To be totally freaking out!!!

[pinkcupcakefairy]

So I'm adopted and today I have discovered where my birth mother lives (which for the first 7 years of my life was only 14 miles away) and I have found her on facebook.

I am soo totally freaking out and can't seem to work out my feelings right now - despite the fact I started looking I wasn't expecting to find this out - who would have guessed that my maternal grandparents still live where they did when I was born AND that she would still be living in the house her husband (not my birth father) lived in when they got married.

I have always been very ambivalent about my feelings over this but do tend towards the angry side of the emotion spectrum when it comes to this - now I just don't know what to do with this info or how I feel.

If anyone out there has any advice I would be really grateful as I am sat here on my own with no-one to talk to and I feel like crap.

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds.

Sorry I don't have any adive but of course YANBU to be freaking out, it's a big discovery for you and must bring up a lot of feelings.

Hope someone comes along to offer you some advice soon.

YANBU I'm not sure that I can be very helpful but I would think the best thing to do at the moment would be nothing. I would give yourself a little time to process your thoughts and feelings and then make a decision on whether or not you want to make contact.

I have never been in you're situation, and cant even begin to comprehend what you are feeling.
If i were you i would sleep on it, see how you feel tomorrow(if you can) before acting/contacting/blocking her.
I can see why you would feel freaked out, you wouldn't really expect to track her down that easy. It must be strange!

Are you sure you need advice?

Every situation is unique and you might be better off just going through the options you think you have, on here if it helps to write it out, and that might help your work out what would be best for you to do.

You could always ring the samaritans just to chat about it if it helps you feel better. It's not nice having all these thoughts going through your head when you have no one to talk to, and they will happily listen to you. You really don't have to be suicidal to call!

Hope you are ok.

Hi pink - might be worth posting on the adopters board too as others on there are going through similar situations.

It might also be worth contacting NORCAP for some support and advice too.

Please don't beat yourself up for feeling angry - its such an emotional thing.

keep venting and posting here if its helping - we will just listen and help if we can.

Do you have contact with social services, someone who can counsel you?

Thanks for the replies.

It has actually been remarkable easy to find her - the internet is an incredibly useful tool. It hasn't all been at once, in fact in total I think its been 8 years but very on and off. First I got my adoption records etc. which gave me names, D.O.B. etc. Then last year my dad found her marriage and subsequent children using ancestry (sent of for birth & marrage certs to confirm).

In a moment of madness earlier this year I did a facebook search and found my half-siblings and discovered I went to the same uni and did the same course as one of them - serious freakout at that, not in the least because some of my friends demonstrated to them and another was in the same year and although not friends with, does know them.

Although I have had some counselling for this and got books to read etc. I have 2 overriding emotions - anger and unworthiness. I constantly wonder what was soo bad about me that she gave me away and can't really get past the feeling of 'if my own mother couldn't love me how will anyone else?' and an overwhelming anger towards her for rejecting me. I feel very much as though I need to be in total control of whatever happens next and feel that as she made the decision to give me away she has to deal with the consequences - i.e. me turning up and blowing her perfect little family life.

I know that in my current emotional state I cannot even begin the process of making contact as if I was to be rejected again I think I can safely say I wouldn't back off quietly, I would most likely make sure that all her family know about me and what she did etc. I know some people will be horrified at this and tell me I should consider her feelings to (I have been told this before) but that just makes me more angry - I had no say in what happened to me, it was her decision and there are consequences to that decision and I feel I have every right to do what makes me feel better and what is in my best interests not hers.

Sorry for venting but I have been holding this in for so long and I have no idea how to proceed. Also please forgive any mistakes as I am crying whilst typing and may have issed them.

pinkcupcake, are you having any counselling? Don't want to patronise you but these are huge issues you are dealing with and it's incredibly hard to do this on your own. If you go after her when you are feeling angry, I'm not sure the resulting scene will help you. It's entirely reasonable to feel angry, but acting on it is something that needs careful thought and it's incredibly difficult to do that on your own.

It sounds to me that what you are feeling is totally natural.

Do you know of the circumstances surrounding your adoption? The local authority which holds your file have a duty to provide support for you and they might be a good starting point.

I think that people who are adopted do have a need for control. My DS is adopted and see that very much in him. I don't think you are in a place at the moment to consider her feelings and thats ok. Honestly.

Maybe right now you don't need to proceed much? Is is just enough to live with it for a while and see what evolves?

Please please please don't feel unworthy. You were a child who these things happened too and you had no choice.

pinkcupcake...hope you're ok. Just want to respond. Please post in adoption cos someone may know an organisation you can talk to about this. So glad your Dad has helped you. Can you talk to him about it? I'm sure the anger is v normal, it's certainly what I'd feel. Sounds like you've one at this slowly, but surely, and dealyt with each bit of new info as it came along. Will take a while for this to sink in. It's exciting too...I hope it works out in really amazing ways and you will look back and wonder at the pain you've been through, like childbirth.

I agree with edam Take your time, get some counselling. This would be huge for anyone to deal with. Don't rush in. Look after yourself and make sure you have lots of support around you before you make any decisions. Good luck!

Are you in contact with your half-siblings ?

Do you know if they are in contact with her ?

Is there anyone who could act as a go-between in the first instance, if you felt that would help ?

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind in their responses - I will post in the adoption section and I have been thinking about going back to counselling, except as always in my life now is not a good time.

I do have my adoption file and the circumstances were that her mother knew but she didn't feel able to tell her father and didn't want to lose her relationship with him. She was 23 when she had me, so not the too young to cope story (IMO). I find it really difficult to accept that she chose to give up a relationshp with her child rather than risk her relationship with her father.

I think I am decided that I won't be trying to make contact at the moment as there are things I need to sort out and change in order to feel that I am capable of meeting her without risking feeling worse than I do know.

Thanks again for the kind replies

That sounds like a good plan for now pink. Please think about contacting NORCAP too - if you google them their web site is good as well.

Take care.

What a horrible amount of information to have to deal with, I really feel for you. On the one hand you want to rage at your mother for giving you away and I can 100% understand this. On the other, she gave you life, when many would have chosen another way out. She fought for you in that respect. Perhaps the struggle to bring you safely into the world left her with nothing more to give . I assume that she had an affair and possibly her marriage and stability for her other children depended on you not being a part of her life?

You are right to give it time to come to terms with recent revelations before contacting her. Good luck and I hope you find a way through this hard time.

Just read your last post, sorry I had misunderstood. xx

It sounds like you are making the right descision not to make contact for now, and the advice others have given about going to agencies that could help you is good. There will be people that deal with situations simelar to yours all the time, so you may as well give them a try to see if they suit you and can help.

You are doing very well in being able to recognise some of the feelings that you are experiencing. You have every right to feel angry at your birth mother, and you are completely justified in feeling the way you do towards her. Put yourself first, you don't need to be worrying about anyone else that could be involved in this, and nor shouldyou have to.

If it's not a good time in your life to go to councelling, then really do think about the samaritans service. Sorry if you think I'm going on about it, but I do know that it can help when you have lots of strong emotions going round. The beauty of their service is that it's available whenever you want to have a rant and sort your head out a bit, and you don't have to stick to allocated time slots as with councelling. And of course it's completely non judgemental and confidential. Just so you know it's there if you fancy it

I really hope things work out for you.

Again thanks for the replies.

I truly appreciate everyones take and thoughts on this and know I am giving info very slowly - there's far too much to get out in one go.

In reponse to the last few posts - she was in a relationship with my birth father at the time and contrary to what seems to have been the norm my notes state that the adoption agency where actively encouraging her to reconsider, believing it is best for the child to be with its mother but it was her reluctance to tell her father she was pregnant which was the main issue and although I know a document from getting on for 30 years ago which only has the social workers comments on it, my records do seem to indicate that it was her own interests rather than mine which were at the forefront. This probably explains my anger and huge feelings of rejection given its not the 'typical' adoption scenario.

Is it possible that her father would have beat her to within an inch of her life if he had found out? maybe this was her only way of keeping you both safe?

Halftermhero - I'd never thought of that, that is the first time I've been given a possible explanation which I can sympathize with. I obviously don't know the full circumstances.

I do tend to be a 'worst case scenario' kind of person, so I tend to think of the worst possible outcome and my reaction to it - hence my feelings of wanting to 'out' her and ruin her life if sshe were to reject me again - allow this would only be if she refuses to acknowledge me at all.

Hello Pink, I'm adopted, I found my birth mother over 20 years ago through a church organisation who originally arranged the adoption. She doesn't live in the UK so I couldn't just go round there, and the church counsellors rang her first and she said she'd be prepared to exchange letters. Did that for a year or so, then she started getting worried, supposed I'd raise the fare and turn up on her doorstep. I sent her my new address and pictures of my children, said look I don't want letters from you saying you feel uncomfortable, let's leave it, let me know if you ever change your mind. But frankly I am not sure I am bothered now. My two half siblings are quite well known in their own professions and I can google them, find out where they are and see their photos. I find that strangely comforting.

If you ring these people, they'll go through your options, talk about using an intermediary for contact etc. Good luck with it all www.baaf.org.uk

((HUG))

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, only in that my godson is adopted and we talk a lot about his birth parents and their decision etc (he's and adult now and they live near him, have other kids older & younger than him and don't want anything to do with him - so it's very hard for him to come to terms with).

I do think though, that one thing you have to remember is that your birth mother didn't reject you, she 'rejected' the role of being a Mother. This wasn't about you - you mustn't take it personally because she didn't know you. Does that make any sense?

I think you have made a very wise decision not to contact her yet. Please talk to the people who can help you x