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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like a failure

21 replies

Cadders1 · 24/11/2010 09:52

ok I know aibu but DS keeps waking at night, has milk before a nap and cuddled to sleep, he is one year and i know I am now at the point when he should not be having these things anymore. He used to be able to settle himself but since a number of illnesses and teething - he seems to have completly lost the ability. Really don't want to have to do CC, but not sure what else to do to stop habitual night waking. Anyway - just feel that I have loads of problems to solve - although he is a gorgeous little boy and if I have to cuddle him to sleep till hes 10 I would!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cadders1 · 24/11/2010 09:53

Any help - would be gratefully received! Or just some reassurance - please be gentle!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 24/11/2010 09:56

No advice really but just wanted to reassure you that I am in the same situation

tbh I am not really worrying about it as I'm pretty certain it will pass.

winnybella · 24/11/2010 09:57

I think it's fine, tbh. Sure, you might want to watch for a moment when it may be easier to start getting back to the routine, for your own comfort, but at the same time a 1 yo is still a baby.

DD was bf to sleep for ages at at 21 mo still is for her nap, although goes to bed in the evening awake.

It doesn't cause any problems, tbh. She also had phases of night waking- but I think that's to be expected. She sleeps through most nights now.

I wouldn't worry

daimbardiva · 24/11/2010 09:58

I think you are being too hard on yourself - I know plenty of one year olds who are similar, and if he has been ill a lot then it may take a bit longer for things to settle into a routine.

I can't offer any help I'm afraid as I've been very lucky with my 17month old who is a really good sleeper (still likes his dummy though, and his bedtime bottle), but I do think you shouldn't worry too much. When my wee boy has had spells of waking during the night, I go through, comfort him but then leave again straight away, and repeat as necessary until he goes back off - not cc, but perhaps a gentler version?

ENormaSnob · 24/11/2010 09:58

Sorry, meant to add that you are definately not a failure and yabu to think otherwise

cheesebaby · 24/11/2010 10:29

I think you're being too hard on yourself also - you're giving your baby what he needs - how could that possibly make you a bad mother?!

If you're happy to do that, than sod what anyone else thinks; do what's right for you and your child. There's no 'should be' when it comes to sleep and parenting, in my book!

Fernie3 · 24/11/2010 10:32

I don't think its that unusual at 1 to do this. Out of my three oldest two of em have gone through phases of the same. I have to admit now i just pick them up and take them in our bed. My oldest 2 seem to have grown out of it now at 6 and 4 and so it hasn't done them any long term harm!

Sorry for being extremely unhelpful!

BuntyPenfold · 24/11/2010 10:40

I could never do CC.
I always comforted them.
It doesn't make children clingy, it makes them confident.

So follow your instincts, you are a not a failure:)

deviladvocate · 24/11/2010 10:49

i think you sound like a lovely mum! your baby needs you to comfort him - whether it's day or night you're there for him. I feel sad for children whose parents don't do that.

kveta · 24/11/2010 10:52

yABU - but so am I, exactly the same, 1 year old who doesn't sleep by himself or sleep through.

fingers crossed it's just a short phase they're going through!

TheUnmentioned · 24/11/2010 10:58

he is 1, a baby, he needs you and youre there for him. that cannot be wrong.

sims2fan · 24/11/2010 11:01

I don't have kids myself, but my mum's opinion, which I always regard very highly, is that people worry about this way too much. Apparently my brother and I were always rocked to sleep as babies, and then as toddlers and small children were sung and read to sleep. My mum never left us to cry. She just knew we wouldn't still be wanting to be cuddled to sleep as teenagers, so what was the harm in doing it as babies? As we got older we always had a very good bedtime routine and from the age of about 3 never got out of bed in the night and could settle ourselves after a story. As kids get older they naturally stop wanting cuddles to get them to sleep, so enjoy them while they last!

plantsitter · 24/11/2010 11:05

I don't think 1 is a magic 'right stop being a baby now' age (though it sometimes seems like it) and I would just not worry about it if you're not desperate to change things.

If you are though, getting DP to do night wakings seemed to stop DD having them as much at the same age. Don't think she enjoyed the cuddle as much frankly.

You're not a failure. You won't wish you'd cuddled him less at night when he's 30.

BagofHolly · 24/11/2010 11:09

Sounds very normal, and lovely to me! One day he won't want cuddles!
I won't do CC either, but tried putting my boy in his cot when he was still awake but sleepy and that seemed to help him self settle a bit because he wakes up in the place where he fell asleep, rather than thinking "mum has gone!"
As for "failure" what nonsense! Don't be so hard on yourself! X

togarama · 24/11/2010 11:24

There's no set time for these things. Why on earth should you feel bad about cuddling your baby?

I'm sure that very strict bedtime routines may be helpful for some kids with real sleep or behavioural problems. I think that they may be necessary to balance work and homelife in some families.

However, I think the idea that all babies should conform to some standard set out in popular childcare books is wrong, stupid, stressful for babies and needlessly worrying for parents.

I haven't seen any evidence that bedtime cuddles are harmful to babies and haven't found this to be true myself either. DD was usually cuddled to sleep at your son's age. At 21 months she often goes to sleep by herself. My parents had 4 kids and didn't do CC with any of us. I was happy to go to sleep alone from early on and one of my brothers needed to be cuddled to sleep until school age. It was down to personality and individual development rate rather than bedtime routine.

Nagoo · 24/11/2010 11:31

I did stop giving my DS milk in the night, and went in with water. He did protest for a bit, but he got a cuddle and it didn't take too long to adjust to 'the regime'.

I did leave him to it for a little while (CC never seemed too bad to me, but I'm a hard bastard ). And IME it was best for us, DS never seemed overly distressed, and it did 'work' in terms of helping him to self settle so I got to sleep by myself in my bed... But that is me.

YABU to feel like a failure! He's your baby and you do what is best for both of you! There isn't a right way to do this. If you want to sleep with him, if you want to cuddle him, you do what you like!

LittleMissHissyFit · 24/11/2010 12:29

Way too hard on yourself, took till gone 18m till I managed to get DS to settle himself!

You could try the cuddling bit until he is almost dropping off, then put him down but stay close, stroke and then gently withdraw.

Sure it'll take a while, you will have to spend a while stroking etc, but then pop in and out of the room, faff about with the sock drawer or something, with another stroke if he becomes distressed, and eventually he'll get used to you not actually holding him, but physically there. gradually extend the amount of time you spend out of the room before popping back in and he'll drop off eventually.

badfairy · 24/11/2010 12:33

DS1 is 5 1/2 and it's only been this year that he has been able to lie in bed on his own and go to sleep(up until this summer I cuddled him until he fell asleep). DS2 on the otherhand has been able to settle himself since he was 9 months old. You really have to take your lead from the child they are all different, So please don't be hard on yourself or him.

Original poster

Cadders1 · 24/11/2010 14:33

Thanks everyone, you have made me feel a lot better!

OP posts:

Squitten · 24/11/2010 14:50

I wouldn't worry about it - they do get there in their own time! We could never be bothered with CC - just seemed to end up with nobody getting any sleep!

We just gave things a try when we thought DS might be up for it, e.g. swapping his milk bottle in the night for a water one instead, swapping the bottle for a cup, etc. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't and we had to wait a bit and try again later on. We managed to get rid of the milk at night and the bottles before DS was 18mths old but sleeping took a lot longer. He is now 2.2 and has only just started to sleep through after his birthday. We think it's a combination of an effective nightlight, starting nursery, eating more during the day (fussy boy!), etc. He was just ready!

Don't be so hard on yourself!

pinkdelight · 24/11/2010 14:53

YABU! But I know just how you feel from when DS was that age. Baby Whisperer's pick-up put-down thing worked for us. Her tone (in Secrets of Baby Whisperer) is a bit annoying but if you ignore that, the practical stuff was brilliant. And much nicer than CC. Good luck and be nice to yourself.

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