bare minimum. The other night I went out for a doctor's appointment about having a mole removed and he kept going on about how I'd "had a night out", and in any case he did nothing in my absence, he won't even run a bath and get the older children to get in it, he just sits in front of the TV or PC

I'm just fed up with his crap everywhere and him thinking he doesn't have to do anything. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to do more? He works but it's not a very physically demanding job and not very long hours.

sorry meant bag is still packed, not unpacked.

Collect up all the stuff he leave lying around the house and leave it in a pile on the floor at his side of the bed. Repeat until he gets the message.

Leave his wardrobe alone. Hang his clean and ironed clothes on the front of it and refuse to do any more of his laundry while it's still hanging there.

As regards to his interaction with the DCs, no advice there but I'd certainly be telling him what a disappointing and ineffectual father he is.

He's a lazy bastard, you are not his slave. Put your foot down or this will just get worse.

LOL pjmama, funnily enough I've just started getting all his stuff together and putting it down by his side of the bed. He just leaves it though, and also he puts glasses of water at the side of the bed, which then inevitably get knocked over, leaving a foisty, damp smelling pile of clothes/paperwork/general shite.

I think I might stop doing his laundry altogether.......

Well if all his crap is confined to one place, you don't have to deal with it. He's the one who has to step over it every day and he'll either get sick of that or he won't. Bottom line is that you can't force somebody to be tidy, but you can refuse to let them spread their mess around the whole house and affect everyone else.

YANBU to expect better but how long have you let him behave this way? Assuming it wasn't some kind of surprise arranged marriage and you had chance to sound the guy out before tying the knot... didn't you spot that he was an antisocial, bone-idle slob then? Let them get away with it for years and it's hell on wheels trying to get someone to change. Good luck but, unless you threaten something really serious, I can't see things changing any time soon.

Chil, he wasn't too bad at first, I just thought he was a typical man, but then again in the beginning we didn't have 3 children so I didn't realise how lazy he'd be when we had all the mess and extra work that children bring.

Actually no, scrap that last bit as the 2 eldest keep their rooms very tidy, lol

And it annoys me how he seems to think it's justifyable to just get in from work and sit there. I understand he might be tired, but I'll be cooking, the baby will be crying, kids doing homework, and he'll sit at the PC in the kitchen, ignoring me running around like a blue-arsed fly. Then he'll eat and just go and sit in the other room with sport on.

But you see the problem is that you see him sitting there, doing nothing, and your response is to run around and do everything yourself while no doubt glaring at him, which he will ignore.

My response would be to inform him that if he did not get up off his butt and do x, y or z right then and there, he would find his PC mysteriously broken the next day.

He sounds like a child.

But you are indulging him like a mother. You say things against it, but you don't change how you behave. You still do everything for him. Your response to his wardrobe being a mess is to tidy it. Why? Just stop doing his washing. If I needed help and DP was purposely ignoring me and sitting on the PC, I would pull the plug from it.

What you're saying is that three children and running a household has meant that you've grown up and taken on more responsibility... but he is still enjoying life as a carefree bachelor. Just happens to live in the same house as you and a few smaller people.

There's no such thing as a 'typical man'. He is a 'lazy man' content to have someone else run around after him. So you have to start making life not so cosy and make a big point of telling him exactly why you're doing it. Then find regular things outside the home to do so that he has to look after everything for a while. Even book a long weekend away with a friend. Good luck

frazzled he sounds just like my ex. he did the bare minimum he could get away with. the bit about teh highchair struck me. i remember one time i was amking dinner yet again and asked him to get the kids sorted for dinner (wash hands, up to the table, pour drinks, bib on baby, pull highchair over to table) he literally lifted ds2 and sat him in the highcahir and walked away back to his PS3. literally two seconds later ds2 had slid through the bottom of teh high chair because he wasn't strapped in nor had he slid teh table in close to him. apparently it was my fault for not watching him. i was cooking with my back to him and it was 2 seconds from EXp had put him in it. it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me TBH. i want a partner and father not a teenager with no responsibility or ability to think for themselves.

i think in your situation i would be straight with him. tell him you are no longer going to play mum to him and that he is as responsible as you are for keeping the house tidy and looking after the dcs. stop tidying his wardrobe and doing his washing. he knows where the machine is. any of his hobbie stuff or paperwork just move it straight onto his side of teh bed. and keep doing it til he gets the message. when he comes in in teh evening and puts teh computer on. ask him "are you cooking or looking after the dcs? i don't care which i do" and let him choose.

Buy a roll of black bags and some labels. Each day, gather together all of the crap, tie it up in a bag, label it with the date and leave it outside the back door.

Don't tell him, just do it.

The thing is, even if I went away for a weekend I would come back to a total hovel, and would end up having to sort uniforms etc out for the next day at 11pm on the Sunday night or something.

He won't go food shopping so would only go to the local shop to get junk food etc, so there'd be nothing in for packed lunches.

But I know you're all right in that I need to stop doing things for him. DD2 (who is off school ill), DS and I had a cooked lunch today and DD1 is having a school dinner, so I'll make the kids something light for tea, sort myself out with a sandwich and leave him to his own devices. And I've just been having a gathering up session downstairs, getting all his stuff in a pile on the stairs, ready to go by his side of the bed when I go upstairs

can you plan a week away? where he would have to cope on his own for a week. even if you went to your mum's? and tell him why you're doing it. some people when faced with that will think "right, I'll show her i can do it" and he might actually surprise himself, but at the same time realise how much you actually do. but i agree with otehrs. in teh meantime. stop doing everything. yes. teh hosue will be messy but he will at some pointy say "what' teh hell is going on here?" and tehn you can tell him you are no longer his playing his mother.

When you go away for your weekend you leave a list of jobs to be done... including sorting out uniforms for Monday morning. Really, when you have someone that bone-idle to contend with, you have to micromanage their every move. Don't give them any down-time or they'll slink off to the PC. It's harder work at first but eventually they either a) comply or b) leave.

BTW Leave the 'stuff' you gather in a pile on the stairs and when he gets home you say very clearly ... 'Don't sit down... that's your stuff, put it away and then I've got some other things for you to do'

that's a good idea chil. also a good idea would be to actually do a schedule so he knows dinner has to be started by say 5 so the dcs wont be starving and the washing needs to go out before 10 to get the most drying etc.

I can't see whether you've really sat down together and talked about it. Do you have different expectations about what it means to tidy / put things away? Have you told him specifically what you expect him to do? e.g. Thanks for taking the dog for a walk, could you put the lead away.

I appreciate that it sounds like treating him like a child, but at the moment neither of you sound very happy. Piling his stuff up does not seem to solve it because it sounds as though it still irritates you.

To add to Chil's idea, could you say when he gets in from work... just before you sit sown, could you help me with x for 5 minutes (and do some sorting out together). Limit the time you do it for, then so the same tomorrow, or after tea. Maybe it will become an easier habit for him.

Is there anything that the 2 of you get pleasure from doing together? Could you get someone to look after the kids, then say 'if you could help me to sort x for halof an hour, then we could both go and do .

I have this exact same problem myself, except I act like both your husband and like you. I really piss myself off and my house is a hovel. Unfornuately I have nobody to clear up after me so I have to do it myself eventually. Perhaps wear sunglasses in the house or spend more time on Mumsnet so you no longer see the mess. I do the latter.

My ex was like this and it drove me mad. I ended up collecting his crap up and sticking it in his car (daily). Then, when we wouldn't do the washing up or empty the bin - I stick all that in his car too.

Why are you ironing for a man that shoves his clothes in a heap in the wardrobe? When you said you would stop did you? Or did you just carry on?

Stop mothering him. He's a grown man. What sort of man cannot pick up after himself? Does he think people respect someone that allows another person to pick up their mess?

What an arse.

I don't do my husband's ironing and he's a gorgeous man who finished before me at work today so cooked dinner for me. We still both work and I hate ironing so he dopes his own. If you want him to do his ironing just tell him you aren't doing it any more.
My husband's half of the wardrobe is his to tidy.
He's actually tidier than me and it's my piles of papers scattered about the place.
If you are unhappy with your marriage then you need to talk about it, but alot of women who do everything in the marriage are terrible martyrs who moan about doing everything but won't just stop doing it and tell their husbands to get their act together.
I never understand how some women enter a marriage and decide to do all the boring stuff anyway. In both of my marriages the bloke concerned knew he'd be doing his share of housework including ironing and cooking.
Tell him you aren't doing it any more and follow through. It sounds as though you don't communicate well and want out of the marriage though, although if someone did all my ironing and tidying up for me I'd let them so ypou have only yopurself to blame to an extent for being daft enough to do his stuff in the first place.

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I've tried to talk to him so many times, both in the heat of the moment and the kind of "sit down lets talk about it" rational kind of talking and none work. When I've tried he sometimes repeats what I'm saying in a mimicking voice, it really is like talking to a child at times. With regards to the laundry, yes I've stopped doing it for the time being. He hasn't noticed or mentioned anything yet.

2Rebecca, I do want to remain in the marriage, absolutely :)

What I find infuriating is that he makes it so hard for me to keep on top of the basics (relative tidiness, relative organisation and basic cleanliness), that I never get anything else done. For example before I can clean the kitchen table, I have to remove all his stuff from it. Before I can mop or hoover a room, I have to remove all his things off the floor. He crams cupboards full of stuff until the doors won't shut. If he was striving to achieve the same level of tidiness/cleanliness as me then we could both just pull our weight equally and things would sort of do themselves more, such as if he drops food on the table, he cleans it up, or if he makes the bath messy, he gives it a quick wiperound etc etc.

I also have a very demanding toddler, who is into everything, and he makes a lot of mess too, and I find I'm chasing my tail as obviously I can't do much when DS isn't napping, and then when I do try and catch up with things I have heaps of mess to put away first.

I would love to just leave it all, but I hate living in an untidy, dirty house.