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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is this a parenting decision?

27 replies

madcow78 · 22/11/2010 13:15

We've unexpectedly started potty training DD1 (2.10) since Friday. We've been planning to start for ages, she has potty's around the house and would do the occasional wee on them but we've never gone full cold turkey on the nappies until now. We would have tried over the summer but DD2 arrived in March and had open heart surgery at the end of August, and also has silent reflux and is a dreadful sleeper so we felt we had enough on our plate.

Anyway, Friday morning DD1 asked first thing to go on the potty so I just thought we'd go for it as we had 4 days at home to try and get over the worst. It started badly (but I'm guessing only the lucky few crack it straight away) and we did resort to pull ups but she just treated them like nappies so we went back to pants and she seems to be getting it today.

She's at nursery 3 days a week and their policy is to have a meeting between key worker, parent and a senior staff member before potty training. I phoned nursery today to say we had started and could we have a meeting when I drop her off tomorrow. The deputy manager came on the phone to tell me that they don't usually do potty training in the winter (fair enough it's not my first choice either but these things happen), and they insist on pull ups. It's an outdoor nursery so I'm aware it's going to be a hassle taking waterproofs off every time she needs to go or needs changing after the inevitable accidents but surely it's my decision when and how to go about potty training isn't it?

I don't want to kick up an unnecessary fuss as it's a really great nursery, we all love it and have a good relationship with them but I do think they are being a bit unreasonable.

OP posts:
RhinestoneCowgirl · 22/11/2010 13:18

Great that they're outside, but anyway...

I would expect childcare provider to go along with what you're doing at home. I've never used pull-ups as to me they just seem confusing (they are just nappies after all). And I speak as someone who found themselves pottytraining at this time of year, nearly 9 months pg with DC2. I wasn't planning it, but DS was insistent!

Chil1234 · 22/11/2010 13:18

I think if you've delegated part of the care of your child to another agent then you have to compromise. A nursery has to have some standard polices so that they can deal properly with all the children they look after and not just one. In this case, potty train at home and pull-ups at nursery until the spring comes around.

WowOoo · 22/11/2010 13:22

I agree with Chil.

It won't harm your daughter to be in pull ups in nursery and try the potty at home until it gets warmer.

curlymama · 22/11/2010 13:23

I think they are being a bit unreasonable too. They don't do any potty training except in Summer - wtf??

Your child has indicated that she may be ready to start, and presumably this nursery supports child led activities.

Tell them you want to keep going and try it. Put her in pull ups if they insist, and ask them to let you know each day how it went.

If it really doesn't work, you can always give it another go over Christmas.

booyhoo · 22/11/2010 13:26

tbh, i would just go with them. are you madly keen to have her trained? if not i would just let them put her in pull ups and you do your thing at home. she will get it.

thisisyesterday · 22/11/2010 13:26

i want to agree with you madcow, but i do think Chil makes a good point.

while at nursery they are basically in loco parentis.
you presumably accept all the other "parenting" decisions they make for your child on a day to day basis?

I do think it would be unreasonable of them not to at least give it a go with her in pants tho, if she is fairly reliable.
I mean, winter is a long time and it does seem unfair to keep them in pull-ups the entire time if they're ready

go and have another chat with them about it.

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 22/11/2010 14:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on request of the poster.

purplepidjin · 22/11/2010 19:45

DNeph potty trained this summer. He was dry at home, but when I took him out for the day in July he was in nappies (which we ran out of - it was a long day - and I had to practically run 1/4 of a mile to the nearest portaloo!) He was reliable by the beginning of September.

RiverOfSleep · 22/11/2010 19:48

Could you compromise with pants and then pull ups on top? That way if there are any accidents nursery don't have quite the same urgency to deal with them as the wee wouldn't get through to outer clothes and your DD won't get as cold as she otherwise would

saffy85 · 22/11/2010 19:55

YANBU. Your DD has taken the initiative and decided she is ready to use the toilet. This is great! Smile

I dont understand the fuss myself. When DD decided she was ready we rocked up at nursery with a few extra changes of clothes and I told them she was now in pants. No problem at all.

ShanahansRevenge · 22/11/2010 19:59

It is a bother...butI have to say that both my DDS were well and truly trained by three and I never went down the road of awlays having hem in pants...I took both of them shopping etc in nappies...keeping the whole going to the toilet thing for at home.

When I was certain they would be ble to wait a little then I did the taking them out witout their nappies.

It wont undermine your training...they''re bright enough to put two and two together...nappies at nursery and not at home.

onceamai · 22/11/2010 20:15

Sorry I know mine are a bit older (15 and 11) but there are a few points I don't understand here:

  1. What exactly is an outdoor nursery, isn't there an indoors too?
  1. Surely you, along with other parents, pay the nursery and are therefore the customer. You as the customers therefore have a voice to influence practice and chose whether to send your children there don't you?
girliefriend · 22/11/2010 20:19

YANBU, that would really annoy me!! I would put her pants and say this is what we are doing - who are they to say otherwise?!! It is your decision IMO!!!

DirtyMartini · 22/11/2010 20:27

YANBU at all. It's your decision and your DD's -- they don't have control over her developmental milestones. V v weird.

DS has just started training as well, and his nursery has them outside all the time and they were delighted to hear he wanted to train. If anyone had suggested we wait six months I'd have been extremely Hmm.

As for pullups at nursery and pants at home, no thanks -- surely consistency is what's needed?

Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara · 22/11/2010 22:04

I agree with Onceamai; I too am intrigued to know what an outdoor nursery is. Like Onceamai says, you are the customer and it's your choice as to what goes on regarding your child.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/11/2010 22:15

I think you have to potty train when your child is ready. You are the parent. The job of the nursery is to care for your child when you are at work, not to make parenting decisions.They are not a co-parent. Therefore I think it is your right to decide and the nursery should support you. If I was sending my child to a nursery that wanted to make parental choices, I would be finding a new nursery.

loubielou31 · 22/11/2010 22:18

Again, would like to know what an outdoor nursery is.

My DD would have just treated pull ups like nappies too and so I think potty training would have taken much longer if we'd used them. (Just too confusing imo, sometimes it's okay to wee in my pants, sometimes it isn't.)

As someone else said presumably they have to take the children who are potty trained to the loo during the day, strip off the waterproofs etc (they don't insist that all children wear pull ups do they?) so surely your DD can go to the loo at the same time even if she hasn't asked to go.

Don't potty train in winter! FFS

Two other options could be keeping her out of nursery for a week so that you have 10 days or so to really try and crack it, or wait for the Christmas holidays? Although I'm not sure why you should.

IMO You're the parent so it's your decision when and how.

bruffin · 22/11/2010 22:31

DD burnt her hand badly when she was 2.3 and had to have a skin graft taken from the inside of her thigh. This was at christmas and I was going to see if she was ready over christmas. Because of the skin graft we were told not to start potty training for at least 6 weeks, however dd had different ideas and one day announced she wanted to use the toilet. The nursery she was at was more than happy to go along with it.

Brollyflower · 22/11/2010 22:37

The Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) that all nurseries are supposed to be following says the following about effective practise for children aged 16-26 months under "Health and bodily awareness":

"Support parents' routines with young children's toileting by having flexible routines and by encouraging children's efforts at independence."

See also here

Admittedly your child is older, but the whole thrust of the framework appears to be about supporting children's individual development and working with parents (amongst other things). It might be good to read up on it and use that to inform your discussion with the nursery? EYFS is being reviewed by the Govt, but as far as I know remains in place at present.

Rosebud05 · 22/11/2010 22:48

Agree wholeheartedly with posts about EYFS and individual child's needs.

One way forward might be to try to consolidate potty training during her next four consecutive days off nursery. If she's 'ready' (which it certainly sounds like), it's possible that she'll break the back of it in this amount of time.

My dd was also 'late' (2.10) out of nappies, mainly due to younger sibling arriving, I think. It was actually 'snow day' in January when, dressed in about 87 layers and making snowmen outside, she decided that she wanted to stop wearing nappies. It seems that their bladders are much bigger and stronger if they're closer to 3 rather than 2 years and she's barely had a handful of accidents.

good luck!

onceamai · 22/11/2010 23:11

Well looking at the timescales it's not exactly full on nursery. It sounds like 3 x 2 hours - which is an outing outdoors and you can do that for free!

MumNWLondon · 22/11/2010 23:22

Personally I have toilet trained at home and not at nursery, think its fairer on the child. If at nursery would wait for halfterm/xmas holiday or take week off work to do it to get a couple of weeks until they are quite trained. DD birthday in October - did it over xmas holidays, DS birthday May did it over the summer.

Think pull up are a bad idea and would not use when potty training only for long (>30 mins) car journey or night time because they feel like nappies when they wee, if they HAVE to wear nappies I'd push on using reuseables at least they feel wet in them.

Its only a month until Xmas when no doubt she'll have some time off so why not go along with the pull ups at nursery until then and then if she is reliable over the xmas holidays push for pants after?

TrappedinSuburbia · 22/11/2010 23:32

I trained ds over the christmas holidays, it was his decision (i'd tried before and he wasn't ready), my childminder fully supported whatever I was doing, I would be annoyed if she had tried to hold him back (but she's wonderful).

I did use pull ups if we were going out for any length of time/at night, but ds finally kept those dry as well and it didn't take that long. I supplied childminder with pull ups, but only very rarely used them if going to a place where she didn't know where toilets were, she really put the effort in as well, which is what I think your nursery should be doing,

What are they going to do if she asks to go to the toilet, would they not take her as she is wearing pull ups?

Original poster
madcow78 · 23/11/2010 12:06

Thanks for all your replies. I had a meeting at nursery this morning and although they did again say that it was against nursery policy to do it over the winter months they are happy to carry on as we've already started (quite glad I didn't consult them beforehand now!). I still think it's an odd policy for a nursery who seem so child-led in every other way (and the tagline is "organic childcare"). I stuck to my guns with the pull ups and they are willing to see how she gets on in pants this week and then re-assess at a meeting next week. Their concern seems to be her getting sore if she has lots of accidents but even if she doesn't make it to the toilet in time she'll tell them as soon as she's wet, she's quite an advanced (strongminded chatterbox) communicator! They do take all the trained or training children to the toilet/potty/composting toilet in the field regularly so hopefully she'll do ok. If not, as suggested, I'll go with pull ups at nursery and hopefully crack it over Christmas when she has two weeks off.

For those interested in the outdoor nursery concept these links might help:

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1533989/Risk-taking-nursery-a-breath-of-fresh-air.html

www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/education/article6168260.ece

DD1 loves it there, and DD2 breaks into a smile every time we arrive so hopefully that will continue when she starts in February. They do have indoor space (and toilets!) but spend the vast majority of time outside.

OP posts: