in wanting to go out for the evening?

[Jux]

OK, it's tomorrow night. The last time I went out for the evening was months ago and I took dd with me. Before that it was months too, and I had dd with me. Tomorrow I would be going out like a grown up, and dh would be staying in with dd.

I will cook bolognese tonight, and they can have it tomorrow too, so he doesn't have to worry about food - he'll probably get a take away though, then he won't have to worry about cooking the pasta.

DH is out every week from Thursday to Sunday and every other week he's out Wednesdays as well. He is a musician and this is his job, but it is a job which he loves, in which he is adored and glorified and given money too! On the Wednesdays and Thursdays he is running jam nights in two different pubs, which is much more sociable. Basically, he goes out, has fun and gets paid. That's how he describes it.

I stay at home, make sure dd is fed, does her homework and goes to bed at 9.30.

I was invited to this Pampered Chef party tomorrow night. It's not really my thing and I can't afford to buy anything, but the idea of going out and spending some time with grown ups, having a laugh, was just too tempting so I said yes, and I was really looking forward to it - a bright spark in my usually dull existence.

DH never gigs on Mondays or Tuesdays, except he might decide that he'd like a pint so pops out for a bit. He wasn't gigging last night, but popped out for a pint and a bit of a social.

Yesterday the daughter of the woman who's holding the party was round, and reminded me. DH suddenly said "Oh but I was going to go to a jam night at X on Tuesday" (he'd never mentioned it before). I said "well, I'm going to this party, though". He said we could get a sitter for dd who's 11. To be honest there are not many people around here who would do it at such short notice, and the two who would I'm not happy about leaving dd with them (they're bonkers in different ways: one told dd that she had opened a portal into the other world and let a malignant spirit in who was following her around; the other tends to get pissed, takes a lot of coke and has loads of similar people around her all the time).

I said to dh that he could go to the jam any week. He said he'd been putting it off for weeks and had decided to go this week. Well, anyway, it was left that I would go and he would stay at home.

Another friend of ours popped by this morning. He immediately asked her if she could babysit tomorrow. She can't. He then went on and on and on about how he'd wanted to go to this jam tomorrow, he'd been putting it off for weeks and really wanted to go tomorrow. In the end I feel so guilt-tripped at how inconvenient I am being that I am at the point of saying I'll stay at home.

But if I do, I will resent it. I will be angry with him. But right now, when I think of it, I am no longer looking forward to it because I know he'll be annoyed if I go and get all lugubrious on me and act hard done by.

Am I being unreasonable? I need someone to tell me whether he's being really selfish or I am.

Gosh, that's turned out long. Sorry!

OK Jux, you're heading to a place where you are going to have to take a long hard ok at your H and his behaviour and attitude are going to have to change. He may be a basically OK man who has without noticing it got into a situation where he gets to feel like the big Man in the relationship, and at the same time pat himself on the ego for how 'wonderful' he is for not dumping you when you are ill. Or he may be someone who is milking your dependence in order to make you feel grateful and subservient all the time, to the extent that he might even try to sabotage your recovery because he doesn't want an equal partner at all.

There's no great rush as (from what you say) he's not really doing anything too damaging at the moment and it;s great that you have dug your toes in about your night out. But now you're aware and can keep an eye on the situation. Best of luck.

Yes SEGB, you're right; I'm afraid to say probably on both counts. He does have this kind of victim mentality, in that he seems to want everyone to see how hard life is for him: disabled wife, messy house because of disabled wife, oh I don't know. He clutches 'tragedies' to his bosom and feeds on them. I get quite cross sometimes and unsympathetic.

Wow, Time To Go. Woo hoo! I'm going out!

have a great evening jux x

and I second everything that sgb said

Jux - you don't have one child, your have 2.

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up.

Go to your night out, and have a fab time, my friend hosted one(i couldn't go as she lives too far away) and she said it was brilliant.

Hope yo have had a lovely evening!

Glad you are getting good healthcareprofessionalsupport...now you just need some of that at home and you will be sorted!

I third what SGB says though i reckon you should sortit asap whilst you are on a roll.

space bar not the best sorry!

Hope you had a lovely evening, you bloody well deserve one. Nearly put kisses too, must go to bed.

But, before I do, I have a close friend with MS who is an absolute inspiration to me. Has set up her own business, and was a lone parent for years, only had her boys Dad back when she was sure he could be relied upon. If you'd like me to atttempt to get you in touch then pm me.

I had fun, thanks everyone! Nearly didn't make it as our new cooker was installed and I had to make a cake to celebrate! Small things like these wear me out!

Then dd spilt an entire cup of tea over the sofa just as I was going upstairs to change! All cushion covers off, blah blah blah. Once dd and I had done that, I really was thinking of just going to bed as I hurt so much, but thought of you lot, girded my loins and went. I think dh was expecting me to back out right up to the last minute - he hadn't told his friend, with whom he was going to the jam, that he couldn't go. The guy rang in the afternoon while dh was out; we chatted for a while and then he said he'd be picking dh up at 6.30ish; so I told him "er, no, you're not". A little consternation, but hey.

Pampered Chef stuff is very beautiful and VERY expensive, but I bought one of their 'cheaper' knives as I've wanted one that size for a long time.

Have been inveigled into 'hosting' a party myself sometime next year. Oh boy. Unlikely.

I have to concur with the "he's taking the piss" angle, if you don't get opportunities to go out very often, and even if you don't want to go out on a regular basis (rotten time of year etc) would do you good to be able to 'drop of a hat' tell him "by the way, I will be out on | night, just so you know..."

Whatever the situation (you mentioned untidy home) you also deserve a social life with or without him, and him assuming that he can pop out to the pub when he isn't out on his 'regular' nights, earning or whatever, is a bit rich, when (for the first time in ages) you want to go to something...

Keep your chin up, and find a few more 'events' to go to!

KaraStarbuckThrace, you're right, and I knew that a long time ago when I was still thinking clearly but had kind of forgotten. Thanks for reminding me.

SGB and AF, I think dh is basically a good man, or at least wants to be, but his values etc got twisted long before I met him. His mum was a nightmare; no compunction, no shame, no values, contant attention seeking. I suspect that when dh and his sis were kids they had to compete really hard for attention, not just between themselves but with her too. I have, in the past, been quite astonished at how low she would stoop to get what she wanted.

thehairybabysmum and ballstoit, thanks. Ballstoit, whereabouts is your friend? she sounds like someone I used know, long before I was dx myself - though I had had two major attacks by then. She was fabulous, but didn't take her partner back as he'd left her because of her dx. She was pursued relentlessly by a lovely guy, who eventually she trusted and they were happy as the proverbial.

Pleased you had a good time :)

jux, I get that his upbringing may not be ideal (join the club, mate)

but the rest of us seem to be able to desist from being selfish and manipulative as adults

glad you had a good time, and let's hope there are more "good times" for you to come, without him sticking a spanner in the works...

I think it very telling he didn't cancel with his mate earlier in the day

he fully expected you not to go

now carry on surprising him, ok ?

:) AF

Yes, make sure you are "out of the house" at 6:15 pm in future, so if his mate arrives at 6:30 DH will be "stuffed" for not cancelling in advance!

Chuffedyou did go out in the end, and that you enjoyed it.

AF is bang on that he thought you'd bail!

Was DH not avail to strip the cushions if you were about to get ready....telling if he was i think.

Untidy house? It's his house and his responsibility too, irrespective of jobs/children/illness he should be pulling his weight here. Maybe he shouldn't go out to jam nights until he has done some chores himself.

Hope you feel suitably stridentafter this to start to put your foot down. Having MS doesnt make you a doormat!

Anyway dont want to turn this into a anti your DH rant...just glad you have made a step in the right direction for you!

It may not be my place to say this, but do you think he has his priorities right? I think he may take advantage of your "gratitude" for him staying with you to lead a very charmed life! I may be speaking completely out of turn, but the music industry is notoriously fickle and badly paid - unless of course you are lucky enough to sign a mulit-million pound deal! It's lovely that your dh is doing what he loves and getting paid for it - and I assume he makes enough to pay the bills - but most people's priorities change when they have a wife and family, and they grow up a bit! It is a shame your dh's desire for a fun job is at the expense of spending time with his family and allowing them to have "fun" too. I'm an ex musician myself and a had a few good years of exclusively doing what I loved, having a great time and getting paid for it, but when I hit my mid twenties I realised it wasn't going to be a stable "career" for me, the money/work is up and down and all those late nights etc are better suited to a young person. So, as I knew I would want to settle down eventually I decide to retrain and am now doing a medical degree. It is the same for most of the other members of the bands etc. that I've worked with before - male and female - most of them realise in the end that if they haven't "made it" by a certain point that they might as well do something else and keep music as a (sometimes paid) hobby - especially if they meet someone and want to start a family. A friend of mine who is a musci journo also jacked it in recently and started work for an investment bank. She is single and has no kids yet but just got fed up of all the late nights, sucking up to people and not knowing when the next pay check was coming!

Don't get me wrong, up until mid pregnancy I was still doing paid gigs occasionally and I loved it, but semi-proessionally and when the travelling/late nights etc got too much I even gave these up and I wasn't upset as my priorities were changing as I was becoming a mother. I know it's different for men as they can pretty much carry on doing what they want when they have kids most of the time if they choose - but nowadays most men recognise their role in the family and try to make sure they are around for their kids/partners. Like I said I am not trying to judge your family situation and your dh is very lucky that he still gets to do something that he loves so much that brings the money in, it's just a shame that you don't get leisure time as a result, and that he is absent so much from the home in the evenings. I may be wrong, but I think a lot of men would try to be at home spending time with their dw if she had a disability and found it difficult to get out a lot herself.

I think he doesn't know how lucky he is to have a dw as accepting and as accomodating as you in allowing him to continue working in an industry that is very family unfriendly (I think most women would have got fed up with it by now) , I think the least he can do is try and rearrange things occasionally so that you get to go out and do something for yourself, or EVEN take you out somewhere nice/spend a nice evening in with you and his DD. x

As I said, not trying to judge, just offering some food for thought. x

re RoxieP post 13:09 18.11

Interesting perspective, and yes, late nights/travel are common to musicians, actors, comics, etc, and the 'wild times' seem all too often to be enjoyed fully by the men but at the expense of family time, very often.