Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Inlaws.... (long one)

23 replies

JingleMum · 21/11/2010 18:59

i really don't think i'm being unreasonable, at all, so i guess it's more of a WWYD?

my OH is away on business, he's back on tuesday and he went last tuesday. my DD sees my inlaws once a week, they come to my home and take her out for a few hours. maybe once a month we will go to their house for dinner, and occassionally they will just call in to us if they are passing. this is all fine, works well.

since my OH has been away they haven't left me alone. FIL has been doing a bit of painting for us (paid work) so i understand he needs to be here, MIL has been coming with him. last week i popped out to the shops for a couple of hours and she had re aranged all of my kitchen cupboards, she said i needed to "utilise" my space. she hasn't created any more space, she has just moved things around. she asked me if she'd "overstepped the mark" through gritted teeth i told her that i knew she was only trying to help. the next day they turned back up. MIL started cooking something in my kitchen and FIL was looking through a bag of rubbish i was throwing out (old baby talc/moisturiser etc..) he told me not to to throw it out, i told him it was no good, he said it's a waste etc this went on for 10 mins until i told him it wasn't a big issue and i was throwing it out end of story (at this point i was moving all DD's toiletries into my bathroom cupboard) he then told me that he didn't like the way i had arranged DD's stuff and i should do it this way/that way, i told him it was my home and i'd arrange it the way i wanted to. it was left at that... apart from him constantly ringing me, seriously every day, asking me to get him a key cut for our house, he said the emergency one he has is stiff in our locks and he won't rest until he has another key??? i told him to see his son when he returns home as i didn't see what the big emergency was and i quite simply haven't got time to get him a key done.

anyway, they turned back up today, unnanounced. DD was alseep, FIL started painting something that needed finishing, MIL put something in the oven that she'd brought with her. i was very busy today and didn't need them here. when DD woke up, i bathed her, MIL tried to help me but i said to her "you should go home now, i've got alot to do and i need to get it done" she could see by my face i weren't too pleased and said to FIL "JingleMum wants us to go now" so off they went... as FIL is leaving he shouts into me "try and get that key sorted" i shouted back "speak to your son on tuesday"

i'm fucking pissed off, who do they think they are? my OH won't be happy about it either, he wouldn't appreciate it if it was my parent's doing this. i don't want to cause offence but i'm finding it hard to bite my tongue. he's going away in january again and i just know they'll think they can intefere again.

AIBU, WWYD?

sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 21/11/2010 19:02

Why do they have a key? Don't get another one cut. Are they letting themselves in?! If you are in the house when they come round can you dead lock it so they have to ring the bell?
I would rearrange the cupboards and tell your MIL that you prefer it the way you had it to begin with.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/11/2010 19:05

thanks for the reply, the key is for emergencys (or so i thought) he has probably been letting himself in to paint when we are both out and that's fine. but the painting is done now so i don't see why he needs another key?

OP posts:

bearcrumble · 21/11/2010 19:11

They are wildly overstepping the mark and you and your husband together ought to speak to them about it and tell them it has to stop.

You don't just turn up and rearrange someone's cupboards. I'd be furious.

Well done for standing up to FIL about the talc and stuff.

My mum used to come round and tidy/make my beds when I was out - I told her she had to stop doing it or I'd take my key back.

narkypuffin · 21/11/2010 19:12

Boundary issues. To be fair to your MIL she did ask if she had overstepped the mark by rearranging your kitchen cupboards. You had the chance to say something then.

I'd make it clear that it was too much and make sure that after the painting is done there's nothing that gives them an excuse to pop in on a daily basis. I'd also leave the deadlock on, and use the broken record trick if FIL tries to lecture you again- "It's my house and my choice," repeat as necessary.

It sounds like you usually have a good relationship with them and it would be a shame to jeapordise that over this. They sound like they're trying to help- even though it's OTT and deeply annoying.If you keep letting them irritate you in the end you'll probably lose your rag and say something you'll regret.

When you're calm enough and your DP is back, have a chat with them and mention how you spent ages putting things back the way you like them. Make sure that it's cleared up before January. Would having a friend/ family member around then help?

piscesmoon · 21/11/2010 19:14

Don't have a key cut. I would be out a lot and as they come just say 'sorry-must dash-you need to ring first'.

zipzap · 21/11/2010 20:48

Sounds like you need to get another key cut for January when your dh goes away - but getting the locks changed and a brand new key for you and dh, no chance of them having any sort of key for your house once the paint is done and dry

Is there anybody else with that you trust that you could leave a key with just in case you had an emergency? Other than that is there a good local locksmith that you can keep the number written in your car/diary/accessible from outside when you discover yourself locked out? (or might be something covered on AA/insurance etc) We have one that is significantly cheaper and more reliable than the big chains, we make sure we have his number to hand in case there is an emergency, thus don't need to have pil with access to keys!

Serendippy · 21/11/2010 20:52

Sounds like it was just bad timing with your FIL doing work for you while DH was away. They may have honestly thought they were being helpful. Don't get a key cut!

Adversecamber · 21/11/2010 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalonglegs · 21/11/2010 21:22

It doesn't sound as if they are interfering as such, simply that they think you must find it difficult without your partner there. They are trying to be helpful and, tbh, I think the way you spoke to them was quite rude. Lots of people are irritating but it's the intention behind it that should inform your reaction: are they trying to help and getting it wrong or are they trying to wind me up. They sound like they are doing the former so YAB a bit U.

knackered76 · 21/11/2010 21:27

My sil has this with our mil. They solved the problem by locking their internal door so although she could get in the front door she couldn't get any further . Don't get a key cut, give a spare to a friend incase of emergencies. Before dh goes away next time tell them in advance you don't need there help and smile sweetly (then get a chain fixed/locks changed) :)

knackered76 · 21/11/2010 21:28

Sorry, their help

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/11/2010 21:34

lalalonglegs - OH goes away quite regularly and they do this all the time, they know i can cope perfectly fine without him, their is no excuse, they know how it is. i certainly weren't rude, trust me. and i think if you re-read my post you will see that. no matter how helpful you are trying to be you don't re-arrange someones cupboards without permission. it's rude and disresepctful.

OP posts:

Nomorerain · 21/11/2010 21:37

YANBU. My IL's can be a bit like this too and because they live a few hours away from us they come and stay for a week at a time so I can sympathise.
I think you need to be firm but tactful and explain that while you appreciate their support, you need time to yourself/with your DD and that you prefer to do things your own way... and... thank you but I know I can call on you if I need your help etc. etc...

onceamai · 21/11/2010 21:37

When DH get home a few ground rules. They never, ever enter your home without your permission. Your MIL does not interfere in your cupboards without asking if you would like her to do x, y or z. And why on earth does your MIL think she can bring food, for them or for you and dd, without discussing arrangements first and then having the audacity to put it in your oven?

Do they generally have problems with boundaries? On the other hand, a couple of hours of free childcare and me space once a week.

AuntiePickleBottom · 21/11/2010 21:39

i don't mind MIL doing this she has an obseesion with all the soups in one place, all the beans together ect, but thats just me and mil asked if it was ok and i said yes.

you should of said something when she did this.

lalalonglegs · 21/11/2010 21:40

Saying "You should go home now" to someone who is trying to help you does come across as rude no matter how many times I read it . As I said, their intentions seem good; if they do it all the time, have you ever told them (politely) that you would prefer it if they didn't come around?

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 21/11/2010 21:44

I'd rather have the children full time and no interference.

YANBU

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/11/2010 21:47

all the replies so far

auntiepicklebottom - i agree, i should have said something at the time, i just thought she was trying to help in her own way and i didn't want to make a big deal out of it. that was day 1 though, they then turned up 3 days in a row afterwards.

lalalonglegs - i should have explained myself more clearly, i didn't say it how it sounded. it was more like "we're fine, i'm just gonna bath her and put her to bed, you go home now"

i love and care for them, but my god they have drove me insane this week. how do you get your point across without offending?

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/11/2010 21:47

*that should have read thanks for all the replies so far

OP posts:

SkyBluePearl · 21/11/2010 21:47

Can you lock the door and if they pop round just linger in the door and say you are busy right now but please come back the tuesday after next or something.

zipzap · 21/11/2010 21:55

and remember that next time you are at mil's house you need to rearrange her kitchen cupboards - tell her that you have tried her way and it doesn't work, it is much to difficult and that your system is so much better, makes life so much easier, so you are (very important this phrase!) following her example and helping her out by rearranging her kitchen cupboards

then see how often she does it back to you!

loubielou31 · 21/11/2010 21:58

To me it seems that they really are just trying to be helpful and have wrongly assumed that since you OH is away you might be feeling a bit lonely and in need of some extra help. I think you need to nicely say that you are just fine and although you like seeing them it's easier for you if the routine stays the same even when your OH is away.
There is a bit of me would love someone to come round and cook me tea and clean my house but the realistic side of me knows that life runs smoother when things continue as normal.

methsdrinker · 21/11/2010 23:00

They sound like the type of people who would rather do than talk.
I expect they feel guilty that their son goes away and leaves you with all the work so they try and help.
You need to arm yourself with things they can do for you. Cleaning out cupboards, hoovering under beds, cleaning windows, sorting out outgrown clothes that sort of thing. Preferably something small and easy but something you don't get round to.

They will feel that they have helped you and then won't do anything stupidly annoying(like start stripping the walls as they thought the wallpaper looked shabbby, yes really!!!! i hadn't even decided if I was going to get wallpaper.

You won't resent their help as interference. It worked for me. Although I still feel terribly guilty as I see my 74 year old FIL pushing a lawn mower round the garden.
I get a list ready and say I need to this and off they go like spinning dervishes. saves on the arguing, They are they type of people who always worked since they were 13 or so. They are incapable of sitting down and having a normal conversation. They have to do

Flip