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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to scream at this mother?

47 replies

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:04

A bit of background: ds (7) has problems integrating with his peers. We thought he might have an ASD but when assessed by an Ed Psych in June the conclusion was that he is about 7 years ahead of his peer group and his difficulties stem from that. We have worked with the school for 3 years to help ds. The school are quite clear that he is not an agressive child, just loud, and are aware that he has become the class scape-goat and is frequently picked on by other children (although he can stick up for himself).

The current issue is that there is a very "growm up" girl in his class. She made lots of comments to ds that he was just not able to deal with. As far as I (and the school) am aware, he called her names and she called him names and they mutually dislike each other. The girl also said pretty unpleasant things to my younger dd. This was all in the last school year, now they ignore each other.

It turns out that since, on several occassions, the girl's mother has made excuses to come into school and has waited for ds in corridors to tell him off and has called him "horrid boy" and "bully" and similar. On the last occassion she did it in front of many of his class mates and they told me about it. There is no suggestion (even by the mother) that at any time that ds did anything other than call the girl names.

Clearly I have told the school and they have talked to her and she admits it and sees nothing wrong with it. I am so angry I could cry - we have spent so long trying to help ds fit in and I feel like she has just undermined it all. I really do want to scream at her.

Am I over-reacting or am I being reasonable?

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 18/11/2010 11:06

Is your DS still calling this girl names?

MiasmARGGG · 18/11/2010 11:09

If another parent was abusing one of my dc on school premises I'd demand that she be banned from the grounds.

( and I'd want to knock her lights out! )

Miggsie · 18/11/2010 11:09

This mother is clearly awful and you can see where the daughter gets it from.

I suggest that if the school can't keep her out, that you arm your son with several phrases he can say to this woman: "I am not interested in your opinion", "you are talking rubbish" or "you came in just to say that to me, did you?" and then turn his back on her and walk away.

The other alternative is for him to learn not to react or care. Bullies never pick on someone who doesn't react or who stands up for themselves.

MiasmARGGG · 18/11/2010 11:09

Calling one of my dc names

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:10

No - nothing has happened between them since last year - even her mother is clear on that point.

The school were aware last year that they did not like each other but there take on it was that each was equally responsible and the girl probably started it.

OP posts:

Olympickney · 18/11/2010 11:12

The school need to come down harder on her. It isn't acceptable for her to come on to school premises and harangue your child, no matter what he has done. If she is unhappy with your son's behaviour towards her DD, she should be taking it up with the teacher or Head, not calling a 7 yr old names in the corridor.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:13

Ds has been told to tell her that she is not allowed to talk to him and that if she has anything to say she should talk to the teachers or the head.

The school office have been told not to let her in as she had been making excuses to come and lurk in wait for him at play time etc when they were getting their coats.

I know the school have done what they can, but it doesn't make me feel better. I want to scream at her like a fish wife!

OP posts:

2shoes · 18/11/2010 11:15

yanbu I would be furious
complain to the school, she should be banned from the premises

fedupofnamechanging · 18/11/2010 11:16

You need to make the school ban her from the premesis.I would threaten to call the police, as this is an adult bullying a child and the school have failed to protect your DC. They have a duty of care and if they can't deal with situations properly, then you need an outside authority to do it for them.

I would make an appt with the head and give them one last opprotunity to resolve this, before making more formal complaints.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:17

Miggsie - that is one of ds's problems, he does react and care very much. He broods on what people say to him and then cries himself to sleep at night about it. That is part of why I find what she has done so unforgiveable.

I have no idea what ds said to her daughter as I only really have his side of the story and am perfectly prepared to accept that he should be in trouble if it went beyond normal childish disputes. However the schoolare adamanant that it did not - having had the benefit of both sides of the story.

OP posts:

alicet · 18/11/2010 11:18

I don't think you would help the situation to scream at her tbh.

What i would do though is go up to her at drop off / pick up when the children are not there and say very clearly without raising your voice something along the lines of 'If you EVER dare to intimidate or bully my child again then you will have me to answer to.' Then walk away.

This probably isn't helping either but there is no way I would be able to say nothing

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:21

I won't really scream at her, although I do believe that she might come up to me and say something (I have not so far seen her), in which case I am not sure how I will react.

Would you really say something to her? Might that not make things worse?

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MJB66 · 18/11/2010 11:22

We had one like that, in school every day, because of her precious children were not treated how she thought they should be treated, having a go at her childrens 'friends', having 'words' with said childrens parents,
thank god her youngest has gone up to secondary and she no longer stands out side the school gates blowing smoke at people.
Loon.

WowOoo · 18/11/2010 11:23

Also, have you explained to ds that there is a time and a place for ignoring silly rude adults who should know better?

Tell him to not eeven LOOK at her and then tell a teacher that this lady was rude to him and ask what should he do? It's antagonistic and unfair on everyone.

Good luck.

Miggsie · 18/11/2010 11:23

Goosey...DD got picked on at school as she used to cry and wail and the nasty girl just latched onto her, as giving a good reaction.

DH worked with DD to moderate her responses, not to cry, we told her it was ok to be upset and angry but not to show it to the nasty child by crying. It took a while and we got her the "queen bees and wannabees" book which helped her sort through it in her mind (DD is very ahead for her age too) and she has learned not to flip out when she is picked on.

It is a very hard and difficult lesson for a child but DH is a firm believer in not reacting to bullies, which is why he hever got picked on at school after the age of 11 or so.

2 years on and the nasty girl is making friends with DD!!!! DD is quite cool about the whole thing, but being quite kindly has cut the other girl some slack. They went through a long "stand off" period but it all turned out ok. But what a trial it was.

Miggsie · 18/11/2010 11:24

...and I'd want to lamp the mum as well, but being a civilised sort, I just day dream those sort of things...

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:27

Thanks Miggsie, its good to hear of positive outcomes. We too have spent timme with ds trying to go through how he should react in specific situations and how not to react. We have made real progress in the last 6 months and ds is happier and then this sill tart comes along and spoils it all!!

You are right though, we have to deal with what we can change which is ds no her.

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DamselInDisgrace · 18/11/2010 11:31

Why are the school letting the mother in at all. None of the 4 schools that DS1 has been to would even consider letting a parent in to wander the corridors as they like, especially given she's doing it so she can abuse and bully a child. That's a child protection issue and ofsted would be very interested to hear about it. Do ask the HT what exactly they're doing to ensure that your son is safe from harrassment by other parents when he's in school. I'd be very interested to hear their answer.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:32

Apparently she tells the office things like her dd has something in her school bag which she needs and can she just go and get it? The office, not knowing she is a psychotic loon, have just let her in. They won't in future.

OP posts:

DamselInDisgrace · 18/11/2010 11:34

They absolutely should not have been letting her in at all. The standard procedure in any of DS's schools in that situation would have been to make her wait while someone else went to fetch the bag for her.

WowOoo · 18/11/2010 11:38

I wouldn't say anything to a woman like this.

But I would stare at her from a distance - special dagger type evil glare...

DandyLioness · 18/11/2010 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedsomesleep · 18/11/2010 11:45

Please don't say anything to her. Well, not while you are anywhere near the school

It could easily esculate and you could end up looking like the loon.

Agree with Damsel, ask them what policies they have in place and why this was allowed to happen more than once. Then if you're not happy voice your concerns to the LEA and Ofsted.

Could DS be moved to another class and if that's not possible have you talked to him about whether he would like to try another school?

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:47

WowOoo - I will try the glare (although am a bit afraid that she will shout at me - how craven is that?)

Have not so far talked to the head about this, although I know she knows about it as she was party to the meeting with the mother to tell her to stop it. Will see if I can have a chat with her.

Am not looking forward to seeing her at school pick up.

OP posts:

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/11/2010 11:49

No other classes - small village school.

We have been through the discussion of moving school (because of ds's general problems) and the only option would really be to send him to a private school. Ds is adamant that he does not want to move so as it is all about him being happy, for the moment we are not doing that.

OP posts:

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