to wish my mother at least gave the impression she wanted to see her grandchildren?

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

Warning this is going to sound a bit bitter and twisted as I am feeling bruised from my latest ma related crisis.

My mother lives hundreds of milse away in a small town, she has issues with depression and anxiety and has a tiny fixed income. So I see her maybe a 3 or 4 times a year max at the moment. Always through my own effort or my buying her train tickets which I am happy to do. But I do get a little fed up with her inability to express joy or even mild happiness at seeing her grand children. She rarely asks about them in our regular phone convos (at least once usually more a week). This weekend I was called by her to say she couldn't come to visit, as she was to wound up and anxious to travel and stay over night.

I had booked tickets in advance for her so they have remained unused - which is not the end of the world, but she did not once ask about or refer to the children in any of our conversations over the next few days. My son is 6 and cried when he found out she could not visit and has made her a get well soon. While Mum is either too upset to talk about them or too self obsessed. I would like to think it is the former, but at more bleak moments I think it is the latter.

My younger siblings and I clubbed together to buy Mum a new TV for xmas, I decided that we should give it to her early in order to 'cheer her up' and she was delighted.While I amaware that I am unlikely to see Mum until well into next year at this rate and am beginning to accept my children are just not going to have a proper relationship with her my 2 year old barely knows who she is.

I don't know if I am more sad or angry about this. Should I just accept it is what it is?

sorry not very well constructed op - I am confused and I think that shows in the way I am expressing myself. I am also tired very tired.

Had same issues with my mother (who was a primary school teacher). I gave up in the end. My expectations were probably too high, but had to accept i couldn't change her. It's very hurtful especially knowing what my dc are missing out on compared to other cchildren with 'normal' gps.

Thank you wherecanihide - I am sorry you have similar issues. I think it bothers me because I know she loves children and enjoys looking after them - but seems to have deliberately cut herself off - maybe to protect herself. But I just find it so hurtful that she does not think to ask about them when we speak.

Can't you go and the children go and see her? If she has depression issues travel may feel virtually impossible.

My dcs have a great relationship with their grandparents on both sides, but it does involve us doing the travelling and has done ever since they were babies. Doesn't mean they love them any the less, just that it's easier for young healthy people to travel.

It's very strange. Would you be able to ask her about this and tell her how you feel? When I tried to talk to my mother she just got very defensive and wouldn't accept she was anything but perfect. I used to feel very upset and fustrated. We ended up moving 160 miles away to be near pil (who have passed away now).

Cory - We do go to see her when we can - but as 2 of my children are at school - I don't drive and it takes a whole day by train (and the same by car really) to get there it is not very practical outside shool hols - Not to mention expensive. The last two times we saw her we travelled there - we even took our summer holiday near her this year.

if your mum is depressed travelling may be an impossible hurdle for her. depression is a terrible thing, it saps you of all your confidence and you can't think straaight. would you be so upset if you could see a physical problem? if she is depressed she probably isn't deliberately withdrawing from you and the dc's it's part of her illness. all the same it is not great for you either, trying to work out whether she is just being awkward or is ill, and the emotional fall out for you too is naff too. you have my sympathy. hope she picks up soon.

nothing much to add other than that you are not alone, my mum is much the same.
hope you don't blame yourself for how your kids feel, it's much more important you are real with them and make a new way of being family.

Could you not travel to see her?

I know well what it is like to deal with Mum's depression and have done all my life - I help her all the time and visit when I can but it is too far and too expensive to do during term time especially as her house is too small to accomodate us all - I have done the journey on my own with 3 small children often enough to feel I do my part.

Sorry if I sound defensive but I really get frustrated as I am (mostly) patient and understanding of her problems I have been her sounding board for as long as I can remember and have always known more about her feelings than I wanted to (from a very young age). I have bailed her out and helped her find housing, filled out numerous forms, paid deposits etc. etc. I worry about her and keep in regular contact, send photos and get the children to talk to her on the phone. After 36 years I am tired of it all.

I know my expectations are unrealistic but sometimes I just want to feel like she is my mother instead of the other way around, especially as she often accuses me of patronising her...