AIBU not to want visitors arriving at 11pm on a Monday night?

[Petal02]

It?s my husband?s birthday on Tuesday. My Dad, who?s retired, rang me today, to ask if he could drop a birthday present off at our house late this evening, and asked what time we went to bed ?.. I said we try to be in bed for 10.30pm on work nights,
?That?s no problem? was the response, ?I?ll call in at about 11pm, I?ll be passing your door as I?ll be on my way back from your brother?s house ???.?

Now am I being unreasonable not to want visitors at 11pm on a Monday night when we?ve both got work in the morning? Even though (a) it?s my Dad; and (b) he will be almost passing our door? He had all weekend to drop off a present if it was so urgent, and whilst I appreciate it?s a very kind thought, I really DO NOT want anyone visiting at that time of night. Obviously if he does arrive tonight, it would be polite to invite him in and offer him a drink, so he?ll probably still be with us at midnight.

He did ask if he could call round on Tuesday night instead, but we won?t be home as we?re going out for a celebratory dinner.

I tried very tactfully to put him off, but he didn?t take the hint. I?m now so cross that I?ve given myself a headache. My Dad?s a lovely guy, but since retiring, he?s got plenty of time on his hands, and assumes everyone else has too ???..

AIBU ?????

so he asked what time you went to bed, you said 10.30 and he said OK I'll call at 11 then??

Update: it got to approx 10.45pm last night, we were both in our dressing gowns, and I decided "sod it, I'm going to bed". So we went up to bed, and guess what - he didn't actually turn up! So maybe he took the hint that arriving so late was extremely inconvenient? Although it would have been nice if he'd phoned to say he'd changed his plans.

So I assume we'll see him at some point over the next week. The trouble is, he just gets an idea into his head that he wants to visit on a specific day, and gets tunnel vision. We've been here before - he wanted to call round one Friday evening, but we were going to a party. Rather than accepting that "we're not free" means just that, he questioned me over exactly what time we'd be going out/coming back etc etc, and just wouldn't let it go. He ended up coming round an hour before we were due to leave the house, and this meant that I couldn't spend time getting ready for the party (which I'd been looking forward to) and ended up having to really rush which meant I certainly didn't look my best.

I think that retired people forget just how busy your week is, when you both work full time, we get everything crammed into our spare time as best as possible, and it's just not always convenient for someone to insist that they visit.

There are times when he turns up un-announced, like just when we're arriving home from work, and will stay for a couple of hours, and of course our evening is then lost.

I do actually get on very well with him, but I wish he'd arrange his visits at a mutually convenient time, rather than just when it suits HIM !!!

It's not the biggest crisis in the world, but I do find his stance very inconsiderate.

.... or should I have more of an 'open house' policy? It would be different if we weren't both so busy during the week. Our 'down time' is precious.

No, I don't think you should have a more 'open house' policy if you don't feel like it. However with my DF I've started to just get on with whatever I was doing when he turned up.

You sound a abit unreasonable since 11pm isn't really late. Is it? Maybe it is to some.

But you are right about retired people forgetting what it's like to be tied to full-time jobs and routines. I get that with the in laws.

11pm is late. Fact.

You big wuss.

11pm is REALLY late on a work night! Anyone turning up after about 9pm at our house would get short shrift!

text him and your brother at 10 - say you are going to bed now as you are exhausted and will be asleep when he planned to pop in.

What do you all work as? Breakfast tv presenters?

pointy dog I agree 11 is not late, I'm awake at this time most nights, but then I don't work or have pre school children, I am retired and have the day to myself.

My dh however hates going to bed later than half ten as he gets up to work at 6.30am and works really hard all day.

All I'm saying is, it was fair enough for the auld gadgie to ask about droppinjg in at 11. I work full-time, I get up at 6.30 and I am often still up and dressed at 11. Don;t turn my light out till 11.30/12. It's not unheard of.

11pm is very late at our house, we need our sleep! Just off to bed now.

I think 11 is late.

But isn´t it also about"settling down" for the evening as well.

I wouldn´t want visitors past 9pm tbh.

I'm in bed at 9pm most nights, so anyone knocking here after then wouldn't even be heard, let alone let in.

OP, your dad was pretty rude to just not turn up, especially as you'd already waited up past your usual bedtime.

It sounds as if he is lonely and bored and wants to spend time with his daughter.

He probably drove past, noticed the lights off so kept driving.

He's neither lonely nor bored, I can assure you! He really does mean well, but because I'm the only one of his children who doesn't have their own children, he assumes that we have no responsibilites and that we're up til all hours.

He's your dad not any old visitor - I feel a bit sorry
for him. 11pm is not stupidly late and he was trying to do something nice.

"I get up at 6.30 and I am often still up and dressed at 11."

Good for you, pointydog, but clearly plenty of others don't find they can handle their day as easily as you do, and need their sleep.

If I happen to be busy on something then 1am, 2am, 3am or even later might be when I go to bed, but if I had to be out of the house at a fixed time for an office/other job, I could not do so (for long).

Frankly after reading the "we try to be in bed for 10.30pm" and "I'll call in at about 11pm" part, I knew I would be shouting down the phone "NO, I SAID 10:30" and follow it up with "If you plan to call in, then 10:15 or a bit earlier would be OK and allow us time for a chat."

Family or not, there has to be some consideration for getting a decent night's sleep.

I used to take support calls "anytime" but the one at 11pm on a Saturday night to fix a computer (running slow, possible virus attack) to be able to print off some airline tickets for flight the next day was the one which made me see red... WTF didn't they print them a few days before flying!!!

My phones can be switched off and only one (mobile) has the answerphone enabled, so if I am sleeping or want privacy from work calls, I get it. If I was working regular hours I would expect anyone else to fit their visits in by prior arrangement and not do something like this.

However "nice" it does seem pretty dumb to assume that (having asked), deciding a time to suit his own needs is "OK". (No massive disrespect to your Dad, OP, but obvious you were less than happy - YANBU.)

I am often still up at 11pm but that doesn't mean i want visitors. (unless it's an emergency 'I've just left my husband' visit)

nah nah ne nah nah

??

YABU. You really could just have said "no thanks Dad, I will be in bed". I think in 'tactfully' trying to put him off and in thinking you would 'have' to invite him in at 11pm and offer him a drink you are heading toward matyring yourself territory! Just say no thanks!