AIBU to tell dh that he must let me run our finances?

[KateF]

Ihave never done an AIBU before but I really need honest answers and this is where to get them!
dh and I have been married 12 years and have 3 dds (11,9 and 6). I have been either a SAHM or worked part-time since dd1 was born (at dhs wish-he didn't want her in childcare and I didn't earn a lot).
DH has progressed in his career and now earns a good wage but has always been crap with money and has yet again messed up his taxes despite me forcing him to get an accountant last year (he's a contractor). I have bailed him out from my savings countless times and would have nothing left if my Mum hadn't died last year and left me quite a lot of money. Dh is expecting that I will bail him out again but I have already paid off his £12k credit card bill and paid for the family holiday from my inheritance and the bottom line is I'm only willing to sort this out if I take over all the finances from now on.
He is in arrears because he just spends too much on going out drinking, gadgets, DVDs etc. His pay goes into his business account and he transfers money to our joint account each month from which I run the house/family. I have no access to the business account. The business account should hold the tax/VAT money but he has been spending from it at a rate of £1500-2k per month. I have told him til I'm blue in the face but it's not working so AIBU?

Totally YANBU but I'm not clear how you can improve things unless you actually run the business finances as that is where he is running through the money. As long as he has any access to funds - the spending will continue - he needs to buy into the concept of budgeting.

I am totally with you in principle though - my mother was ghastly with mother and got into a lot of debt. Dad could never reason with her though without her blowing a gasket.

Well my plan would be to have business account, joint account and private account each. His pay would go into joint account and I would transfer appropriate amount to business account, subtract household budget and give him remainder in his private account to waste spend. He would not have card for business account on him so no temptation to "borrow".
I really feel this is make-or-break as I'm sick of worrying about money when we should be fine.

TOTALLY YANBU. Why don't you offer yourself to do the accountancy for his business (VAT returns, admin, etc?). Pay yourself a small wage, make sure there is enought put aside for leaner times, and control the amount of debt he gets you all into.

YANBU

But why bother with the business account if his money is paid into the joint account? I would ditch it and have one less thing to worry about.

YANBU

I think you need to have a serious discussion about this as it will only lead to resentment and upset.

You're DH does need to take some control over his own spending, but until then, giving you the financial control is sensible.

Does he accept that he is terrible with money or does he think that you are being uunreasonable?

YANBU. If he is likely to feel like you're parenting him though, I would sell it to him as Pacita says, as you taking a role in the business. It does look like you have a very sensible idea.

Your DH. Sorry more haste less speed!

KateF your plan sounds good to me.

Business money is exactly that. He needs to get real.

I'd make him see someone else to sort out his finances and tell him straight. That way you don't cause arguments and it doesn't get personal.

Niecie- accountant says must have business account for tax reasons and he is not to take personal spending from it, otherwise would agree with you.

Sadly, he is likely to be very stroppy about it, his view being that he earns it, he can do what he likes with it. I do the business admin/liaise with the accountant but have no access to the money.

KatieF - I was wondering if that was the reason but surely all the money has to go into that account as well? In that case you would be better off as a signatory on the business account (because you are doing his books for him not because he needs babying) and then transfering money as and when it is needed. Can you get the accountant to have a word about organization of the business?

Or, another way of getting him to see sense and hand over some control would be to ask what would happen if he was incapacitated or even killed and you couldn't get into the business account for family money or to run the business until he was back on his feet. You would need to be a signatory then.

That is part of the reason I am signatory on my DH account - although thankfully he doesn't give me cause to have to use it.

YANBU, but I have no idea how to get him to see that. Your plan sounds incredibly reasonable. He can do what he likes with the money he earns once his house and his children and his wife have been taken care of - if that's the way he sees things. At the moment, he is not spending money HE earns, he is spending his taxes and then expecting you to pay his tax.
Why does he need a credit card? Can that disappear?

That would work if I could get him to agree to not having a card for the business account and letting me do the transferring. I need to ring-fence his personal spending money so that when it's gone he can't get at any other funds. I hate this-he's 42 years old FFS!

harecare-he no longer has any credit cards (that I know of) and neither do I because he used to get me to pay tax bills on my card and I didn't want to be lumbered with debts in my name.

The trust thing is a big issue. I have applied for a TA job this week because if he won't agree to this I'm not sure I can stay with him any more and I'll need to support my girls myself.

"Sadly, he is likely to be very stroppy about it, his view being that he earns it, he can do what he likes with it."

But he didn't earn your savings, or the 12k that he put on your credit card - this is ridiculous! Tell him flat that you're not going to see your inheritance go the same way and then have nothing to fall back on so, if he can't work with you to a reasonable plan, you'll have to divorce him to protect your savings from the HMRC and angry creditors!

Well it's a relief that no-one thinks IABU. I emailed him earlier with my plan - conspicuous lack of response so far.

Also not true that you have to have a business acount just because you are SE. Think its only if you have LTD company.

If he has a bad attitude to money then all you'll do by restricting his access to it is make him resent you, as LunaticFringe found out with her exH. He needs to change his attitude to money. Would he consider getting some financial counselling?

He does have a Ltd company, which is why I made him get an accountant-it's not as simple as being a sole trader.
I will look into financial counselling, not something I was aware existed. If he would go advice would come better from a stranger than from me.

When you say his pay would go into the joint account do you mean the money from his invoices because if you do that money has to go into the business account if it is Ltd company. The cheques or transfers should be in the company name. You need to ring fence the business money which is not very helpful to you, I know. Check with the accountant though because it is a complication.

Oh, I didn't know that Niecie. That spoils my cunning plan no end. He will have to let me be on business account then so I can move money out.

Why not ask for a salary for doing his accounts, as well? Instead of charging him interest on the money you have bailed him out with, that is.

Don't underestimate how much hassle it is to run the finances for someone else! That needs more recognition than simply saving yourself (and DC) from destitution!

I think you are right in not bailing him out again - unlss you take over the finances. Give him X amount as spends - the family has to come first.

Katie - I just checked with DH who is an accountant and I was correct in thinking the invoiced earnings of the company (i.e. what your husband earns) does have to go into the company account. It is company money until it is paid out either as a salary or as a dividend. Check with your accountant that this is the case - not because I think my DH has it wrong but because your accountant knows the details of your DH's company and there might be differences in what my DH understands and the way your business has been set up.

I'm sorry to scupper your plan though.

Well, scuppered unless he agrees to you being a signatory and running the accounts. I hope he sees sense.