To be sending in huge lunches with my children tomorrow?

[BrandyButterPie]

I have a 1yo and a 3.5yo in a lovely nursery. 1yo is BF and BLW, will eat everything but is a bit of a boob monster, and is on the 25th percentile but has always been small, and DHs family are all small.

Anyway, FIL picked the kids up tonight for me, and when he was dropping them off said that nursery have asked for me to send in a list of what the baby eats as they think she doesn't eat enough. They also want me to send in more food in her lunch. Thier evidence for this is;

a) she is small
b) she seemed hungry today - she ate porridge when she got there at 10am and she ate her entire can of baby food. (I have given up sending in proper food as they always claim she didn't like it and give her mush anyway, like instant mash, which I don't mind occaisionally but it is hardly a good staple diet, and they just send home any yogurts or anything I send in, untouched- at least if I send a jar or pot of homemade mush I know that she is getting something near real food. They also fuss if she doesn't have enough ounces from her bottle of milk)

They are a lovely nursery apart from this, but I am really annoyed that they seem to think I am neglecting my baby. This morning she had a solid two hours on the boob, plus co sleeping and snacking all night, plus a weetabix plus half a banana before nursery, which admittedely is more than she usually has, but she must be having a growth spurt.

So now I have to send in a note each morning of what she has eaten.

I think I'm even more annoyed as the HV the other week felt the need to point out that, even though she is breastfed, she still needs food. Like I am some kind of twat.

So, I have a full lunchbox for her tomorrow, with a ham and stuffing sandwich, a tin of babyfood, carrot sticks, raisins, juice, milk and a bourbon biscuit. i'm also considering sending in some printed off sheets about baby led weaning and the older breastfed baby and why they might not take so much milk in the day if they are co sleeping and feeding all night.

The big one is getting her usual meal of a sandwich, orange, carrots, fruit bar, chocolate, juice, raisins, sunflower seeds and a biscuit. I bet the fruit and veg comes back in it's boxes, not even opened - they have a kitchen where they prepare the food sent so it's not like the children are choosing themselves what to eat and leave, and DD1 just refused chocolate for her supper in favour of a carrot anyway.

We have abysmal levels of breastfeeding here and she is the youngest baby in the nursery, so maybe they just aren't used to breastfed babies. On the other hand, they may think that I am some kind of abusive mother, but I don't see how asking me to send in diet sheets would help that.

I was really happy with the nursery till now, but this has pissed me off. Maybe FIL got the message wrong though - I'll have to have a word tomorrow.

Or will I just annoy the nursery? BLW isn't exactly some kind of exotic niche thing is it? The concept of growth spurts can't have escaped nursery workers?

Well sure, you may as well send in huge lunches.

I think maybe you are over-reacting a bit, they sound like they are trying to work with you to make sure she has a high enough food intake, asking what she will reliably eat that they could offer, not necessarily requesting a full diary of what she eats every day and scrutinising it.

DD was small for age (lower percentile than yours) and breastfed, but nursery never gave me grief (8 years ago). She ate like a gannet, though, heaven knows where she put it (is still small for age).

The message was "nursery say can you send in a note to say what she has had for breakfast because they are worried that you aren't feeding her enough. They said they were embarrassed to ask me (FIL) but they are worried about her. Can you send in more food for her too. When she got in today she was starving and they gave her porridge, and a whole jar of food, and she is really small"

Should I maybe ring in the morning before they go? With the weather being so awful lateley they have been getting a lift to the nursery off FIL most days, and I have a job interview anyway tomorrow so doubly can't go in. I could pick them up, but I'd be fuming all day if I don't find out what is going on.

I think it is just the fact that the HV was being arsey as well that makes this worse. She's a small baby! Her Dad is small! Her grandad gets his trousers from the school uniform section!

Grr.

I would be so upset! Apart from anything else, it's totally indiscreet of them to have sent this message home with your FIL, this is obvs something to be handled sensitively with the mother.

They are obvs wrong. Not sure what you can do, but you know you are putting your DD at a huge advantage by BF her. It will boost her immunity to all those nursery bugs, for a start!

FWIW, I BF DC3 'till about 2 1/2, he didn't have a huge appetite for meals (of course he ate some food, like your DD, just not as much as might be expected) until he was weaned, then started eating more and put on loads of weight. I still think extended BF was good for him. Maybe this is one of the ways it helps curb future obesity.

Why don't you send in note saying that she is going through a very hungry phase at the moment but please don't worry about her size she is just tiny like your dh and his family and the rest of your family.........

I'm not denying that she is hungry. Just annoyed at the assumption that she is hungry because I don't feed her.

Who the hell do they think they are telling your fil on you, so to speak.v. unprofesional
I think you need to send in the information you need for them to understand that this is the way your baby is being fed and how to enable that.
Then ask them why they are feeding them the food you are sending in/

Cargirl's idea sounds good to me. Just write that, but don't feel under any obligation to tell nursery everything your DD eats at home. None of their business.

Are you absolutely sure that's what they said?

My lovely but opinionated mother would embroider a message like that to emphasise her own views. The 'don't feed her enough' comment is certainly something she's add on/misinterpret.

I'm sure your fil is a lot less devious than my own mother, but just thought I'd check..

tbh OP i like your idea of sending in the info about BLW and the older BF baby. if BF rates are low in teh area then it could be a case of none of the staff having experience of a 1yr Old BFer and how that affects what other food they eat.

Better that they have noticed than if they hadn't.

I know you say she is 'just small' but to be honest, one of my friends thought her daughters were 'just small - they weren't. They were simply constantly, ever so slightly, underfed. She underportioned for them, and thought they ate really well because they always cleared their plates. She thought she had really good eaters who are naturally very skinny - it's actually quite clear that she had slightly underfed children.

The Hv gently told her that they were underweight, and that if they were 'always clearing their plates' then it was time to put more on the plates. She feels very guilty, but to be honest she's not very interested in food herself. It was sad though, when they used to come round and decimate my fridge, my bread, my fruit bowl for lunch and she used to be gobsmacked at how much they ate on that ONE occasion .... and it was the same as my slightly younger boys were eating!

now, I'm not saying that this is what you're doing, but that the nursery must have seen this a lot, and 1 year old can be quite a frowth spurty age.

I assume when you say 25th centile you do mean for height and weight btw.

Also if your dd prefers low calorie food such as carrots then she isn't getting many calories per moutful IYSWIM. I've got 4 dds and have had the range of shapes and sizes and it's the least fussy one who will eat anything that is the skinniest and definately was as a baby, she was by far the lightest at a year old even though she wasn't the shortest!

Colditz - good point, and I knew she was hungry yesterday, so maybe I should have sent more food than usual (in fact I did actually consider it but decided not to as they send any extra food back and I don't find it till I empty the nappy bag that night so it has to be chucked out, if she is hungry they like to give their own snacks) It is more the approach. They know I work from home, and I am always saying to them that they can ring me whenever they like, they also have my email address (I have dealt with them in a work capacity) so why go through FIL on something so sensitive?

I'm going to have to speak to them and find out what exactly was said. If it was just "it would be a good idea to know how hungry she is likely to be and if FIL is dropping off we can't ask you" then that is fine, but if it is "we think you are neglecting your child" then obviously it is not.

She always has a little bit left on her plate at home - if she finishes her portion, we give her more, and she is snacking/bfing all day.

The nursery diary is always filled with lots of "offered milk, only took 2oz" and "offered toast, ate half" so they know she isn't always so hungry.

It was very wrong of them to speak to your FIL and not you, I quite agree with you. I also think your proposed approach is a good one. Send in extra food, but do also let them know about the details (BF mainly) and gently make it clear that you wish to be spoken to personally about any issues, rather than them approaching a non-parent (albeit a family member, but still....).

How can it be ok for the FIL to be authorised to pick the child up but not have authorisation to hear about issues related to her welfare??

Do we parents have to start filling in separate consent forms now for every nursery/preschool/school, which state
A) Who can pick them up
B) Who can be told details of their day
C) Who can be contacted in case of emergency

etc. etc. I am sick of the paperwork. If he's authorised to pick her up he's authorised to hear about her day, imho.

You should take the note in and discuss it with them - it is unprofessional that they have spoken to your fil and not to you, and you need to know exactly what was said.

Send a note, add to the bottom of it that you are keen they try to get her to eat the fruit and veg. If it comes back unopened, call on Monday and ask why they didn't bother to feed her the food you sent if they think she's underweight.

Also, you might want to look at finding another nursery/childminder that are better at supporting your choice of how to raise/feed your DCs.

I don't really understand how they can be concerned that you're not feeding her enough, if they know that she often doesn't finish what is offered at nursery. IMO as long as children are being offered plenty of food, it is down to them how much they eat. If she's not always clearing her plate, she obviously isn't always hungry.

I also think the nursery have gone the wrong way about approaching you. I would think it's fine to talk to your FIL about the DC's days and any immediate concerns (e.g. something like a slight rash they've noticed or an incident that happened that day) but a longer term, more serious concern should be raised directly with the parent- by phone if necessary.

FWIW, my 2 year-old DD can be extremely fussy with eating at times. She often leaves whole meals at nursery, the other week I picked her up and the only thing she'd eaten all day was some orange jelly. The nursery have discussed this with me, but have never shown serious concern or implied DH and I are doing anything 'wrong'. DD is clearly growing well, healthy and has tons of energy. Nursery just deal with it sensibly and accept it as part of DD's personality.

very unprofessional and quite rude. Id go in and talk to them. They dont sound very informed