to be a bit upset by this?

[LoudRowdyDuck]

A friend who's in the process of filling out an application for something I did a couple of years back asked if she could get some advice from me over coffee. I don't know her well and know she is quite shy.

As I wasn't sure what advice she wanted exactly I suggested she tell me what she was concerned about, and tell me how the application draft was shaping up. I had a go at suggesting a couple of people's names that might be useful, told her that I'd been advised to do x,y and z and they worked for me. She looked a bit unsure so I said 'oh, I'm sorry, I expect I'm being patronizing and this is all very obvious!' She said 'Yes, it is a bit patronizing, actually'.

I feel pretty bad about it, obviously (or I wouldn't still be thinking about it). Would you feel patronized by someone getting into specifics like that? I was very clear with her at the beginning that I wasn't sure I knew very much about it, so feel a bit hurt that she said she still wanted advice then reacted like that.

(And yes, I know the main unreasonable bit is me caring about it, but actually, I do!)

Depends, was the advice you gave BEFORE she told you what she was after or AFTER? If before, then yes, you were probably being a bit patronising, if after then I don't think you were. Perhaps she was just trying to save some face as she didn't have a clue what you were talking about???

Lives too short to get upset.

She was a bit unreasonable to ask for advice over coffee when she didn't know you well (hard to comment when not sure what applying for)...

But you are being a bit unreasonable to get so upset and then need to post here as well.

chit - I gave her the advice after she asked - in fact, she asked me out for coffee to discuss her application, I told her I didn't think I knew enough, and she asked again. That's why I was a bit hurt.

MumNW - I know I shouldn't be upset, but I was, unfortunately.

Just give her wrong advice for being un greatfull! You shouldn't be upset. You were being helpfull! X

Thanks.

she sounds socially inept.

even if she did think it was patrionising, she was a fanny for agreeing when you were doing her a favour.

fuck it though- not worth getting really pissed off about, just don't put yourself out for her again.

Well she's not going to get very far in life with that attitide is she! She was very silly to say it out loud even if she had been thinking it, when you were doing her a favour. Don't help the ungrateful bint again.

So she asked for advice, you gave her some and she told you it was patronizing?

I wouldn't be in a hurry to help her out again, ungrateful cow.

Thanks. I know it was a daft thread but I think I just needed a bit of MN tcl - I'm starting teaching next term and am a bit paranoid I'll be the one the students don't like!

*tlc, even. I have no idea what tcl is.

I agree with the pp's. She was being ungrateful. I honestly can't see what was patronising about what you said anyway.

It wasn't a daft thread....its not common to be told something like that by someone who has asked for your advice!

My DH often tells me I am patronizing...and I know I am...or at least I come over as such.

Maybe the woman is very insecure? Either way...she DOES sound socially inept...if I asked for help and someone met me to help...I would NEVER tell them they were patronizing even if they were!

In asking for help, you are putting yourself in the position of a pupil of sorts...and thus you ought to respect the giver of advice.

Bookcase - I suspect she felt it was patronizing because I got into specifics and she really just intended for me to say something like 'ooh, nice'. But I am not quite sure how I was meant to know that!

Shan - well, it is what AIBU is for in my book! The little things that niggle and you wouldn't talk to RL people about because they are trivial.

I do feel bad for making her feel patronized but at least now I will be really cautious with my actual students to not do that!

I think it was ill-mannered for her to agree with you that you were being patronising, as Shanahan says. She should have realised the intent (ie you wanting to help) and appreciated that.

Loud - I think you misinterpreted what Shanahan said in her last sentence : "In asking for help you are putting yourself in the position of pupil ...etc.etc"

That was referring to you friend, not you!

Yes, I thought that was what she meant jamie. I'm just concerned right now that I am going to start teaching and I really wouldn't want my students to feel patronized either.

I appreciated what Shan said, I hope that was clear.

I see. I don't think you should worry too much. This sounds like it is more abut her than you.

you sound sensitive to other's feelings which should make you a great teacher... try not to let her words get to you, she's probably going over the same thing just now thinking 'why did i say it was patrionising' etc etc

She asked for help and advice, you gave help and advice and then she bitched about it.

I'd say the problem is with her, not you. She ought to have been grateful that you were prepared to assist in the first place, given that you barely know her.

She sounds bonkers. Hope you told her that since she knows so much about it all, given that she's feeling patronized, she can bloody well get on with it by herself!

IME 'sorry I'm probably being a bit patronising' means 'I don't think you're stupid but I should make sure I cover even stuff that seems obvious to me as I'm not necessarily sure it is obvious and I want to make sure I help as much as possible' and in this context therefore her saying 'yes you are' means 'I have no understanding of the niceties of discourse and I'm also paranoid that people think I'm stupid AND I'm a rude cow'.

I hope she paid for coffee.

Is she shy or socially inept?

It's possible she hasn't got a clue of what you can and can't say to someone to have them still talking to you afterwards.

Even if she thought you were patronising in her head, other thoughts like 'it was really nice of Loud to go out of her way and to help me' and 'I only asked for X advice, and Loud has given me more info to help me with my application. Fantastic!' should have outweighed it and her trap should have stayed firmly shut.

You've got every right to feel upset, and to post it on here.

Thanks for comments.

Yes, I think she is shy, I don't know about socially inept (I just don't know her that well). I think it was a mis-communication - she'd asked me to give her advice but I think she meant more of a general 'please give me a morale boost, I'm nervous!'.

It is a little awkward because two years ago we did the same course, but if she gets what she applies for, she will be two years behind me by the time she starts. I think she probably hasn't stopped thinking of me as someone who's in the same boat whereas I was consciously thinking back to what it felt like when I applied.

Btw, unruly, that was certainly how I meant it. I just felt as if I was blathering on about some obvious stuff but wasn't sure what else to say.