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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel depressed every time someone says they have 'no regrets'

63 replies

SlightlyJaded · 16/11/2010 20:54

And I don't just mean celeb interviews - for whom this seems to be standard response, but friends and family too.

I have loads of regrets. Mostly things I didn't do as opposed to bad/stupid things I did, and I can find myself feeling really low and wishing i could go back and do things differently quite often.

I ususally comfort myself that this is the same for most people and then some other smiley bastard spouts of that they have 'no regrets', and I feel miserable again.

Do most people have regrets or am I a maudlin cow?

OP posts:

anonymosity · 16/11/2010 21:58

I choose not to dwell on things that would cause me to feel regret also - Kaloki, but it doesn't mean they don't exist, that there are NO regrets deep down in there (or closer to the surface), they are just put to one side, they are not addressed or acknowledged frequently. That's different and VERY self aware of you.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2010 22:02

I know what anonymosity is getting at

those obtuse, self-important people with low emotional intelligence who think everything they do is perfectly right and justified and to admit they made a poor decision is anathema to them

there are none of those types on this thread

sleepycat · 16/11/2010 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaloki · 16/11/2010 22:07

"Everyone has regrets, if you didn't then you would keep making the same mistakes time and time again"

Learning from mistakes is knowledge, not regret.

Regret is wishing you could go back and change things.

I don't. It happened, the world moved on. If I could go back, I wouldn't. Some of the worst mistakes of my life have led to great things, same for my small mistakes. So to change them would be to change my life, and shit as it is right now, it is my life, and what happened just had to happen. Maybe if it didn't happen then things would be even worse?

So absolutely no regrets here. I don't see the point.

Kaloki · 16/11/2010 22:07

I like that quote Sleepycat :)

pointydog · 16/11/2010 22:09

I have never thought of myself as having any regrets. SO I suppose I don't.

midori1999 · 16/11/2010 22:12

I agree with those who have said that what happens in our lives shapes us into who we are, and for that reason I have no regrets.

However, that doesn't mean I haven't done some bloody stupid things or had awful things done to me or happen in my life. It just means I am happy with where I am and who I am is attributed to the things, good and bad I have done or thast have happened in my life.

Original poster

SlightlyJaded · 16/11/2010 22:14

I actually genuinely feel a bit better for having posted here. I know I am the 'type to dwell' and it is a great comfort to know that it's not so much the having/not having regrets, but the way you deal with it, that separates us.

This is something I can work with

OP posts:

proudfoot · 16/11/2010 22:15

Kaloki, I was going to say basically what anonymosity said.

Everyone feels regret sometimes but choosing to dwell on these regrets or not is a different matter, so IMO saying "I have no regrets" is just silly. No, I really don't believe anyone who says they have no regrets, same as I wouldn't believe someone who said they had never felt sad. Regret is a normal emotion.

piscesmoon · 16/11/2010 22:15

I think that you learn through your mistakes-it really doesn't work if someone tells you in advance that it is a mistake-much better to find out for yourself.

Kaloki · 16/11/2010 22:18

I still stand by having no regrets, whether anyone believes me or not. I know what's in my head (even if I don't like it, and regret is one of the few negative things not in my head)

pointydog · 16/11/2010 22:23

Of course it's not silly to say 'I have no regrets'. It's a subjective opinion.

Depends on individual interpretation of 'regrets' perhaps but you are not the RegretMeister, kaloki.

pointydog · 16/11/2010 22:23

sorry, proud I mean

piscesmoon · 16/11/2010 22:24

I don't have any regrets. I have made mistakes, but if I hadn't I wouldn't be where I am today so I would do the same again. There is no point in dwelling on what has gone-let it go and move on.

Kaloki · 16/11/2010 22:25

Seems not, now I want to be a RegretMeister, sounds like you should be getting paid for it?

blueshoes · 16/11/2010 22:25

I don't brood or navelgaze or replay events in my head. I just clock things to experience and move on. So no, I don't have regrets.

AliGrylls · 16/11/2010 22:25

If it's any comfort I have loads of regrets. I wish I had worked harder at school and, same as you spent less time partying and made more of an effort to find a job I enjoyed. I also regret the fact that I did not grow up properly until I met my DH.

However, I am sure I have said in moments of pure optimism and love of my DC and DH that I have no regrets - because when it comes to my current situation I really don't regret anything.

Proudfoot, agree with you completely. Someone that has "no regrets" as their motto clearly has a lifetime of suppressed regrets.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/11/2010 22:26

Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.

pointydog · 16/11/2010 22:27

I am self-absorbed, stupid and suppressed.

I like the alliteration. Might keep it as my epitaph.

tothesea · 16/11/2010 22:39

I have always struggled with regrets, dwelling on mistakes, missed opportunities, bad decisions etc etc. It was really affecting my life and state of mind but I thought it was just the way I was and would have to put up with it.
We were having problems TTC DC2 so I went for Acupuncture and it was an enormous help to me. He worked on clearing all the blockages of stuff I was stuck on and it felt like I could let go of all the regrets. I started to find the 'bad' thoughts would cross my mind but instead of dwelling on them I could move on to the next thought. I would highly recommend this for anyone with these feelings.
I am also 22 weeks pregnant. My acupuncturist is my hero!

kittywise · 16/11/2010 22:55

I have non, non at all. There are things I would have done/said differently of course, but regrets? No

scottishmummy · 16/11/2010 23:05

i dont have regrets all life is positive/negative spectrum and i have experientially grown a result as
absolutely some stuff i felt as harrowing and wish had not experienced,but i did.and it shaped me

fluffles · 17/11/2010 09:09

i think people who dwell on regrets have a really unrealistic idea of 'what might have been'. so what if you'd worked harder at school? you might have been bullied to within an inch of your life, married the first man you met and had a really dull life.

what makes you think that the thing you DIDN'T do would have been so great anyway? you can't know.

i don't have regrets because i don't know the life i don't have, and i doubt it would be better than the one i do have.

if i think really really hard i can find a few things i've done that were thoughtless to others (sharp words to DH, forgotton birthdays for DM etc) but i've got good relationships with those i love and they've forgiven these things.

fluffles · 17/11/2010 09:11

and, in relation to the last line, i know i am not perfect and accept this. regrets can sometimes be a thing perfectionists suffer from but ime being a perfectionist is a real route to unhappiness.

Original poster

SlightlyJaded · 17/11/2010 11:15

I mostly feel it when I see young (late teens / early twenties) people who seem completely together and focussed on what they want out of life. Like the world is their oyster. I was really insecure at the age and wasted so much time and energey of pointless pursuits. I just wish someone had shaken me and said you only have one life, so get on with it.

The rational part of me knows that for every young person with the world at their feet, there are 20 for whom opportunity is nowhere in sight, but I still wish I had that time again myself. I would do it so differently.

I also think I have been sucked into the 'you can have it all' machine a bit. I definitely think the grass is greener, although I am starting to realise that you can't and that I should be grateful for my DH, lovely DCs and enjoy what I have.

Must try harder :)

OP posts:

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