To suggest xmas arrival and departure days for in laws?

[MuffinMouse]

In laws stay for xmas every year. (Not my choice). We dont get on brilliantly, but I try hard. They usually stay for three days, 2 nights. This year they have invited themselves for xmas again, and want to stay for longer this year as they are miffed that they dont see the grandkids enough. (We are visiting them this weekend to pacify and it 2.5 hr drive each way).

I've asked DH to let them know every year when we will 'be at home to welcome visitors'. But he's not great at it. AIBU to set a time frame, as this is how I cope with them? (I have been pushed to four days previously and was seriously frazzled. I can't make an effort for that long).

I am pregnant with two young children. (DH has two siblings; one abroad, and the other keeps his distance). I am not prepared to do the negotiating for DH as I think they see me as 'the problem'. They have an 'open door policy' for all friends who want to stay, and expect us to do the same. AIBU?

Pooter Poor you

Muffin YANBU in asking for set days. And I would definately agree with Dragontattoo's advice.

Use the pregnancy trump card and if necessary say that your Doctor has advised you not to overdo it so you are merely following orders by only having them for a couple of days. Even better if they hear that from DH, but if he's stalling then just tell them yourself.

You have said that your mum joins you for Christmas Day and moved to be nearby so i'm assuming she has a good relationship with you/her grandchildren. If your PIL's do outstay their welcome I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to go and visit her for the day and take your DC with you. Your DH can spent some quality time with his own parents. If you don't want to take your DC as think it would cause bad blood, just take yourself to your mum's for the day instead and then see if DH is so willing for an openhouse next time.

I'm very much withStayFrosty gobsmacking (not just for OP, but pooter situation)

It's a blinking cheek to arrive unannounced but then to be so selfish as to stay 9 days is !&*^%$£ unbelievable !

YANBU. We always set time frames for PIL otherwise they linger like a bad smell :) We do it in terms of meal planning - "will you be heading off after lunch on Monday or do you plan to stay for dinner" kind of coversations.

Of course you should set a time frame.

And imo stop seeing them every Christmas-don´t you ever want it to be just the 4 of you?

What you need to do is say to DH that you would like a quiet family Christmas this year and that he needs to tell his mother that. Don't make it anything negative to do with her, make it about your little family, you want a quiet Christmas with them, not that you don't want her around.

I would make the effort to see them a week or so before Christmas for the weekend.

Seriously, why do they get to have the Christmas that they want every year? When do you get to have the Christmas that you want? Never?

I have done the same this year, said no.

I feel your pain muffin - my ILs live about 6hrs away so we don't see them too often. We're both teachers though so they often come at school holidays and have set a habit of coming to see us (or us going to see them) every blinking holiday time we get - so finally put my foot down at Oct half-term and said they couldn't come as we needed family time for ourselves . Actually got DH to do it, which was hard for him.

They're coming after Christmas this year, but I am also pg with two DCs (due in Jan) and have said they can't stay for too long. DH still plucking up the courage to tell them how long for exactly!! :o

We too set a time frame - completely necessary! I also agree with diddl, you need to have a break one year so you're not expected every year. Ours is this year and we're having friends over for a change, after hosting for 13 family members last year. Which was fun because no one outstayed their welcome! But DH is v good at setting boundaries with in laws - can he give your DH some tips??

I really feel for you - for Xmas with in laws, you really need a drink!! I have managed to avoid ever being pg at Xmas!

If he can't tell the truth, can he lie and say you have friends coming to stay?

OMG 9 days and 4 weeks!!!!! I feel your pain.

Mine once came for 3 weeks and when asked when they were thinking of leaving we had the tears and tantrums from MIL too! It got to the stage where I considerd sticking pins in my eyes purely for the fun factor!

We are at a kind of stalemate these days. We now live 2.5 hours away from them (not the 8 hours we did). We have tried to encourage day trips as we want to avoid them actually staying here in the house ever again, but in all fairness at the age they are now 5 hours driving in one day is a bit much. We suggest a local B&B but so far they have made lots of excuses as to why this is not good enough. They insist we visit them which means we can choose the time limits although they moan "its not worth it" but they do tend to lock us in the house and hide the key forcing us to ask to be let out - even to the car to look for something .

Sorry to hijack - You need to nip this is the bud. If they stay longer this Xmas they will expect it every year. You really need to try and get your DH to speak to them tactfully but if he is anything like my DH thats probably a lost cause. I have in the past written down dates and whats happening when for DH - so when he calls them he can look at the "itinery" and has the excuse reason there right infront of him as to why they cannot arrive on a certain date.

Make a Christmas itinery even if it is slightly fabricated or you have to make arrangements to put the inlaws off. I have used this method. In previous years I have booked tickets just for the 4 of us (not the ILS) for the Panto, arranged to take the kids out to xyz and booked a table somewhere so the ILS will be sat at our house alone if they insist in coming 2weeks 2 days earlier than invited etc. I told them no more tickets for panto available and restaurant too full to add 2 more seats at table. I have lied blatently and said we have been invited to friends for the day and already RSVPd when infact we have not! Just be savvy enough not to answer the phone to them if they do go home intime for these fabricated engagements and they call to check up say thank you for their visit.

It's incredibly insensitive of anyone to land themselves on people for lengths of time that suit them and not you.

Very hard work for the hosts unless ones has staff and a huge house, to saynothing of the lack of privacy.

I wouldn't have anyone longer than 3 nights, however muchIi love then.

When I was growing up, my mother had a friend who went skiing with her family over Xmas every year.

They started doing this because of a situation exactly like teh OPs.

YeahBut - can understand 4 weeks with plenty of notice, but I think the PILs getting non-refundable tickets is tempting fate - they know you can hardly say "s*d off, you cannot visit"
(however tempting !)
:)

If they knew of your parents coming for 4 weeks it would be even more awkward unless there had been arrangements (say to stay in a holiday cottage which sleeps X, not Y, for a week or two, ie taking your parents but no room for PIL.

There must have been a fair degree of awkwardness and lots of planning to cope with trips out when you have extra people unexpectedly. Has your DH been told it must never happen again! ?

PS Were the PILs with you for long ?

why not invite your self to there home for xmas...then you can leave when you want to

YANBU - do tell your DH to grow a pair and think of his pg wife first!
How pg will you be by then? not that it matters particularly because you shouldn't be put under undue stress at any stage of your pg, not really.

I am very lucky in that I only have MIL to worry about - and now we have moved to be in the same country as her, she is only 15mins down the road so this situation is never going to arise. However, I had her with me for 6w over the period of DS's birth - invited - and that was hard enough. And she's not a difficult houseguest! But you need to be able to kick back sometimes and not worry about having to deal with extra people in the house, especially those who seem to think they're entitled to be entertained!

Tell your DH to tell them that you have other plans for the extra days and cannot possibly accommodate them. If necessary, make up a friend who is coming to stay (not the best idea but still, any port in a storm)

Pooter - I'd be telling them it's time they went now - regardless of emotional blackmail. I can't be doing with grown adults behaving like 4yos.

and as for the PILs booking for the same 4 weeks as the parents - they'd have been sent to a B&B/hotel if it had happened to me, no question. [hard bitch emoticon]

You must set a time frame before habits set in. If they are travelling a very long distance (mine are 240 miles away and won't drive that far nowadays), I would say arrive 23rd December and leave 27th or 28th. Get's tricky this year when Xmas is over a weekend - is that perhaps why they might want to stay longer this year?

What, with hindsight, I wish I'd done nearly 20 years ago was to insist they help more, when they are here rather than just being relieved there was someone to take the DC to the park. Mine regrettably (although FIL died 2008) ended up expecting to be waited on hand and foot complete with complex dietary likes and dislikes. MIL even referred to her stays as her little holidays - even when I returned to work full time when both dc were at school.

Wouldn't have them ( house isn't big enough anyway) but the only reason I'm still talking to my outlaws is that I never have to spend more than 8 hours at a time with them. Do they have to stay with you? Isn't there a bed and breakfast they could stay in and then visit during the day over Christmas?

I think a problem in all of this is that your mum sees you every christmas so your husband thinks his parents should also.

Does no one have anywhere else to go?

YANBU. I tell DH to tell his parents when to arrive and when to leave. They were taking the piss arriving at 7am (to miss the traffic) so he had to tell them it wasn't convenient and they could only come after lunch on day one and then leave again after lunch on day three. Any longer and I would be killing my MIL ...

On a slightly different note, we have a 3 year Christmas rota. One year with my parents, one with the PIL and one on our own. It works well in that everyone knows where they stand and we have a year to ourselves too. PIL live 45mins away and my parents are 3.5hrs. We do only see PIL on Christmas Day on the year we're with them, we don't see them on our year even though they're close enough to pop along. This keeps it fair.

I wonder whether it is because your mum is so close by that they do want to stay longer. Personally, I'd trade a few shorter visits during the year to enable a guilt-free shorter visit at Christmas.

But definitely get DH to tell them the dates they can stay. If he won't/can't, do it yourself. Better to be seen as an ogre but have a relaxing Christmas than say nothing and be stressed out and annoyed.

Something I do wonder about these parents who visit every year for Christmas-did their own parents also visit every year for Christmas?

I sympathise, because my mother does this. I had to have it out with her eventually, and I did get cross when she pulled the 'Oh, if we're not welcome...' card.

I think it is worth grasping the nettle. Can you just explain to your in-laws that you aren't doing open house, you need to plan? You can make very clear they are welcome and you'd like more visits, but for each one to be planned so you've got an arrival and a leaving date. Then whip out a calendar.

I've yet to pin my mother down about this Xmas, and when we speak she will expect to just tell me the dates rather than discuss it with me, so I may have to run a refresher course on Treating Your Children Like Adults and Not Being A Nightmare.