Is DH bu to think that sleep problems can be fixed?

[ohrubbish]

Obviously young babies wake loads in the night - it's what they do. My DD is one and still wakes about 4 times a night. She is breastfed and I am trying to stop feeding her at night. Anyway, my DH is convinced that the reason she does not sleep is that we are doing something wrong and that if we can just find the right approach we can fix it. I'm not so sure - we've tried the no-cry sleep solutions, Gina, baby whisperer etc and there's no real difference. We haven't been too hard core about anything involving crying and my DH thinks we should just stop going in to her room at all. I don't feel able to do this. To complicate matters my DD will not settle for anyone but me so my DH and I have an agreement where I do all the night wakes and he takes her in the morning. This means that when he says that we are doing it wrong, I feel that really it's me, I'm doing it wrong. This is all rather garbled - but in short:
Is DH unreasonable to think that sleep problems in older babies can be fixed if you just try enough things or do you just need to wait for them to out grow it?
If you happen to know the fix I would love to hear it!!

thestir.cafemom.com/baby/112381/everything_you_know_about_sleeping

We're still waiting at 3 years old and it's not for want of trying to fix it! Won't do CC though, but considering rapid return in a few months. Do you cosleep, does she wake him, and do you complain about her wakefulness? Because depending on the answers to those questions I can tell you how to shut him up!

DH is not BU. I agree that young babies have to be left to it, but over 1 (most, barring special circumstances) children can be taught to self settle and do not need nutrition. They can gain comfort from a thumb, teddy or other item. If you are happy to get up in the night to comfort feed your DD or to cuddle her back to sleep then it is not a problem, but after a year many people look for a less parent-focused settling routine.

My DD is 11.5 months and still wakes twice a night. One time she settles herself, the other time she needs us to help her. She has been 'Baby Whisperer'ed since birth, so has a tested system of 'fixing her' helped and would she have been worse without it? God knows.

I've asked a lot of people to be honest about their LO's sleep habits and it seems this is the norm rather than the exception, which was gutting to hear! Even Gina Ford babies still wake up at night, they just don't expect you to help them back to sleep.

They all do grow out of it eventually (again as far as I can tell) but my mum said that none of us (me and my 2 brothers) slept a full night until we were over two years old

CIO/CC etc does seem to work, again as far as I can tell, but requires a tough attitude and you have to be very focused for the 3-7 days it takes to work. I haven't the heart and am just hoping she'll sleep better when older.

Sorry not to be more helpful!

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable. I agree with Serendippy.

They can be fixed to a certain extent, but not for good. My DS is now 17 months and, since we stopped going in to him every time he wakes, he has learned to sleep through - sometimes.

There'll always be something to put a spanner in the works though: teething, clocks changing, a cold. Currently he has taken to waking at 1am and only settling in our bed. This is because we brought him in with us last week when he was feeling very poorly with a virus. We'll probably have to go back a step or two to get it back on track again.

Many parents prefer to let babies grow out of it on their own and I don't blame them. It's not easy, ignoring your baby when he's crying out for you in the night.

I did CC but I never ignored my son crying

I didn't mean ignoring totally. I would never do that. I meant for minutes at a time.

yy ruby

All of us wake or stir in the night. At a certain age many children need a bit of help to self-settle.

Four times a night, every night, does sound like rather a lot of times to be waking up at 1 year old. Took me a while to understand the difference between 'crying' i.e. distressed and 'making a noise'. If it's the latter, check they're OK briefly but don't make a fuss of them. Second the idea of a plenty to solid food to eat before bedtime.... Good luck

my ds is 7 months old and was still waking 3-4 times a night for a feed and would only settle at the breast. We used a sleep consultant who helped us eliminate night feeds all together. We decreased the time he was on the breast by a minute each night. Also dh would do an expressed feed.

He still wakes in the night and sometimes self-settles after a small period of crying, about 3 mins or sometimes he needs us to settle him with a dummy if he is teething or sick.

For me to was easier to accept night wakings if my dh could settle him and if he wasn't feeding. Also the sleep consultant gave us rules to follow when he did wake. Having a 'plan' helped me, must be the control freak in me. I'm not too concerned with him 'sleeping through the night' regularly as babies are unpredictable I think. And he has just started teething.

We didn't use controlled crying or cry it out and i did bits from the no-cry book but that only took me so far.

I think they can be fixed unless they can't be By which I mean, if you try the normal routes and they don't work then you can do no more really; my ds has had lots of problems getting off to sleep and still does at 8 years old; doesn't want to be left really even now, and often isn't asleep before 10pm even with the best bedtime routine.
He has dyslexia/dyspraxia type issues and over the years from talking to other parents of kids like this I have realised this is a very common feature of their difficulties
Processing sleep is a complex emotional, physical and mental thing and it is perfectly possible that there is an underlying reason that your child wakes etc.

My mum stopped me waking in the night by simply not coming into me for two nights; by the third I didn't cry again and slept through from then on.

If it doesn't work over a long period then there's likely to be a good reason why imo and the only thing you can do is meet your child's needs in that area.

I think its so important for kids to learn to sleep well - will carry through for years and will leave everyone feeling more refreshed. I do think your DH is right. By one year most babies are sleeping through with the odd exception of when they are ill or teething. 4 times a night must be really exhausting for you all. Both my tiny weenie new born BF babies woke this much in the first few months of their lives but then were sleeping 10 till 6 by 4 and 6 months. Most babies are able to go through at 6 months - in terms of not needing food that is. I think your daughter will just be in the habbit of waking up more than anything and isn't really hungry. I think you need to choose one sleep method and really use it properly to get results. Maybe you should spend a few nights away at your mums/friends and let your DH work it all out as he seems quite sensible.

I agree with your DH but it depends what measures you are prepared to take. It could be argued that if you are unprepared to do CC or ignore the crying and you have tried everything else within reason then you must accept that you are stuck with the unsettled nights.

DD2 screamed virtually through the night until she was 15 and a half months old, waking an average 8 times per night... and I do mean screamed.

It finally stopped when I left her to it. It took 3 nights of being ignored before she slept without waking to scream for 6 hours solid. I have no regrets whatsoever about having left her to scream and I think that such an experience, although I appreciate that it may be viewed as extreme to some, proves your husband right.

** Sorry, I meant that DD finally slept for 6 hours solid having been left to scream.

I think you can take action to encourage your little one to sleep for longer stretches. DS is 13 months and wakes up once a night, more if ill/teething/cold. He has slept through for 12 hours but not often!

When he was younger, we used to go in quickly if he woke as he rapidly got more upset. Now we give him a minute or two to resettle himself and he does a lot of the time. The one thing that really helped was turning the monitor down! So we'd only hear him if he kicked off as opposed to gently sleep cries which he sometimes does at the end of a sleep cycle.

He can self settle and I try and get him too - from about 6 months he started showing signs of doing it. Now I'll feed him, he might fall asleep, he might not. If he doesn't, I cuddle and put him down on his front and lay a hand on him. Sometimes I can step away and he'll happily drift off. Other times he wont - usually if he has a bit of wind.

I think you need to talk to your DH about feeling like you're to blame.

You should also try and get your DD to self settle at the start of the night - just give her a chance - feed, wind, cuddle and put in cot with a comforter and say "night night sleep time". Might work, might not. You may well be surprised. Also to cut out the night feeds, reduce the time feeding her and resettle her without the boob.

Thanks for all the advice! It is really useful. We aren't co-sleeping and she settles well at the beginning of the night. I'm just not sure that I have what it takes to CC. This thread is helping me to realise that I probably do need to be more consistent in my approach though and maybe go in less.

I forgot that we turned our monitor down! it worked wonders for us too.