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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To shout at dh for something he did this morning 10 hours later?

22 replies

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 17/11/2010 21:55

Dh was the last person to use the car yesterday. He knew I needed it today to drive 25 miles to a work appointment after dropping the dds off. He also borrowed my cash card to get some shopping yesterday.

He went off to work this morning. I got in the car with the dcs and there was no petrol so he'd forgotton to tell me or get more petrol himself. I took the dds round to their CM then went to petrol station whereupon I found out he still had my card and hadn't replaced it. I only had £5 on me and didn't have time to go back home to find more money as my appointment was at 9. So i put £5 in the car, but the red light was still on. I was late by this time and very very stressed. I got to my appointment 15 mins late as I then hit traffic. I managed to get back home without running out of petrol but I was on pins the whole journey back.

I texted him to tell him and he said he was very sorry and he'd make it up to me tonight. When he got in he didn't say sorry again and I was still pissed off so I told him so. He was of the opinion I should have gotten over it by that time. He said I was being totally unreasonable and went off in a strop. He hasn;t spoken to me all night and came in to announce he's going for a drink which is unheard of midweek. This has all just wound me up even more and I am fucking furious now.

Do I just pretend he doesn't exist and see if he gets over it or am I in the wrong? I know for a fact he's wanting an apology. I don;t feel sorry though so why shoudl I apologise? It's like I'm not allowed to be angry with him. He says he said sorry this morning and that should be the end of it. ARGHGGGGGHHHHH

OP posts:

TheBigZing · 17/11/2010 21:59

He did already say sorry. It wasnt exactly the crime of the century. I think you need to climb down a little tbh.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 17/11/2010 22:02

REally?

oh.

It was thoughtless though and it started my day in a crap way. I should also say I'm having a horrible time elsewhere at the moment (my dad is dying) and I'm not very good at coping with stress right now so I'm agry with the thoughtlessness. But maybe you;re right? Oh god I don;t know

OP posts:

Serendippy · 17/11/2010 22:05

YABU to expect another apology. HeIBU to sulk as he knows he was in the wrong. You will have to let it go, write it off as him being an inconsiderate arse providing he is normally OK.

Sorry about your dad.

WookieetheChew · 17/11/2010 22:06

Sorry to hear about your Dad. In light of that, he should have known that you're under stress atm, and should have apologised again when he saw you were still annoyied. Regardless of the "crime", he should have been apologetic for causing you stress.

But you're not doing yourself any favours by still getting yourself worked up over it. He made a mistake, he's said sorry. Try to forget about it.

cobbledtogether · 17/11/2010 22:08

YANBU - not putting petrol in the car and forgetting to put back your card deserves a sorry when he gets home.

IMO its not totally unreasonable to say you were still a bit pissed off.

curlymama · 17/11/2010 22:08

It's ok for you to still be pissed off with him, and to let him know that you are still angry and/or feeling a bit stressed about it. It is also ok for you to let him know that he owes you one!

It all depends what you said and how you said it when he came in from work. Did you make digs or have a go at him? If you did, then that's not ok.

I would be upset with my husband if I had made a genuine mistake or had simply forgotten to do something, apologised, and then still got treated horribly because of it.

Maybe for the sake of being the bigger person and being friends with your dh again you could say you are sorry for the way you spoke to him. He might then say again that he really is sorry he left you in a situation this morning, and you will be able to make up.

AgentZigzag · 17/11/2010 22:09

I would tell your DH why you wanted/needed to shout at him because what he did made you feel even more stressed than you already were.

I'm sure he'd understand, and as you've said, he's already apologised so he's not being an arse or anything.

You don't seem to have what he did in perspective, but because of what's on your plate it's understandable.

Altaira · 17/11/2010 22:09

I think that the stress you are feeling is prob more about your Dad than the car and petrol.
Really sorry for you, hope DH is being supportive in other ways.

LadyViper · 17/11/2010 22:15

I think that in a normal circumstance YABU, but I have been in your shoes and he should allow for emotional outbursts. But you need to let it go, it was a genuine mistake and he has apologised.

Remember the situation is hard on him too and maybe his snapping was the cumulation of a lot of stress that he has bottled.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad :-(

sugarmetimbers · 17/11/2010 22:15

YANBU to be annoyed about the cash card. But it would make sense for him to get his own cash card to prevent this kind of thing happening in the future.

IME these sorts of incidents stop occuring when couples sit down and start planning things properly. DH and I have our own cards plus I always carry spare cash with me, which would have prevented this kind of situation.

LadyViper · 17/11/2010 22:18

that came out harshly, it wasn't meant to. I just meant you both need kindness at this difficult time.

Beamur · 17/11/2010 22:18

OP, this sounds like the kind of thing my DP would do, and I'd probably shout at him 10 hrs later too.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 17/11/2010 22:23

Thanks. Yes he does know that I'm not good in stressful situations at the moment so I'm pissed off that he thought a text would do. I guess I wanted a bit more grovelling, whether that was unreasonable or not. He's left me without my card quite a few times before but this was the first time it's been such a massive inconvenience and I thought the apology should be stepped up a bit to match. Maybe I'm being a martyr.

All I know is that him sulking in the kitchen tonight would have been sorted out by now usually but him going out has made it much much worse.

I think I'm really angry with him at the moment anyway. His mum has decided she wants us all there for Christmas with his brother and s-i-l who haven't spoken to us for 3 years after a row between dh and the brother. MIL wants them to make it up and apparently Christmas day is the day to do it. So I've got to spend Cmas day with his family who I dislike instead of my family: my mum died when we were young, my brother lives abroad and my dad is now in a nursing home. It fucking sucks. I'm so angry. Dh has absolutely no clue how Im feeling. he says he does but he can't possibly. It makes me feel alone

OP posts:

juneybean · 17/11/2010 22:23

This is something my brother often does to me so YANBU!

OracleInaCoracle · 17/11/2010 22:26

YANBU. when i was on clomid I woke dh up to shout at him for going to the pub on his birthday because it was also the day we bought ds home. that was 4 years earlier

Altaira · 17/11/2010 22:26

I would be having a rethink about Christmas! Maybe pop in and visit for a couple of hours max, sounds a recipe for disaster otherwise.

AgentZigzag · 17/11/2010 22:32

Just reading between the lines so I might be wrong, but it sounds like you feel he's not really acknowledging just how close to breaking point you are.

If so, I think you need to tell him exactly what's going on in your head.

If you've already done this, then perhaps he hasn't grasped the extent and thinks you'll just cope.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 17/11/2010 22:40

Yes I think you're probably right. I'm one if lifes 'copers' and I hold it togethr fir the dds and for work. Dh says he understands but I think he thinks that unless I'm lying screaming on the floor then I must be ok. I'm just tired now. Will have a think about Xmas. Night night and thank you xxxx

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 17/11/2010 22:55

I'm sorry about your Dad - and your Mum :(

I think irrespective of that though, YANBU, an apology in person was called for.

It was a mistake - but it was his mistake and it 'cost' you a lot of stress.

Christmas - don't do it!! Tell your DH that you want a family Christmas in your home (or whatever it is you do want) and that if you are going to have a big making up session with BIL it is not going to be on Christmas Day. End of.

mumeeee · 17/11/2010 23:02

He had already said sorry. He made a mistake

AgentZigzag · 17/11/2010 23:04

'unless I'm lying screaming on the floor then I must be ok'

You could give it a try

I second not doing what's expected of you at Christmas and instead do things that you and your family will enjoy.

The last thing you sound like you need is 37 days (so DD1 informed me about 5 times today) of having something else playing on your mind when you have more important things to think about.

LadyViper · 18/11/2010 15:35

spend xmas with your dad, tell the others to sod off!

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