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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think other mothers don't lose their temper with their DC?

48 replies

diamondsandtiaras · 23/11/2010 15:27

I have found DD1 really difficult to deal with today. It's been one thing after the other, culminating in me having to remove her from soft play hell after half an hour for throwing the plastic balls at her baby sister.

We got home and I totally lost it with her and have put her in bed. I was really rough with her and smacked her arm.

Please flame me, I deserve it. And I can't stop crying.

OP posts:

wintersnow · 23/11/2010 16:06

My daughter was very hard work around the 2-3 age. I felt terrible, stressed & v. guilty a lot of the time, it felt as if I was doing something wrong in the way I was bringing her up, I remember phoning my health visitor in tears! She is now 5 and her behaviour is so much better, she is still very strong willed but has calmed down and rarely has tantrums. I have two other DC's and they are much more chilled out in comparison so I think in my case it was more to do with DD's personality rather than my terrible parenting.

APixieInMyTea · 23/11/2010 16:07

shakes glyn's hand

No worries. My toddler is being very testing today too.

Seriously though diamonds. She won't remember this later so don't be too hard on yourself.

Original poster

diamondsandtiaras · 23/11/2010 16:07

so can anyone tell me how they would deal with the refusal to put shoes on/get in car etc etc? Do you persuade them? Bribe them? Threaten to take a favourite toy away?

Persuasion doesn't work with DD because she's too busy creating a scene to listen to what I'm saying. When she wouldn't put her shoes on I just picked them up and made like I was going to walk out of the door to the car park without her, which worked and she put them on. When she wouldn't get in the car I told her that if she didn't get in she would have to stay in the carpark by herself as me and DD2 were going home, which worked.......but was that cruel? To make her think I would actually abandon her in a carpark?

Sorry for waffling.

OP posts:

wintersnow · 23/11/2010 16:11

DH and I found being stricter and having firmer boundaries helped with DD's behaviour, a bit like supernanny. She would go on the naughty mat after 2 warnings and have treats taken away/not given. Praising her good behaviour was very important too!

Onetoomanycornettos · 23/11/2010 16:11

I find physically removing myself the best way not to smack mine, which I aim to do never, and do only rarely (and almost never now they are that little bit older). Obviously you can't do that in the car park but once you get home, just plonk them somewhere safe and go off in another room (kind of like the naughty step except you put yourself on it to get away from them).

I don't think threatening to get in the car and drive off is unreasonable, because by then, they are completely unreasonable anyway. Once a three year old has lost it, the only thing you can do is keep them safe til it all blows over.

You did the right thing by following through over the threat to leave, you may find that pays dividends over the next few weeks. She knows you mean business over that at least.

DooinMeCleanin · 23/11/2010 16:11

Refusal to out shoes on - simples, leave them off. They will soon learn when they get cold feet.

Getting into the car is harder but I am physically stringer than a child so I can get them in. I just do it with as little fuss as possible, trying to talk calmly to them to diffuse the situation i.e "Oh dear, you don't want to go in the car? What a shame. I like riding in the car. What do you like doing? I bet you like eating chocolate?" or some sort of inane drivel along those lines. Or i try and make them laugh by oing something silly.

Of course that is just in theory, in reality it doesn't always go that way. I think how easily you deal with something depends very much on what else has happened during the day.

Fernie3 · 23/11/2010 16:13

When my older daughter was young i used to say something like (sounds silly now)

"hey bet you cant get your shoes in before i get mine on" sometimes the winner woukd get a sweet or something.

Now i have younger children we do the same - don't let her win everytime though otherwise it's not a game anymore and she wont play!

pinkhebe · 23/11/2010 16:13

I found walking swiftly away always worked, and threatening to leave them too (the problem comes when they say 'go on then' but I think you'll be ok for a few years yet lol :) ) I lost it with ds after school he's in his room reading because I don't want to see him at the moment (he's 10), She'll be fine :)

wintersnow · 23/11/2010 16:14

With the car for example, she would be told firmly that that is what was going to happen, we were going in the car. If she refused she would be picked up and put in the car kicking & screaming. If she carried on screaming and shouting we would tell her that if she didn't stop she would not be going to ..../getting...... and if she didn't stop we would follow through. It is hard but it works

Original poster

diamondsandtiaras · 23/11/2010 16:16

Like the trying to diffuse the situation idea dooin. I can pick her up and get her in the car but I can't physically get her arms in the car seat straps and get them done up if she really decides she doesn't want me to......I can't hold her down and wrestle her in at the same time.

Thanks for talking, you are making me feel a bit better. I think I need to develop a clear idea of what I will do next time so that I don't feel so clueless.

OP posts:

Fernie3 · 23/11/2010 16:17

Agree with wintersnow if they refuse the nice way dont be afraid to pick them up and physically move them or put their shoes on for them at that age.just don't let them win ! ( ok now i sound like a victory obsessed prison guard)

IsItMeOr · 23/11/2010 16:18

Lol on the carseat. I wish there was an answer to that one too!

I am still physically stronger than 20mo DS, but only have two arms, which can make the car seat tricky if he does the back arching thing.

I've let him climb into the front and play with the controls for 10mins, which sometimes helped. But the most reliable approach is to give him something to hold, usually food.

Ormirian · 23/11/2010 16:20

Of course they do. We all do sometimes.

And if they really don't I think they are in fact androids not human beings so they don't count. So there.

wintersnow · 23/11/2010 16:21

I think the reason she is so much better behaved now is because we took the approach we did. I do think young children try out different ways of behaving to see what they can get away with, if tantruming & refusing to do what they're told works they will keep at it

NestaFiesta · 23/11/2010 16:22

YANBU. We are human, we are not robots. Its hard to explain to non parents the new and horrible levels of stress a child can bring you to. I have shouted and I have smacked bottoms, and it wasn't my fienst hour. But sometimes they need to know you have a limit too.

Don't beat yourself up about it, remember all the tiems you COULD have shouted and didn't. Remember how many times you stayed calm and remember some occasions when you were really pushed and tested and handled it well. Give yourself credit as well as debit!

If yelling and smacking was the daily norm for you, you wouldn't be on here posting this would you?

Don't grovel to her, but explain she pushed you too far by not listening and hurting her sister. Ask what she can do differently next time maybe and then say what you might do differently next time.

Then have a cup of tea and put it behind you. One bad day does not cancel out all the good you've done for them.

Original poster

diamondsandtiaras · 23/11/2010 16:24

The back arching is definitely difficult to handle isitme, especially as it comes along with tightly folding her arms accross her chest.

I deperately try not to get involved in a confrontation with her. I can distract her most of the time but it doesn't always work. If she gets to melt down point there's not a lot can be done I don't think.

I can deal with it fine at home - she has time out on the naughty chair. I just get a bit lost when we're out and about. And I hate it when there are bystanders watching and judging. I feel crap enough as it is without them adding to it. There was an older gentleman in the car park with his little grandaughter and I just wanted to say "please feel free to come and have a go if you think you can do any better!"

OP posts:

LaWeaselMys · 23/11/2010 16:24

I was another one crying on the hallway on friday.

Although DD is a bit younger, but just as determinedly pig-headed.

So far this week distraction by activity and more naps has helped.

(Although, of course now she is staying up really late. But one thing at a time...)

Original poster

diamondsandtiaras · 23/11/2010 16:37

I can hear her stirring upstairs so off to make my apologies. Thanks so much for not flaming and being supportive. Don't know what I'd do without MN sometimes

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solo · 23/11/2010 16:45

I've got into the car and started the engine! Dd came running pretty bloody quick! No, it's not cruel. They have gone to learn. Quite often I just pick up Dd and make her do as I ask/tell/say.

IsItMeOr · 23/11/2010 17:02

Hope your apology went well diamonds.

I avoid going out in car too often, which also seems to help with the carseat thing. Doesn't do much for my our social lives though.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 17:07

Everyone has bad days-if they say that they are always sweetness and light don't believe them! I found going out of the room, counting to 10 and going back with something positive helped. Or a glass of wine!!

Original poster

diamondsandtiaras · 23/11/2010 17:10

Apology done. I explained why I lost my temper. She doesn't even seem bothered about the smack and is more concerned with being shouted at.

We are going to sit and watch some Peppa together for a little while before I make her tea.

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 23/11/2010 17:17

Ah, the healing magic of tv .

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