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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why I dont feel super, super excited that Im getting married this weekend

21 replies

Roseflower · 15/11/2010 09:49

After two years I cannot believe the 'big' day is going to be on Saturday.
Everyone keeps gushing how excited I must be and I smile and say "of course!". But Im lying.

I thought I would feel that feeling like a kid does before Christmas.

But really I feel stressed making sure every last thing is done. I feel worried about money. I also feel quite down this wedding has seemed to magnify just how bad and messed up my entire family really is and how many arguments it has started.

The venue we are having our reception at have turned out to be useless (the couple that own it are going through some horrible divorce and keep messing everything up)

I also dont feel like a deserve to be getting married as I havent lost all the weight I should have done.

I am also worried about how I will react walking down the aisle, it makes me so nervous when I think about it(I barely ever get nervous and I dont like it!) - will it all feel way to much having constant attention on me?

I have no doubts about marrying my dp. He is my soulmate I love him and will be proud to be his wife (though it still feels a bit weird too!). But Im not sure how different I will feel once married- I feel like we are already married. Are you supposed to feel different when married?!

They dont tell you this in the glossy magazines or movies. It seems you meant to feel nothing but euthophic joy. Which makes me feel even worse.

Am I the only bride to feel like this? Whats wrong with me?!

OP posts:
FluffyDonkey · 15/11/2010 09:56

No you are definately not alone. I was also surprised that I didn't get the little kid at Christmas feeling.

My excitement over our wedding went up and down during the months we planned it. By the time we got to the "big day" I was happy and content rather than excited.

My friend was very stressed in the run up to her wedding because the two families had never met and had some VERY conflicting religious views. So much so her FIL refused to come to the wedding, only to decide to come the week before. She was so worried that the families would fight that she only relaxed and enjoyed herself once they'd left - which was at 2am Shock

As for the attention - we too hate being centre of attention so we planned a very small, intimate wedding with not too much focus on us. Fortunately some of our friends love being centre of attention so they organised speeches and games which included everyone so it wasn't just us participating.

As for the money and the weight. Try not to think about it. The money is spent now so enjoy it. And don't punish yourself about your weight - I'm sure you will look beautiful like every bride does. Your DH is marrying you because he loves YOU not because you've lost x pounds.

Chil1234 · 15/11/2010 09:59

YANBU and you're not all that unusual. The stress, cost and angst surrounding the typical wedding these days can totally obscure the meaning of the event itself. My only advice to you is that, come Saturday, you look out for your husband-to-be and get him to do the same for you. Forget the relatives, friends, caterers, photographers etc., etc. they can look out for themselves. Be utterly selfish and you might yet salvage a special day out of it all. If you're a happy couple already you won't feel any different as 'Mrs' than you felt as 'Miss'.... that's just romantic hype to sell magazines. Have a great day :)

Tillyscoutsmum · 15/11/2010 10:01

There's nothing wrong with you. Weddings can be really stressful.

As long as you and your DP want to be married (and nothing really changes after marriage ime), then try not to be anything bother you. I know its difficult but genuinely nothing else matters. Any family members who can't just be there to support you and be happy for you are not worth sparing a thought over. Your weight will not matter. Have a couple of glasses of fizz and just enjoy your day. It'll be fantastic Smile

Curiousmama · 15/11/2010 10:02

Nope YANBU I wouldn't be that excited either if there was so much stress involved. That's why when dp and I marry it'll be very small, informal and maybe not even in this country. I can't stand all the 'oh you must invite so and so....' I don't want many there at all tbh.

Anyway enough about me Wink I hope it all goes well for you and your dh. Sorry people are being arses though.

TattyDevine · 15/11/2010 10:04

What's happened here is that there is so much focus on the wedding, not the marriage. This is not really your fault - it sort of happens, other people make it happen too, not just the bride, the fact is there are so many things to sort out and its all down to you and you probably have other things going on etc.

As long as you are not having second thoughts about DP, just go with the flow. Weight doesn't matter. There's nothing worse than seeing a bride lose a shedload of weight for her "big day" only to regain most of it before the honeymoon is even over. When its the wedding that is the main drive to lose it, this often happens because that main reason to "be good" has gone once the ink on the photos has dried.

Would you rather see photos of you in 5 years time looking unusualy slim for you at a weight you were probably never going to realistically maintain, or simply a "good version" of what you can maintain? I think the latter. Its still you, you are a regular woman, a mother, and this weekend, you will also be a bride. You dont have to change any fundamental element of yourself to deserve this role or this day.

You have a very unhostile audience on your wedding day, unless you've invited all of DP's exes - they are friends and family who believe in you and love you. Think of it as a party to celebrate your love and your family and not a "wedding". And think of the ceremony as a marriage and a union and not a "wedding". Less of the wedding, chill out, take a deep breath and picture yourself looking stunning and perfect just the way you are.

paddypoopants · 15/11/2010 10:04

I think a lot of people get that anti-climax type feeling around the time of their wedding - I certainly did. All the stress of organising stuff for so long and your friends or family being a bit rubbish is just a good dose of reality. But you're better to feel like this now rather than it hit you on the big day itself. I bet it means you'll have a really fabulous day as it'll turn out better than you feared. You won't notice any of the small things that might not go perfectly as you'll be so happy. I was so sure my wedding was going to be rubbish but it was fab and my annoying family and in laws didn't bother me ( well not much). Have a wonderful wedding.

superv1xen · 15/11/2010 10:05

this is exactly why me and dp are doing it practically just the 2 of us.

a beautiful registry office in the country. us, both our sets of parents and our kids. a meal after then we are buggering off on our own for a mini honeymoon.

i cant bloody wait. :o

emptyshell · 15/11/2010 10:05

It's quite normal - for us the super excited feeling came AFTER when we got back to the hotel and it was suddenly a wave of "WOOO HOOO WE DID IT". Then we buggered off down the beach with the best man and his missus and had fish and chips on the seafront!

Most of the actual day I spent feeling dressed up like an utter wally to be honest - especially having to walk past the entire Birmingham City football team in my wedding dress as they were in the same hotel as us!

TattyDevine · 15/11/2010 10:05

Sorry, have just read your OP back and realised I have assumed you are a mother, you haven't actually mentioned it so apologies if I've jumped to an incorrect conclusion there!

snowflake69 · 15/11/2010 10:38

We ran off abroad just the two of us. We were both so excited we could hardly sit still on the plane. I would probably not have been excited if I had had to worry about everyone else though on the day.

Roseflower · 15/11/2010 10:40

Thank you for all the replies- don't worry TattyDevine I am mother!

I hate the way our culture has so many cliches and pressures on marriage.

You feel like you should be thin and your most beautiful ever. Well then I should have got married at 21.

You get told it will be the happiest day of your life- well what if it's not? And if it is- does this mean the happiness in my life has peaked forever?! I feels like such a unrealistic pressure to put on ourselves.

I do almost feel like telling everyone to just come to the reception and not the church. Im not nervous about the reception at all. But I am about the ceremony.

I keep telling myself Im just going to get a new shiny ring to play it all down- but it's not working!

OP posts:
Kitty81 · 15/11/2010 11:04

Yanbu at all. For me, right up to the night before my crazy family were being mental and bickering, to the point where our close friends and dh and me had gone to the pub for a meal, about 20 of us all in, and I ended up outside in tears on the phone to my sister as my step mum and mum had both been bitching to her about flowers or some such. I remember begging dh to call it all off and run away with me, and we had a really intimate family wedding! Weddings have a habit of bringing out little niggles and, after comparing notes with my best girlfriends, they had exactly the same thing; lying through their teeth to anyone who said oh, you must be so excited!

Even on the morning itself I wasn't excited, exactly. I was probably the most calm out of everyone! Even when the car didn't arrive and left me in my dress, my mum and my 8yo goddaughter standing in the carpark outside my mums house for half an hour! There was a lovely moment, though, when I got to the doors and the bridesmaids had gone, and me and my dad turned the corner and I saw dh. Poor thing, I was over half an hour late and my friends will have been mercilessly teasing him. He looked like there was no one in the room but me, and I think I realized then that it really didnt matter at all if my family were mad or the flowers were not perpendicular to the umbrella poles or whatever else shite they'd been banging on about. The important bit was the getting married to him, and the rest was just, well, trimmings, and dh and I, in the car afterwards, agreed we were just going to enjoy the day and let everyone else enjoy the fuss.

Oh, and I hate hate hate being centre of attention too. But actually it isn't like you think it will be. I was dreading it, but I found that any time there was attention to be at the centre of, dh and I were together (first dance, speeches etc) and so I could just squeeze his hand and focus on him, and I didn't really care if everyone was looking. And I didn't lose the weight I wanted either, which was plenty of fun on the morning as I'd bought my dream dress in a sale a size too small ha ha. I had to wear two pairs of spanx and it literally took three people to do the lacing up. My best friend ended up sticking her hand up inside the dress and shoving anything (fat) that wouldn't go into the boning into my cleavage, which ended up looking magnificent! You will be amazed at what can be squashed into a wedding dress; they are miracles of dress engineering and you will feel wonderful.

Nerves are funny things and sometimes manifest as stress, sometimes as shouty bridezilla behaviour, and sometimes just as a sort of numb-to-everything feeling. Focus on the important bit (you and him) and the rest is just fluff. And on the day, your guests will be just as interested in what everyone else is wearing and doing and saying as they are in you, it's much less pressure than you think, and if it is all too much and you and your new dh do a runner for an hour or so, everyone will think it's romantic anyway.

Good luck, I hope some of this helps. Everyone is different and you may well feel like what I've just said is nonsense... But just relax and try to remember, you're just telling him you love him, which you do all the time, you're just telling your friends and fam that you love him at the same time, then going to a party where everyone will buy you drinks and be nice to you, and you won't have to lift a finger all night :)

Have a lovely day and congrats!

Onetoomanycornettos · 15/11/2010 11:06

Do you know what, you need to just put all those silly worries about weight, money and so on aside and really really enjoy the day. I was stressed on my thirtieth birthday, I did a huge event, but spent the first half of it stressing about if people had arrived, were they having fun, what about the drinks and so on, until a fab friend turned up, said grab a drink, let your hair down and just enjoy yourself. I realised she was right, no point in having a big event if there's no fun in it! So, you aren't going to lose weight now, so forget about that, and make a determined effort to just let the other stuff go and really have fun on this day. It's your chance to say something amazing to your DP (ignore the difficult family, who hasn't got one of them?)

I was nervous for the ceremony myself, as I found making the vows quite nerve-wracking, but I loved the reception/after bit so much. I guess you might be the same.

Have a wonderful day!

thefurryone · 15/11/2010 11:10

YANBU at all just normal Smile

I also had loads of family issues plus the general stress of making sure everything was organised.

Although once I'd walked down the aisle and stood next to my husband then I felt excited.

Good luck for this week, and just remember to relax and enjoy yourself on Saturday :)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/11/2010 11:11

YANBU.

I felt exactly the same. I wanted to get married but the thought of the day was terrifying in some ways - so much pressure!
As DH and I drove to the venue on the Friday afternoon I asked him if we could just go on honeymoon! He said no, on the basis that my Dad would have killed him Grin

Once we were there though, it was brilliant. The day itself I remember waking up and thinking 'shouldn't I be more excited/nervous than this?', but I was really calm. And I just smiled, all day, until my face ached. I can honestly say that I had never been so happy. It was the most wonderful, wonderful day.

Congratulations, and have a wonderful time :)

Poledra · 15/11/2010 11:12

I wasn't super excited in the run-up to my wedding. On the day itself, the photographer (who was a friend of DH's family) said I was the calmest bride he'd ever seen. My response to this was 'Well, as long as DH, the minister and a couple of witnesses turn up, the rest is just window dressing. And I know DH is here as I've seen him out the window (I was already at the hotel where we were having the wedding), the minister's reliable and if it comes to it, you and your assistant could be witnesses.'

And that's it really. The day was about DH and I getting married, not about A Wedding or anything else. And when DH turned round and looked at me as I came in, I knew I was right. Smile And when your soon-to-be-DH turns and looks at you this weekend, nothing else will matter either.

I wish you many happy years together.

catinthehat2 · 15/11/2010 11:18

Excellent stories, thread has brought a tear to my eye.

NinkyNonker · 15/11/2010 11:28

You're not alone. I adore DH and had a lovely day, but was chilled as anything both before and on the day.

Niecie · 15/11/2010 11:41

YANBU and really, I would have thought 'the kid before Christmas' feeling was actually quite rare. As for being the happiest day of your life - also a myth I would have thought. Too much effort involved!!

Weddings usually take a lot of time, money and planning, even small ones. It isn't surprising that you are feeling stressed. You might also feel completely differently on Saturday when you can (and probably should) just let everything run its course and enjoy the moment. If something goes wrong, let other people deal with it.

I also don't like being the centre of attention but it was OK in the end. If you cry or have a fit of the giggles, people will understand. Most if not all the people there want to wish you well and if they don't, well they just don't count anyway.

And also bear in mind the wedding will be a lovely memory but it is the marriage that is the important bit and that is a life long project and another bit they forget to say much about in the glossy magazines!

If it is any consolation things could be worse. Somebody reared ended my car 5 days before my wedding so I had insurance companies and garages to contend with instead of fretting about what was happening on Saturday. It was a good distraction from the wedding nerves although I wouldn't necessarily recommend it!!!

Good luck and best wishes for Saturday.

mumeeee · 15/11/2010 12:41

YANBU. It can be very stessful preparing for a wedding. I know DD1 was feeling like that about a week before her weding. But everything was fine on the day and she had a great day.

FluffyDonkey · 15/11/2010 14:30

I'm sure you'll have a lovely wedding (and marriage, which is the whole point). But do remember to enjoy the day! It all goes past so quickly. Just keep breathing!

I kept repeating to myself (and anyone else who tried to stress me) that I had my passport, my DH, and 4 reliable witnesses, so I could get married, nothing else mattered. As it turned out, nothing went wrong (unless you count only having 30mins to get dressed instead of the 2 hours I'd planned! Grin )

I also had aching cheeks from smiling all the time. I got a real rush of excitement when someone called me Mrs DH for the first time a couple of hours after the ceremony. But my major rush of little kid excitement came 4 days after the wedding. I looked at DH and thought, Oh my God this is my husband for ever. Then I got all excited and did a little dance Blush and hugged him Grin

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