To be experiencing a sense of disbelief about this comment by SIL

[Cleofartra]

over dinner tonight.

Was talking about classroom management (she's a practicing secondary school teacher and I used to be - I teach adults now). She commented that children who supposedly had ASD or ADHD were actually usually just 'horrible little shits' who had been badly parented, usually because the parents were out drinking/shagging and not giving their kids any attention.

This comment was made an hour after I mentioned that ds2, who's in year one, has suspected ASD and is due to see an ed.psych in the next few weeks to start working towards a diagnosis. This was only put to us this week, and although we had long suspected that things were not as they ought to be with him, I'm still in a bit of shock over it all.

My response to the comment was disbelief followed by 'well that'll be ds2 then, as he might have ASD and often needs one to one adult support in the classroom to manage his behaviour'. She replied 'oh well, that's different - if he's got 'medical needs'. And wandered out to make herself a cup of tea.

I'm back at home having to pinch myself to believe she really said that.

I wish I'd got angrier and challenged her more strongly.

Cleofartra....I hear you and I'm not talking about the majority of parents who try their best and get it wrong sometimes and right others. I am saying that unfortunately there really are parents that either don't give a crap or just for one reason don't know how to provide the basics for their kids. I am not saying they are "bad " people just that there parenting seriously contributes towards the behaviour of their children and whilst it's not fair to blame the kids for the circumstances they come from , someone has to deal with the outcome....and it's usually the teachers.

Colditz ... this is precisely what happens when terms such as ADHD gets over used and abused. Children such as yours, who have a genuine medical need get lumped with a whole group of others that don't and society ( often led by the media) doesn't distinguish between them.

at comments from "Professional" and educated teachers claiming that a diagnosis of either ASD or ADHD is just lazy parenting.

{Pulls out a soapbox and clears throat}

Most parents of a child with ASD end up spending so much time in appointments, assessments and therapy. Then what little time they have left is spent carrying out the therapies at home or maintaining diaries and various diets that eventually, more often than not, at least one parent is compelled to give up work to become a full-time carer. Many give up a healthy career or rewarding job and salary for a pitiful £300 per month carers allowance.

How on earth is this lazy parenting?

And please could somebody point to me the route to the stash of dosh that is seemingly doled out to these lazy slap-happy parents?

Yeah, where is the money?

You don't get extra money for having a child with ADHD and ASD, you get to spend money (on repairing and relacing broken things, and buying special equipment such as glowing clocks and cutlery)

as someone who has been through the ASD DX process, I find it very hard to believe that official diagnoses are given out willy nilly. Sorry your SIL was so insensitive Cleofratra, you need supportive people around you at this time, if she doesn't shape up then I think you will have to distance yourself a bit.

"I am saying that unfortunately there really are parents that either don't give a crap or just for one reason don't know how to provide the basics for their kids".

There are some children who may not have a behavioural problem on which you can put a medical label, but whose personalities make their behaviour difficult to manage at home and at school. These children don't just need 'the basics' - by which I mean affection, a stable home environment an adequate diet and a reasonable amount of attention, they need really resourceful, energetic, optimistic and strong parenting. The parents who get to the point of thinking 'I just don't know where to go or what to do next', the ones who run out of energy and optimism, whose self-esteem is on the floor from years of trying to cope with rude and defiant children - is it really fair to see them as 'crap'? and 'failures'?

As a teacher if you put me in a classroom with 30 difficult children, poor resources, and little emotional or professional support , I know I'd be very unlikely to do a good job. Yes - there probably are a few absolutely amazing teachers out there who could turn a situation like that around, but I'm not one of them. Doesn't make me a 'crap teacher', just as doing a poor job with a difficult child in difficult circumstances doesn't make someone a 'crap parent'

"I am not saying they are "bad " people just that there parenting seriously contributes towards the behaviour of their children"

Yes - no doubt. But understanding and empathising rather than moralising and judging is what we need. I feel my SIL has no empathy for the difficulties other parents face, and no sympathy either.

In my dozen or so years teaching I only ever encountered one student with a genuine (i.e. diagnosed and statemented with associated funding) diagnosis of ADHD. He was, actually, a lovely student and far better behaved than the vast majority of his classmates.

I've taught a few more ASD students. Again, lovely people by and large, with caring, committed parents. Actually, social interaction problems aside, I loved having ASD students as they generally had very interesting ways of approaching problems and could come out with truly elegant and original solutions. By and large they were a joy to teach. I used to be in class support for one student who, as well as ASD, had severe visual problems (I was there to write down stuff off the board and help him follow lines and graphs). He would bring a book for me to every session so I wouldn't get bored during the bits he needed no help with. How could you not love a student like that? [wistful emoticon]

Bad parenting, however, I encontered many, many times.

Cleo, sorry for being so blunt about the realities. (Had forgotten for a second what you are going through yourself).

Having spent a huge amount of time visiting schools, and also benefiting from some very wonderful teachers, I can say that most teachers seem to just want to achieve results and do what is best for the child (regardless of parenting skills). But I can also honnestly say that I hear at every school teachers telling me that they have "a number (usually more than 5 in high school) of pupils that clearly show autistic behaviours who do not yet have a diagnosis." Staff seem to be experiencing the opposite and actually struggle to get parents to put their child through the assessment process.

Not really lazy parenting there either, just a massive lack of emotional support for parents which leads to prolonged periods of denial.

Op, happily for us, but sadly for you, it seems that your SIL is in the minority. You could give her ignorance / stress the benefit of the doubt and ask her to read some well selected books on the subject and then explain that all your energies will be focussed on your own DS for the foreseable and you will not have any spare to constantly correct her. So she can then choose to either put up or shut up.

I wish you well and hope that you find comfort from meeting some of the wonderfully warm and caring parents and professionals that will cross your path.

Our family has had a long journey on the ASD trail and have come out stronger, richer (emotionally not in £££s) and happier for it. Though I worry for my sons future, I am blessed every day by his unique take on the world. Sadly we had to lose some so called friends and family along the way because of attitudes such as your sad SIL.

"In my dozen or so years teaching I only ever encountered one student with a genuine (i.e. diagnosed and statemented with associated funding) diagnosis of ADHD. He was, actually, a lovely student and far better behaved than the vast majority of his classmates".

That's nice to hear! My ds's teacher is wonderful - she adores him and finds him very interesting. She told me he's an engineer through and through!

"Our family has had a long journey on the ASD trail and have come out stronger, richer (emotionally not in £££s) and happier for it".

More of this please!

Meant to add - SIL is a bit of a cow-bag anyway. Didn't want to muddy the waters by referring to my previous threads bleating about how unkind she's been to me and my kids!

here

I find the hardest thing about having a child with SN (ASD) is the blame and the general lack of "belief in such things" from other people, especially family. Looking after my dds is a breeze by comparison.

Cleo she sounds like a total moo

Cleo. Teachers seem to be genuinely interested in ASD children, despite the lack of training time and funds available. You will probably find that they are happy to work WITH you and be guided by you. It is still the same "Mother knows best" approach as with mainstream children. You know best how your child will respond.

My own DS is actually very happy and proud to have ASD, (so long as nobody dares to refer to him as "disabled"). He manages repeatedly to amaze us with his incredible memory and numbers skills. Many of his school mates are in awe of this side of ASD and constantly try to figure it out themselves. All progress we once thought impossible.

Think there should be a new catchphrase for ASD children: "Not Daft, Just Different".

p.s. Siblings tend to grow up to be much more accepting and sympathetic. Unlike your SIL.

Tiki - couldn't have put it better myself.

Family reactions can be the best but are often horrendous.

DS has NEVER been to his cousins birthday parties. But he has been to LOTS of his classmates. Speaks volumes, doesn't it.