To feel really let down by birth partner?

[wintersnow]

My baby is due in 2 weeks and my stepmother was going to be my birth partner, she was there for the birth of DS and a great help so asked if she would be there this time too. Her and my father are seperated and I didn't ask her to be my birth partner as my step mother, rather my friend. This morning I received a text saying 'sorry things are really bad between your Dad and I so I don't think i can be invloved in the birth in any way, sorry about that'. Am pretty pissed off and upset, AIBU?

That's the problem with texting, isn't it? She didn't have the guts to pick up the phone to you, so doesn't know where you're coming from (i.e. that you asked her as a friend, and see her as such even if she's not with your dad), and you (presumably) haven't phoned her to ask what's going on in her mind. YANBU to feel let down, but you will be U if you don't call her now.

No YANBU....but perhaps they're having real issues? It was a crappy way to tell you...why don't you ask to meet her? Is it out of character for her to let you down?

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel hurt.
Maybe she is scared the bitterness between her and your father will spill over into the birth?
If you can meet up and reassure her that you value her friendship and can understand (if not agree, don't know back story) that things have ended with your father maybe she wil reconsider.
I hope you resolve this soon and can look forward to your new baby.

before you get mad at her, are you sure that your father has not said something to her about it?

Agree with Hecate. If I split from my husband I can imagine he wouldn't want me around at my stepdaughters birth (highly unlikely anyway as her mum is much closer to her). He would see it as pushing him out and would feel his daughter was choosing me over him. Irrational as few women would want a man not their partner or a health professional at the birth, but if they're getting divorced he'll be a bit emotional at the moment.
If you're close to her I'd phone her up.

I would chat to her tbh rather than messing about with texts. You will be able to find out the real reason why she has said what she has said. You may have the same outcome but at least if you both speak honestly it will clear the air and you will not feel resentful or bitter.

I agree with everything that have been said here so far, but would also like to add that you need to cut her some slack.

I understand were you are coming from, but I can also say that I have found my separation and divorce FAR MORE traumatic than giving birth, so please be kind to her... she is also going through a time were sensitivities run HIGH.

As per most advice on here I would ring her and talk it over.

Thanks guys, I'm going to call her

Good luck - let us know how it goes.

Good luck Will think of you today.

I have spoken to her and she says she just feels like she doesn't want to be involved because things are difficult between her and my dad, he hasn't said anything to put her off she just would rather distance herself from all of us. I do feel quite let down and I don't think I would have made the same decision if it were me but obviously it isn't and she has

I get that she's hurt, but I think this is a shoddy way to treat you. I think that when you marry someone with children, those children become part of your life for ever. It's a huge responsibility because those children are not her family by birth, but by choice. If she has been lucky enough to find love and acceptance from her DSC, then to bow out now is just wrong.

I think that you will never quite feel the same way about her again, and that is sad. She has lost something quite precious here.

karmabeliever I feel that way too, I think to ask someone to be a birth partner is a really big deal and I don't think I would bow out of it for the same reasons she has... She knows I really don't get on with my own mum. I suppose she is doing what feels right for her but I can't help but feel quite rejected, ah well, nevermind

Sorry you are feeling so sad wintersnow. Perhaps she is not thinking clearly at the moment and will see things differently in a little while.

Absolutely, I think she's having a pretty hard time and feels her decision is for the best, self preservation perhaps!

That's a real shame, wintersnow - it's good that you've spoken to her, though, and you most definitely are not BU to feel disappointed and sad about her decision. You've done the right thing, though, and I hope you find someone else to support you for the birth, and that it all goes well. x