I think I ABU and need some sense knocked into me

[Probablyjustconfused]

I just don't know where else this topic would fit so I'm posting it here...

I'm hoping you can give me a bit of perspective (but please don't flame me):

I'm 20 and still doing my degree
in a long distance relationship which will stay pretty much the same for next 4 years because of study (so it's not like any of this is in the cards for a while)

And yet I am constantly thinking about having kids and starting my own family. (Heck, I'm a member of mumsnet...) It feels like my degree and current life are just time-fillers until I get to an age where starting a family is seen as acceptable. Part of why I'm posting this is that it's crippling uncomfortable talking about this with anyone - friends, family, boyfriend - they worry I'll do something silly or they think it's a bit wierd and tell me so. I guess it feels like an obsession.

I know it's not helping me and I'm 'wishing away my youth' and it probably stems from a lack of a fulfilling relationship with my Mum, but the fact is I have these strong feelings and thoughts. And I know that I need to spend the next few years developing myself as a person - but I feel a huge daily frustration because it's like keeping a big secret and I wonder how I'll cope with this fixation until then.

Gosh, this has become a bit long.
I just want a bit of perspective - I feel all out of sorts and don't have anyone to talk openly about this with.

Totally normal to want something from life, normal to obsess if it's not on cards for a while. All normal - not much help but it's NOT weird or silly of you.

How do you picture having a family? What do you think it would be like? Nothing wrong with wanting it early in theory but sounds like practically speaking it isn't really an option for you. Are you aware of how much you give up when you have children?

I have very vivid mental images and scenes in my head and almost everything I think about seems to lead me to relating it to the imagined far future.

I'm just not sure if I can sustain myself through this waiting game.

If you're not happy in your current life, for example, then something radically different like having children etc. can seem very appealing. If your relationship with your mother has been difficult then it is tempting to think you'd do a much better job. FWIW obsession... whatever that obsession happens to be... if it's affecting your ability to function normally, is not a healthy thing in general.

The advice has to be 'live for today'.. make the most of your life as it is now so that when you eventually have your family you aren't looking back and regretting what you might have done instead.

It's perfectly natural to feel broody when you're young, and presumably healthy; it's kind of what we evolved to do, after all. But we also have lovely big brains, and can see the advantages to putting off child-rearing; getting your degree, getting settled and so on.

I suppose you could spend the next four years planning your fantasy family (How many? Boys or girls, or a mixture? In any particular order?) as long as you remain aware that however much you plan, it probably won't turn out like that.

(My DS1 was supposed to be a blue-eyed, black-haired girl. Well, he has blue eyes...)

Tinier - I know in theory that things change a lot but I have no personal experience of this, so no. And I'm sure my ideas are quite ideal when compared to reality.

In simple terms, I think it will be like having the people I love around me (instead of what seems to be a group of very manipulative and difficult relatives) and being more stable in general. As a student my situation feels so vulnerable.

You don't start a family to resolve your problems. Ideally, you start a family when you're happy in yourself, you're stable and have something to give them. Otherwise, the pressure of expectation on your children to fill that emotional gap can lead to all kinds of cracks. Children are not always instantly loveable.

Hmm, if your home life is particularly difficult, it would be wise of you to consider some form of therapy, before you get married and have kids, tbh. Becuase without that, it's quite likely that you would just repeat your current situation, or a variation on it.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, sorry ...

When I was your age (old lady emoticon) I hadn't yet formed my 'second family'; the friends who were with me through my 20s and 30s. Those people were just as significant in my life as my real family and I wonder if this is more what you need. Having children is wonderful but it brings a massive loss of freedom and I think at your age freedom and independence is important.

Well, YANBU to be thinking of having babies now - it's unusual to choose it at this age, but not unheard of.

We started TTC when I was 19, waited til after I'd finished A levels. I had a place at a top uni but like you I felt it was a time filler. I'm doing an OU degree while bringing up our 2 kids, and it is perfect for us - I didn't see why I had to join the rat race and do everything in the conventional order IYSWIM.

However.

You mention you feel uncomfortable talking to your boyfriend about it. Do you mean he doesn't want kids yet? It's the biggest decision you will ever make, you need to be on the same page. DH (though not married at the time) and I were always talking about our future family. If your boyfriend doesn't share your excitement you need a big rethink sorry :(

I'm exactly the same! except I'm 23 now. obviously try and enjoy your life and your studies, if you're at university are there social clubs you can join? I joined a music club and a poker club to give me something to do which took my mind off things.

Believe me i feel pretty strange too that all i seem to want in life is to have kids and i do everything else (school work etc.) primarily because that's what you do before you have kids. not a lot of advice to give except you're not the only person in the world that feels like this!

you ARE doing the right thing by having a career and a partner before you have kids, try to enjoy the journey as well as the destination, get a life so you can give it all up :)

Freudian-

My boyfriend does share my feelings - he feels very strongly about wanting these things in the future but the difference is he doesn't really think deeply about them now. Any conversations we have leave me feeling frustrated (my hopes are more vivid? We both know it won't be for another few years?)and for that reason we don't talk about it often/in depth.

However, I still feel tied now to do something which will potentially help me get into a moderately well-earning and fulfilling job. So it's just a big internal tug-of-war with how I feel vs what I know is better for me now.

NotQuite-

Actually I do have regular counselling and I'm really pleased that I managed to get a hold of some. And you're right, it is really easy to just repeat what you've experienced - which I definitely don't want to do. I do feel very aware of my flaws but I'm still developing the resources to work on them. Thanks for your advice about that.

Tinierclanger-

I think you're spot-on... Thank you for that.

Oh, I'm glad to hear you're getting some help, it can make a huge difference. I think it's understandable to be obsessed with an ideal future, particularly when your current circumstances are so unhappy.

I'm at the other end of the age
spectrum ..early forties... And struggling to have a baby .... If I have any advice, complete uni and then if u feel ready, start your family. Don't leave it until too much later in life.