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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how to deal with a friend

30 replies

WisteriaWoman · 14/11/2010 15:53

This afternoon a friend was due to pop in and see me and DD with her 3 kids whilst on a visit to our city.
Me and DD dashed home from a friends party to be here on time, quickly tidied up house - but then friend doesn't arrive. After waiting for 30 minutes I look at the phone and find she texted two hours ago to cancel visit as she has a sore throat. I'm really peed off as this is not the first time she has blown me out like this. she was fine when she texted this morning.

What to do?
DH says I should text her telling her not to bother again.

The thing that most annoys me is that she didn't phone and tell me and poor DD was dragged away from a party on a promise of three kids turning up to play with.

GRRR>

OP posts:

redflag · 14/11/2010 15:57

I have a friend that does this, I have stopped responding to her requests for visits now, just change the subject when she says i will be round on such and such a day.

Spero · 14/11/2010 15:58

Tricky one. Not sure anything is gained by confronting her. It is a crap thing to do as she is obviously embarrassed about cancelling or she would have phoned.

I hate this too - I don't have my phone glued to my hand, sometimes it is hours before I check it and find a text.

Is she otherwise a good friend? If so, let it go. If she is a crap friend in other areas, I would just stop bothering, but I wouldn't inform her, unless she asked directly. Otherwise, I think you run the risk of looking a bit unhinged.

SuePurblybilt · 14/11/2010 15:58

Have a friend like this - I don't tell DD when we have something arranged as she'l cry off at any excuse. Just let her do the running in future, that way you haven't lost anything.

phipps · 14/11/2010 16:00

Maybe you could have checked your phone before you left the party if she has previous for cancelling at the last minute. Maybe she thought she didn't want to pass on germs.

What do you think you need to deal with and what are you planning on doing?

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/11/2010 16:04

There are a lot of sore throat things kicking about.

Say nothing. Not much you can say.

BUT

Next time, when you arrange something tell her that if for whatever reason she can't make it to call you personally and make sure you get the message, as DD was really upset the last time, missing out on a party AND not having the kids come over.

Or the other thing is to put your own plans before hers. Go to the party, and arrange for her to meet when it's over. Or you could tell her to call you when she's on her way to you, don't tell your DD and if it happens, it happens

Spero · 14/11/2010 16:07

Its not so much the cancelling - of course, if you are ill, you are ill, not much you can do about it, it is the WAY it is done.

Texting is the lazy arse, I couldn't give a shit if you find out in time or not way of doing it.

I think that is what is annoying op? It is what bloody annoys me anyway.

If you are cancelling plans ON THE DAY you telephone the person and you try to speak to them directly. It is simple good manners.

Sometimes my phone won't let me know I have a text or message for hours after it was sent.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 14/11/2010 16:09

I would text back something like "Dammit have only just seen this. Wish I'd checked my phone earlier as DD was having fun at a party and I dragged her away :( "

You're not making a big thing of it then but she'll realise she's inconvenienced you and hopefully won't do it again.

rockinhippy · 14/11/2010 16:15

Personally I would confront her on it, maybe be e-mail, but only in the way of something along the lines of -

" I have only just now received your text, which as it's arrived several hours after you were due to arrive - you can no doubt imagine, my having dragged DCs from party etc etc, it was HIGHLY inconvenient - in future can you PLEASE have the decency to ring & cancel, rather than text, at least that way you can be sure that we do get your message in good time & are not left twiddling our thumbs, wondering where you are, with upset DCs, sadly texts can sometimes be slow to go through, as has happened here, thank you" :)

Spero · 14/11/2010 16:19

I think responding electronically just compounds the harm; you are both as bad as each other then.

If you value her as a friend, why not say what RH suggests to her directly?

She will probably never speak to you again, but frankly I think for the most part we are better off with people like this out of our lives; I am fed up with wasting energy and having plans ruined by people who flake at last minute and don't take time to call.

So my friendships have dwindled to that select core who are considerate, and I am much happier for it. Quality not quantity ever time I say.

mosschops30 · 14/11/2010 16:21

I have a sore throat today, i would have txt you as cant be arsed to utter one painful word unless I need to.
Also I txt everybody everything, its just my prefered mode of communication, i dont think its lazy.

electra · 14/11/2010 16:24

I would not respond. But what if she really is ill? I don't like it when people come ill on play dates, personally.

If she's the kind of friend who isn't really a friend I would not bother to make plans with her again and stick to the friends you can rely on.

Dando · 14/11/2010 16:30

It seems from your op that she did text you in plenty of time -but you didn't look at your phone. The fact that you left the party early and tidied up could have been avoided if you'd seen the text.

It doesn't sound you like her very much, so perhaps your best bet will be to just let the acquaintance/friendship slide.

Original poster

WisteriaWoman · 14/11/2010 16:42

I really like the suggested text messages and may use them - as this isn't the first time she's done this (DH is always telling me I'm too much of a push over and she's treating me with contempt which seems a bit harsh!)

No I don't have my phone clamped to my ear all the time on the off chance people may text me. Should I??

What annoyed me is that she was fine at 10am this morning when she texted me to confirm she was coming over. If she'd hinted that she was feeling a bit ropey and the visit may not happen then I would be less annoyed. She is a lovely person and we've known each other for years but this is the third time this has happened.

Perhaps I should be setting more boundaries...!
Three strikes and you're out????

OP posts:

Dando · 14/11/2010 16:51

When people are flakey with me (that aren't normally - and if you've known her for years and consider her to be lovely, I think 3 strikes is a bit harsh) I usually go down the route of, are you ok? you've been a bit unwell lately and you're not usually - how are things?

3 dc is a lot of work, plus she was on a visit - that can be stressy.

And you don't need to have your phone clamped to your ear to pick up a text...

Dando · 14/11/2010 16:53

*or a bit flakey lately, whatever, depending on relationship...

tethersend · 14/11/2010 16:54

Maybe she just doesn't like you?

Can't think why.

AnnieLobeseder · 14/11/2010 16:55

You can easily tell the habitual texters vs the non-texters on this thread, can't you?

Spero · 14/11/2010 17:00

I think texters and non texters just shouldn't try to be friends. Its the Montagues and the Capulets.

I think people who text are just lazy and trying to avoid me (they only ever text to cancel stuff, if they want a favour you can bet they phone) whereas texters are just blind to their socially inept and dangerous ways.

Caterpillar2Butterfly · 14/11/2010 17:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SouthMum · 14/11/2010 17:19

Just out of interest OP was the party arranged first or her visit to you?

thefentiger · 14/11/2010 17:24

If she is an habitual canceller I would def not invite or allow her to invite herself on a day when I had something else planned .
So if you are around/at home anyway- fine.If you have to change your plans to accomodate her -um no!
I learnt the hard way about an (ex) friend of mine.I spent ages shopping,cleaning house,cooking,bought flowers and Birthday gift etc for her.(it was a fairly big birthday btw) I had just made the starter and was expecting her and her DH in about 1/2 hour when she rang to say she would not be coming as she had a cold !
Never again!

rockinhippy · 14/11/2010 17:27

I'm pretty amazed at the number of people on this thread that see "sending" a text being the same as "text received"

whether the OP is the type that has her mobile glued to her ear or not, if you do not get a reply to a text, you cannot just presume that the person whom you've sent it too - received it

& IMHO in circumstance as outlined by the OP, then its just plain bad mannered to not make ABSOLUTELY SURE, that your friend did get your text & knows you have canceled plans to visit

texts can be slow to go through, that often happens around here in bad weather, & I'm in the middle of town & I know it to be not that unusual

I have health problems, that mean I can often be like the OPs flaky friend & have to cancel last minute, it happens, & can happen to anyone, thats life & if I'm feeling ill then like the OPs friend I will most likely send a text, as has been said, its easier, especially with a sore throat & possible lost voice, which amongst other things I am prone too, but if I don't receive a reply, acknowledging my text-- then I will ring, it would be VERY rude not too

Spero · 14/11/2010 17:32

Yey RH!
Caterpiller - if it is such an effort to compose a text, why don't you just call? If they can't take the call, you can leave a message surely?

That is precisely why I don't tend to text; a quick phone call/message takes no more than a minute, a text can take bloody ages as I keep mispelling things.

I absolutely agree, a basic rule of etiquette should be - if you are cancelling ON THE DAY, it is up to you to make sure that the other person gets your message.

If you just send off a quick text and think job done, then in my view you are rude and lazy and don't deserve another invite.

The only excuse for not doing this would be if you had completely lost your voice. If you are so ill you can't croak out a few words of apology to a friend, then I think you should be in hospital, not texting from home.

Dando · 14/11/2010 17:35

Yes, I agree Rockinhippy, I would call if I needed to cancel, I think that it is the polite thing to do. But I wouldn't dump a longstanding, lovely friend over such a thing, either.

rockinhippy · 14/11/2010 17:41

I agree Dando I wouldn't dump said friend either, but I would make sure they knew that with an exceptionally good reason as outline by spero NOT making sure I had received their message wasn't acceptable, & make sure they knew not to do it again

though I've got to admit, if it WAS a continued pattern of behaviour & for no good reason, then I would drop them like a ton of bricks, IHMO, life's just to short & precious to waste of time wasters & fools

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