To want out of this place

[Ryoko]

Stuck at home all day every day, third floor flat (no lift) hardly leave the house, have a six month old son, haven't been sexually attracted to his father at all since he was born (he just annoys me with his constant pestering) not working, no money just £20 CB a week, using up my savings paying for all the food in the house (why am I still doing that?) no idea when I'll have work again.

Is it unreasonable to just want to, well for want of a better word, leg it off into the sunset.

:(
You posted about this soon after your son was born didn't you?
Is your DP not working?

With your son, or without?

You are not being unreasonable for feeling this way.

How can you pull yourself out of it? You need a plan (that preferably doesn't involve legging it, though I've heard the bahamas are great at this time of year )

Why don't you get out more? Can you find a local mums group , maybe Surestart, hv clinic etc. Third floor isn't exactly hi-rise so it should be possible. What other income do you have as a couple and where does it go ?

Without, just me out the door.

DP works, in fact he works more now then ever he got promoted two weeks after our son was born he regularly does 6 day weeks and goes at 7.30 back at about half 6-7 PM.

I never wanted kids anyway, I knew it would ruin my job, he pressured me into having one, threatened to leave me, now I feel nothing for him at all I'm wondering why I didn't just show him the door and get on with being independent and able to finance myself, I get depressed when I have to rely on others it angers me immensely and all ways has.

Any tips about childcare? is there any free care around for the hours of 6.30am-4pm or 2pm-11pm, all I see is ones designed for 9-5ers and they cost more a day then I make anyway.

What job did you do ? Doubt you could get free childcare but you might get some tax credits to help with the cost. Many CABs, Helpshops and Surestarts would have information about benefits for those going back to work and obviously you would be earning to pay towards it.

"he pressured me into having one, threatened to leave me"
You do need to leave him and be independent. You also need to get some support for your emotional state, unsurprisingly you are fragile. How do you feel about your DS in general? Can you start looking into options for being a single mum? Do you have family support?

I have no family support and I don't want to take our son away from him, I love my son tho.

I just think if I'm working I'll feel better, I just need to sit it out, I've been like this before, when I was unemployed and stuck in the family home.

I don't know what CABs and Surestarts are?, my work pays around £50 a day, I am still under contract, Haven't even filled out the tax credit application form because we don't know how to do it, it has no where to outline my employment statues, I'd have to write employed working 0 hours a week.

I hate the government, I hate the way they approve a million different contract types and work hours etc and then don't include them or have no idea about them when it comes to things like benefits and stuff it's all 9-5 basic working day crap, I don't even know anyone that does a 9-5.

have you seen your GP/HV? is it possible you have PND?

CAB = Citizens Advice Bureau who give free advice on a range of issues, legal, debt and benefits, housing etc
Surestart = Childrens Centres/Family centres often have a creche facility and/or nursery, host free courses (baby massage, back to work skills, parenting-related etc) and social groups for parents of young children - mums and tots, arts and crafts and so on. Some are attached to infant schools, others are separate charities.
Look online for your lcoal area ones or your hv should have details. If you are under 21 you could also look for a Young Parent Group.

I get that your situation is not good but please go and see your GP or Health Visitor as I suspect some of how your feeling is PND related. I had it with DS1 and whilst I don't doubt that things are tough for you at the moment this illness really can distort your view of the world....you need support and help.

No I haven't, I don't think I have PND, because I've been like this before years ago, I go round in circles I think I do suffer from depression (just not PND) it comes in bouts, things trigger it, then things change and I feel better.

I don't want to go to the GP because I don't want to be a drugged up zombie, I worry they will prescribe stuff that changes my personality, I like being me.

Why would the childcare be down to you to pay??

Your dh earns......it's his child too.......

Well if this is a flare up of your depression caused by having a baby, then surely it doesn't matter whether we label it PND or not - but you do need to get help.
I have no experience but I don't believe the drugs they prescribe necessarily make you a 'drugged up zombie', plus they may not prescribe drugs at all.

Sorry, am confused about work situation - are you working, too bsuy with youngster to work, depressed about work ? What sort of cost is childcare (the 9 to 5) where you are ?

What sort of skills do you have ? Not in a position this month to offer a job, but if I can I want to be in a position to help some other people and MN has a lot of friendly people, some with greater needs than mine...

Good point ILT, I assumed this was just about the family as a whole being better off financially if the mum doesn't work, but in actual fact there is more going on here, and so if you hvae to take a pay cut (as a family) for a while (remember fees at nurseries drop sharply after about 2) then it's probably worth.
I still think you should be looking to leave him though.

I also suffer from depression and have done for 20 years Ryoko, forget the labels(PND) if you don't like them but believe me having a baby can trigger a bout of depression, especially if you are pre-disposed to it already, I hate meds too and fought it until I DS1 was about 6 months old. I had a breakdown and had to go to my Dr. Meds aren't the only answer ( although I did take some for a short while) I had counselling and then CBT. I have been well for 3 years and didn't get depressed with DS2.

Children's Centres are brilliant. They can help you to fill in the tex credit forms.

I wouldn't say it's caused by having a baby, it's caused by not having a job and getting paid, DP does not earn enough, to pay for child care.

I will go to CAB and see what I can do about getting off my arse, I really do not want to see the GP, as for the HF not seen one of them in about 4-5 months, isn't there something about free books for toddlers they are spost to give you at 6 months?.

The centre of the problem I know to be this, I grow up in a house where I got smacked around and insulted and told I would never amount to anything and was useless, I ended up signing on for 11 years, I can not stand being dependent on anyone or anything (i.e the state) and I don't want to rely on a male no matter how much he says he loves me etc.

Also your ds is getting to an age when he will need you to get him out of the flat a couple of times a week, so worth investigating groups and activities for a few months hence in case you need to book ahead. Lots of women struggle when they lose their feeling of self worth and routine on stopping working but you can start to look forward again if you plan ahead. I'm not sure how you are still under contract if not actively working though, do you get smp or ma?

I don't get anything but CB.

Here goes the contract type again, I am on a Zero Hour contract, the shifts are 7.30-3, 3-10pm and 10pm-7.30am (that last shift isn't there at the moment, not enough workload and is the one shift I could do).

Zero Hour Contracts info

So as you can see my employment statues at the moment is difficult to say the least, not least because all the government help and benefits etc are geared solely towards the black and white of employed or unemployed, working 9-5 or not working, all useless to me really.

Anyway I think the CAB is a good idea I'm going to look that one up see where the nearest is and go from there.

Ryoka

I am so sorry you feel this way and it is not surprising given your own childhood. What is important is that you haven't just walked away because you (unlike your parents/carers/whatever) have the ability to put your son first which shows what a good mum you are.

You need to give yourself a break and ask for help because you seem so stressed and unhappy. There are agencies who can help, you deserve and will receive lots of understanding and compassion. Please check out your local Sure Start centre- they are a godsend- I practically live there. They provide a link to the outside world which is sometimes just what you need to stop yourself going mad.

PM if you want to, and good luck xxxxx

Surely income support then? You are not earning a bean, so you have to be entitled to some help? Try here? entitlement checker

Take the form to CAB ask them to help you with it.

As for the possibility of depression etc, I know this will come over a tad harsh, but it's really not my intention. You are putting barriers in the way of finding an improvement in the quality of your life.

You say that you don't want to alter your personality. OK understood, but surely you don't want to live like this, miserable?

You do have issues that could be dealt with relatively easily, the CAB will help point you in the right direction.

Try the Dr, try St John's Wort, and rescue remedy even, it'll be better than nothing and did me the power of good when I was suffering from agoraphobia.

Come on girl! help us help you buck your ideas up?!

You may be entitled to JSA (contribution based) if you are not on maternity leave and actively jobseeking. It depends on whether you have worked and paid NI in the last two years. You will not get income support if your DP is working. You should be entitled to child tax credit whatever your income is, even if it's nothing. All you need to do is phone the helpline, they will tell you if you can apply and send you a form.

Why are you buying food etc if you have no income? What happens to your DP's income? Surely he is supporting the family?

There is nothing wrong with returning to work now, childcare may be tricky with your shifts if your DP cannot do mornings or evenings. Can you fit shifts around him, or explore alternative work options? (forgive me for saying it but) your job doesn't pay well, could you look for something more 9-5 for similar money? Tax credits may help with childcare costs. It sounds like there is more that you could claim and are not. Call tax credits first thing, and get on the jobcentre website now and apply for JSA. Honestly, I got it for 2 months when on unpaid maternity leave, it can be done.

and you should n't only have CB to live on. Your dp has a responsibility to provide for both you and your child including contributing towards childcare costs when you start working. When you are in relationship finances become joint, for benefit purposes as well as income so you need to become involved in managing this.