another family and Christmas AIBU

[mumof4sons]

My marriage broke up last Christmas. My boys and I have been invited to spend Christmas with x-SIL (ex's sister). I have accepted. She and I have remained friendly and she thinks what her brother did to me was appalling - her ex had an affair too. She rang the other day to say to be at hers around 12 - fair enough. She then tells me that her other DB and SIL(my ex's B and his W) are going to be there for a pre-lunch drink (not staying for lunch) - fair enough it is her house and family.

AIBU to have said to her that we will come later when they have gone? Ex BIL and Ex SIL have not contacted me once since my H walked out on his family in April. I was told by friendly SIL that they wanted to see me and boys. They have shown me no support this year. I saw them briefly at nephews birthday party and they barely bothered to utter a few words to me. I feel if they want to see the boys they can contact my ex. I obviously don't matter to them.

AIBU and petty? SIL says she doesn't mind if I come later, just really don't want to spoil her Christmas. They are her family.

YANBU.if i was in your position i would do them same espacially as friendly sil says its ok.

Maybe previously they felt awkward due to your ex's behaviour and didn't know what to say, your sil might have found it easier due to having been in the same situation. This could be a good time to see if you can build bridges for your dc's sakes. If they're only going to be there for the pre-lunch drink then it shouldn't take more than an hour or two. I'd go and see how it pans out. If things are still awkward you can avoid them like the plague in future.

Fine to turn up later, you won't spoil your SIL's Christmas at all, especially if there might be a strained atmosphere if both you and they are there at the same time. If you wanted to be nice, you could time your arrival to coincide with their departure so there is a 10 minute flurry of hellos and goodbyes and you have been seen to make some effort.

as long as exSIL doesn't mind i don't see the harm. Like you said if they wanted to see you all they've had plenty of time to extend the hand of friendship... they have no obligation to maintain friendly contact with you but neither do you have any obligation whatsoever to deal with awkwardness and falsity at christmas on their behalf... enjoy your morning at home with you boys and head over to exSILs once they're gone and enjoy the rest of the day without any grief

If they told your SIL that they want to see you and the boys then I'd imagine that part of it is because they feel bad about not being in touch, and see this as a good opportunity to try and patch things up.

From my experience with my BIL and SIL (dh's bro and his wife), who are trying desperately to conceive, they have been crap in terms of support for me when I was pregnant and even after my dd was born. They didn't send a card, gift, anything, then came round three weeks later and barely looked at dd. BUT, through little sentences and passed-on snippets from MIL, I have heard that they absolutely love seeing the dds and really like how un-pushy we are with regards to shoving a baby in their faces, considering their position.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that unless you utterly, utterly don't want to be there when they are (which is understandable considering their lack of support) then don't go, and don't worry about ruining SIL's xmas - it won't.

Buuuuuuut, I think this could be the moment when they do start showing they care.

well it could be a good time to have a drink with them, get back in touch, let by gones be by gones etc etc all in spirit of Christmas?

Perhaps rather than you not mattering to them, they simply didn't know what to say, felt divided loyalties, didn't know how to handle the situation, or did so badly but unintentionally & they are probably looking forward to seeing you & your DC's.

YANBU but I would go along for the drink too. You might find that your ex-bil and ex-sil are hoping to patch things up with you. Plus I'm guessing your boys haven't seen much of their cousins this year. Sounds like it would be a nice opportunity to do that too.

Build bridges IMO.

It's always good to have alies in a family, not to mention that you'll look fantastic and happy and that will get back to your ex. :)

I agree with some of the others

You don't know that you don't matter to them. They appear to have handled this badly and been unsupportive, but here's a chance to rise above it and let them prove to you that they do care.

Also agree with solo. Dress up and show them how happy you are

I'd go - it may lead to a really supportive relationship; it may not. It may be great for your kids and crap for you, or the other way around. I'd go just because I'd want to know...

YANBU but I think you should go. Unless they have been out and out nasty to you which it doesn't sound like they have, it's worth going. If after this one time they don't bother with you then I'd avoid them and let ex set up a visit for them.

Some people just do not know what to say to people in these situations. It must be hard for them what with devided loyalties as your ex (BIL's own brother) has behaved so badly.