AIBU to think counselling is a waste of time

[feckymcfeckedoff]

D (probably soon to be ex) P spends too much time and money on the beer, goes to every home match for his team, and has been caught out on Adult Friend Finder twice in the last five months.

I feel like a right fool for putting up with it for so long. But because we have a 19 mo DD should I try the counselling route? Or is it pointless?

No, you don't need to put up with that shite just because you have a child together. She won't thank you for raisin her in an unhappy home when she is old enough to notice what is goin on.

[has a crumb under her G key]

Try it. If it doesn't come to anything then you've not lost out and you know you've made the right decision to split.

No - you do not need to put up with this kind of shit - sorry to last poster but I echo your thoughts entirely. Counselling is expensive and pointless. If you want your (D)P to change things, you must spell it out in black and white. If this fails, he was not really worth it and you and your DD will be better on your own with him as a very part time fixture.

I'm a CBT therapist, i'm also pretty practical and down to earth. I think relationship counselling may have it's place with some situations,such as resentment, hostility, altered sex drives etc but tbh in your case esp with the adult friend finder I'd probably just call it a day.

My sister and her mates love counselling, they go after it for each and every difficult interpersonal issue and no longer have the capacity or capability to sort shit out for themselves.

Get out while you can. Pay for counselling if you think there is a small chance you might be able to work things out. Be clear on what the issues are but it sounds like he's looking around already.

I went for counselling with the ex when our DD was 13 months old because I didn't love him anymore and he didn't understand what he had done (he was controlling and emotionally abusive) so I used the counsellor to help me tell him I was leaving. £40 well spent.

Really worked for us, although there was no infidelity, just a lot of arguments and frustration.

I wouldn't bother with counselling once someone starts disrespecting me. That's my personal opinion.

Find out how much counselling would cost. Then tell your (D)P to leave. Then spend money saved on yourself and DC and feel good.

I think the problem with posting in AIBU is that you will get opinions. And these opinions will be formed around the personal experience of the posters.

Perhaps what would be helpful is a place in which you can explore the issues and your feelings and are given the space to form your own opinions and conclusions ie what is right for you and your DD. Relationship counselling could be helpful for your relationship but would require both partners being willing to attend and committed to making changes - which may potentially mean separation by the way, there is no guarantee that counselling will mend your relationship. If your partner is not willing to attend could you consider individual counselling? You may just find the non-judgemental support extremely helpful as you decide what you need to do.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

I think you both need counselling. You've put up with a load of crap that you shouldn't have, and for far too long. He's been treating you like crap. You both need to sort out what's going on inside you both and within the relationship.

The problem is that there are good and bad counsellors. My advice is to get a recommendation.

Apologies to minx, but all therapies (and, in many people's opinions, especially CBT) are limited in one way or another. It's been far too long since I last read up about the various psychological therapies, for my degree, so I'm not the best person to explain to you what it is about CBT that is so limiting. Sorry! One therapy which I've heard excellent things about is Human Givens - you can google it and see whether you agree with their assessment of what people need to be content, there's a list somewhere on the website.

At the end of the day I think it comes down to personal preference which therapy you get on with best.

if he is looking then it is only a matter of time (if he hasn't already) so run like the wind. Give your DD a childhood that isn't overshadowed by a crappy relationship. Being a single parent is tough (have 8 years of it under my belt) but just think how much counselling you AND your DD will need to have if the situation gets worse and she grows up thinking that this is an acceptable way to be treated by men? Hope that it works out

It certainly sounds as though counselling would be a waste of time for you.

oooh, that came out sounding judgy in a really weird nobby way. not what I meant at all. I mean it sounds as though you've made up your mind that he's a waste of time, so counselling with him would most likely be one as well.

Counselling helped me & DH learn to listen to each other (easier said than done). Later on, it really helped me make a decision about whether or not to stay in my marriage - the counsellor was v v good - something clicked in me as a result and I've been a stronger person ever since (still married too). Some of it was paid for through my employer - six free sessions were available under a general and confidential care package. I would recommend brief, solution focused counselling ie limited to say six sessions so you and the counsellor have a clear goal and you avoid a Woody Allen type scenario with years of rambling analysis.

speedygonzalez no need to apologize, it's been a year since i started my diploma in CBT, had to stop part way through due to mat leave but I'm more and more disappointed in CBT. it's very prescriptive and well narrow.

Oh, minx. How disappointing for you to have committed to something that you no longer believe in. But as someone wise said (can't recall her name but she's marvellous), nothing is ever wasted. CBT is not all bad, and I'm sure you know its good points better than I do. And at some point in life you may even be able to use your in-depth knowledge of it to help someone else work out why it didn't help them...

CBT is good for changing destructive thoughts and behaviours - the classic example is phobias. I don't think it would be the first choice of therapy for relationship problems.

However, there is the possibly apocryphal tale of two therapists about to divorce who decided as a last ditch attempt to save their marriage that they would BEHAVE as if they loved each other, even though they didn't. They started forcing themselves to be nice to each other and after a short time their positive behaviours translated into positive thoughts and they ended up back in love.