...to give up my career?

[FluffinWithMyMuffin]

I have namechanged for this, because I am shy and because it's a bit personal.

I have a fairly decent job, with a decent salary (probably not by MN standards, but it's higher than the 'average'), prospects, a company car and an opportunity to begin working towards a second degree at the expense of my company.

I also have 2 DCs - one is a toddler and one is at primary school.

AIBU to have had enough of rushing them out of the door in the morning, rushing them in at night, missing school assemblies and struggling for childcare, and to just want to jack it all in and go and work evenings in a department store?

It will leave things tight financially, but to be honest I have had enough. I just want more family time and less stress. DH reckons IABVU,and that by putting us under pressure fiancially I will be doing much more damage to our family than by the having a rushed and stressful lifestyle. (When I say 'tight', we will still have a roof over our heads, but there will be sacrifices. The expensive cosmetics and the clothes, the holidays, the nights out etc will all have to be curtailed greatly. Everything wll be done on a budget, which fills me with dread but at the same time I relish the thought of spending more time with my DCs)

I am bracing myself for replies...

"I was kind of brainwashed into wanting a bigger house, better car etc" jelly that's exactly what I was trying to say, that's what I mean about Fluffin' using this time to genuinely soul search. There are SO many things we do which are down to the pressure of society and 'normalcy' and it's not until you take a step outside that you can perhaps see that the pressure is there at all.
For instance I have realised that I put pressure on us to pay a mortgage and own a house because it's seen as a good thing to do in this country. However acheiving that does not necessarily make me a happier person or a better parent etc etc. Just for example.

YANBU... I did it and got a job in the local golf club in the bar!

Three nights a week....I used to eat tea with the dc and dh and then trot off until about 11.00pm as it was quiet in the Winter.

Then I started my own business from home...four years down the line I now make more money than I ever did.

The stress and misery of rushing and missing things at school is not worth it imo.

If you're unhappy with your current working arrangement then most definitely change it.

I agree with sleepingsowell, a certain amount of soul searching is needed when making these decisions. I would work out in order of priority, the things that are important to you and your family; i.e more time at home, doing the school run, money for luxuries, holidays, long term career progression, future earning potential etc, etc. Sit down with DH and run through each point to identify areas of flexibility and imagine each scenario its implications.

Many years ago, I left the industry I trained in to take a less stressful job in a completely different sector for a lot less money. I read a book called ?downshifting? which helped me realise I was focusing my energy on the wrong things.
I re-addressed my work /life balance and made a bold decision that hit us financially but enabled me to spend more time with my family. I was very happy in my new less stressful job for a couple of years, however fast forward a few more years and I?ve found myself in that place again, thinking why am I working yet another weekend?

I?m due back from mat leave in a couple of weeks and I?m thinking noooooo!

I used to work full time when my 2 eldest were both under three. I was contineously knackered and wasn't enjoying my job (or my children) that much. Then I got made redundant and it was such a relief that I decided to stay at home for 6 months and see how we got on.

My DH was initially against it, mainly because he liked us both earning a good salary. It took him three weeks to realise that our lives were significantly better. No more arguments about who is more knackered and who is doing more with the kids etc. No more juggling, no problems when children are ill etc. Children were more relaxed as there was one primary carer.

The only thing I miss is being able to take a sick day when I'm really ill!

Financially it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it was. We were paying so much money in child care anyway that it didn't matter that much. No more far-flung holidays for us but tbh they were hard work with little ones anyway!

BUT I didn't mind giving up my career as I didn't really see a future in it anyway, I enjoyed it but never loved it and was never that ambitious.

don't do it, I gave up mine and I'm going insane. And I don't mean that as a figure of speech, I am actually going insane.

On the flipside of the self-employment route I worked freelance from home for two years, the work was very all or nothing - one wave of work would come in and i'd have to drop everything (housework and cooking primarily, lots of pasta eaten during those phases!), i couldn't control the pace of requirements which made it difficult to manage the work around the children as i only have limited childcare. On maternity leave now with DC3 considering what next.

What you might be able to do depends so much on your line of work - can you give us an idea of what your key skills are, maybe we could suggest some alternative options you haven't thought of yet?

the other thing to remember is that even the most apparently domestically competent dh can develop learned helplessness once they have got a SAHM to rely on. My dh actually stopped being able to change nappies competently (every time I left the baby with him while I put older dcs to bed I would come down to find him with dried on poo and a sore bottom ). He is completely oblivious to the housework I do during the day, whereas before it was easier to share it because we were both working. And if your dh doesn't want you to give up work but you do, he will have you over a barrel because he will be able to say it was your choice if he tries similar shit and you object. It may put a real strain on your relationship.

I would try and speak to your employer first. I cut down my office hours to 34pw, instead of 37pw and it made all the difference. I still don´t see DS in the mornings, as I go to work really early, but I collect him from school every day, have dinner together, etc. And yet, I don´t spend as much time as I though I would with him, because he´s 7 now and he´d rather spend his time playing with his friends. Many afternoons, I am just at home on my own while he plays in somebody´s house.

I would be very wary about giving up all together, as money problems in a family can be the beginning of lots of arguments. If you are used to having nice things (holidays, makeup, nights out), would you really be happy when all that is gone?

My DP is probably going to do the same in the near future -2DS(3rd on the way), nanny, rushing around (both of us), squeezing things in, too much of a reliance on quality time at the weekend.
Money will be tight but more than made up for in a less stressed existence and improved quality of life (not material quality but we both decided that this is not important as compared to the life we are currently living). DP is looking forward to it and does not see it as the end of her career - in fact it will eventually free her up to do more of what she is actually interested in. I travel abroad quite frequently and we do not live near family so that removes a big stress when it comes to emergencies etc etc..
I do earn more than my DP but that was not the only reason she has decided to take the break. I think your DP is BU and not looking past the money to see the many other benefits this change will bring (and I do intend to carry on doing my fair share with the kids/housework and my salary is family money not my money).

Do it! I am a freelance social work manager who is due to give birth to a DD in January, and have recently given up work (had envisaged working until at least mid December). I don't think I will regret stepping off the treadmill after 11 years of full time work in the field. H knows I have no plans to return to work until our daughter is around 4 and in full time nursery/at reception. Primarily because I want to be a SAHM and not have to battle with the things that you outlined stress you out, and plenty of other mother's struggle with. I am willing to curtail/adjust to enable us to manage and H is on board with this. We had scaled back in recent months. He is also in support of me returning part time should I want to, when she is a toddler if being at home makes me stir crazy but I don't think I will. I think you need to get him on board-sit down and work out practically what it would mean, have a contingency etc. Good luck.

The thing that strikes me about your OP is that you are fed up with the rushing around, dealing with unreliable childcare and missing out on specific parts of your children's lives (eg the assemblies), rather than you don't like WOH or wanting to specifically be a SAHM.

In terms of the rushing round in the mornings/evenings, can you and your DH split it more evenly? Can one of you do the morning shift and the other do the evening? Or perhaps he does a couple of days where he manages the getting them ready in the morning?

Who arranges the childcare and who takes time off when they let you down? Can your DH do more to arrange alternative childcare when it's needed?

Personally I wouldn't want to be a SAHM unless DH was fully onboard (as SSM says the power dynamics in your relationship will shift and probably in a way you don't like) but if your DH understands just how much stress you are under, which will only happen if he has to take some of it on, he may well change his mind.

i think you'd regret it in a coupleof years once they're both at school. from seeing friends, it's next to impossible to get back into the same level of career, especially if you spend it working in a minimum wage job (one friend had to bend over backwards to prove she really was serious about getting back into her former role, and from what i see 5 years later she still regrets jacking it in for a year to help out her husband's (now defunct) business serving customers part time).

stick at it - you really are doing the hardest part now, i would hate to think that in 2 years you're stuck at the same level of job, unable to get awya from the evening work, and not being able to enjoy the evenings with your kids - it's almost like then you'd have had the worst of both "phases", if you see what i mean

How would you feel if things were reversed and he came to you tomorrow and said you had set him thinking and actually he is fed up with rushing around and wants to sit back a bit and spend more time at home and you both just live on his income?

Don't know whether this would work for you, but the arrangement I have is that I work 4.5 day week and can choose which morning or afternoon to take off each week, so long as it doesn't interfere with work commitments and my earnings have been reduced by 10%. Has reduced the stress considerably.

OP, if your DH doesn't want you to give up work, perhaps he could do either the drop offs or pick ups instead of you doing both?

Often these things come down to sexism,. Do you tolerate a sexist man and if you do why? Say you won't be giving up work (in fact increase your hours and high morning cleaning in) but you will not be getting chidlren up - he can do 100% of mornings and breakfasts and schools and nursery etc etc but you will make sure you are home first 2 days a week if he does the other 3 and if he canot manage it he hires and arranges the childminder nanny or babysitter.

Goodness, thanks for all the replies!

I'm dashing in and out again, but will come back later and read all your respones in detail.

Just to clear up a few points, DH previously was a SAHD when DC1 was small, and I had no problem with it. In fact, I came to enjoy coming home and everythng was organised, laundry done and dinner cooked... I was like a Victorian husband Also, I wouldn't be sitting back letting him be the sole wage earner, I'd be working almost 30 hours at night (but for less £, even factoring in the redution in our childcare costs).

We would have to give up the frills, and the household budget would have to be really qute tight. I think my DHs concern is that we lose the 'safety net' of two reasonable salaries. There is also the important consideration of what I do when DC2 goes to school - I have always been ambitious and career minded and would probaby struggle with not being able to go back to what I was doing. Plus the fact that we may not ever get back to the combined income we have now, so the fiancial 'sacrifice' would last much longer than the family benefits.

I think the first thing I need to do is look at how I manage my time just now. I do work remotely (but not from home per se,I am out most of the day with clients etc) so there is a degree of flexibility; maybe I just need to work smarter.

I would very, very strongly recommend changing/cutting your hours rather than chucking the whole thing in. And, of course, looking at how childcare and housework are allocated in your home.

Giving up a job in today's climate is really not a good idea. And I know that at this point one looks at the future, when they're at school, and thinks 'ah, it will be easier to work full-time then'...but actually, many of us find that we want, at that stage, to negotiate a bit of flexibility into everyone's life. Which is a lot easier if you are in work.

YABU.

We're in a recession and people are losing jobs left right and centre.

If you end your job what happens if your DH loses his? You will be in a very bad way financially. He will struggle to find work as there generally is none.

At least stick it out till things are starting to look up a bit. Try moving within your company, but I wouldnt give up responsibility or hours.

If you knew how many people were desperate for your job, you'd probably not give it up so easily.

Flexible working is the way to go if you can manage it. I gave up a great career after having dd1. I don't regret it, I did it for really good reasons, we could afford it and I have been able to spend a lot of time with my two dd's. But now they are growing, I wish I could find a way back into the workforce. I feel like I am washed up with nowhere to go.

Fluffin, from your last post it really doesn't sound like you want to give up your career. What you seem to need is either a flexible working arrangement or your DH to do more of the rushing round and arranging childcare that is stressing you out.

Treats and new cars are not important.
Pension contributions and family solvency if the family lost your DH's income are vitally important.

If you think you've got the latter two under control then go for it, but do try to reduce your hours temporarily in your existing career if at all possible

YANBU. If you are stressed all the time it's not good for your family. Money isn't everything. Would it be possible to go part time where you work?

I agree with other posters: looking at all your options to reduce hours, flexible working at first mean you won't be looking back after 5 years thinking 'oh shit, what have I done?'

I cut back to bare minimum. But even doing that it's so hard to be taken seriously and get back full time now. (not that i'd want to go full time now anyway. But in two years i want to but possibly can't)

Hope it all works out. Remember - it's all good.