To try and explain death to my 4yr old?

[Rollergirl1]

DD is 4. PIL have a dog that is 14 and was very definitely on its last legs. Couldn't see, couldn't hear and eventually couldn't walk. PIL took to vets and they said would be kinder to let the dog go. So they had put down. I told DD about it, only in context, when she was talking about the dog and when she would see it when we went next. I explained that we wouldn't see dog the next time as dog was very old and had died and it was very sad but that's just what happens. DD was very good about it, she was obviously upset and she cried (more for grandma) but seemed quite understanding of it. Today on the phone DD spoke to Grandma and (very adultly) said she was sorry about dog. Cue Grandma talking to DH and telling him that she doesn't think we should have told DD about dog dying as it will upset her. Well it did a little bit, but she got over it. And she is okay. And it made me wonder, when should we prepare our children for death? DD already talks about my grandma, who is dead and she never knew, and says that she is just bones and doesn't have a body but she still thinks things up in heaven. It pissed me off a bit that MIL thinks I shouldn't talk to her about these things. I think it's more natural to tackle these things as they come then not to?

'It is not upsetting to a child. They take in what they are capable of processing and edit out the rest. '

Exactly. It is a big mistake to talk about 'going to sleep' very worrying and not surprising they are then frightened of going to bed!
In Victorian times everyone knew about death with infant mortality rates the way they were and life expectancy etc and although it is a wonderful thing to have moved away from it it is a shame that death is a taboo subject.
If a pet dies, or a very elderly person, it is a good time to answer questions and gives some sort of preparation in case they are forced to deal with a younger, healthy person dying.

That is a far more difficult one Riven. Have you asked any advice from the hospice?

Riven that is quite another matter and I really feel for you

dd has told me she does not want me to die and that she does not want to die, got quite tearful about it, I told her that hopefully that will not happen for quite some time and that in the meant time we try to be nice and happy together

you can't protect them from pain and grief but you can be there and help them deal with their feelings

I agree as others have said that these days death seems to be hidden, I don't think that is healthy at all, it is all part of being alive

Oh Riven that's such a tough thing to be facing :( So sorry to hear it.

You are in a tough position because your DD can't express her concerns. If you just talk to her about it it might raise worries for her that she didn't already have. How good is her comprehension generally? Is she inquisitive about things?

Out of interest, have you explained what happened to the children who died?

Was she friendly with any of those children? I'm just wondering if it might be worth explaining where they went. It is a tough decision though because you can't get feedback from her.

YANBU, you are the best person to know what info your DD can process, so you just need to approach it in a way that she'll be comfortable with.

DD and DS are nearly four and we live out in the sticks and there's usually some kind of dead wildlife lurking in the field when we go for a walk - rabbits, birds, mice etc so we had to broach the subject of death quite early on, explaining that when you get old your soul goes to live in heaven (conveniently suspending my atheist beliefs for the sake of DCs' peace of mind!) and your body stays on the earth to feed the trees, that animals eat, we eat the animals etc etc. A bit wanky and 'Circle of Life' but it worked for them.

Do you think she has any concept of death Riven? Most kids of that age would but her inability to ask questions might have limited her conceptual understanding of things.

Ds is 4.5 and was 3.5 when his dad died. I explained gently to him as as he gets bigger answer most of his questions honestly. Death is this big tabboo subject here, a lot of people are taken aback when ds states his dad is dead very matter of fact as if he were talking about the rain.

I do think your MIL was wrong and that children should about death.

Although there are some children / parents who dont know what to say to ds or I about his dad but that is a different thread.

YANBU, My Dnan died last year, suddenly despite being 98. DS was 4 at the time and had had a goldfish die which he hadn't seemed too worried about .

He asked why I was crying and I told him Nanny had died and he burst into tears. He already knew that meant she'd gone but he wanted to know where she was now.

OP you sound extremly sensible and your DD very mature.

This is an interesting thread and it's what my area of research is about!

Psychologically children have a mature/adult understand of death by the age of 9, up until then they explore all the aspects with questions and it is so important to be honest...

With the media displaying images of death that are easily accessible to children they may well get the mature understanding at an earlier age...

We need to re-embrace the dead and dying and start talking openly with family too!

When my H passed away, I took DS, just 4, to the funeral. It was an Islamic burial, a 'coffin' is only used to transport the body from the mosque tot he burial place. DS saw his father in the mosque, his body was shrouded but his face uncovered. At the place of burial he was put into the grave and his face uncovered again so DS saw him inside the grave.

I thought it important to for DS to see his father in this way, He actually looked very peaceful and a lot better than just before he died,in fact how he looked before he got sick ( the body is washed stripped and shrouded and as it is done very quickly after death, no make up is needed ).

DS understands that his father has died but I do get questions about 'when the next world comes out and daddy comes back'.. this may be due to my trying to explain that H's spirit has passed onto a different place, though I'm not really sure.

I am presuming that in the future as DS grows and understands more it will have been the right thing to do.

I think seeing the body of a dead person is a huge comfort for any bereaved person. Even when you're an adult it's hard to get your head around the fact that someone is "gone" when they die but seeing the body helps you to deal with that and makes it more accessible for your brain if that makes sense. Seeing the body and realising that though the body is there the person isn't helps you to come to terms with the reality of it all IME. Children in particular need this concrete visual evidence of things and abstract explanations of death make a lot more sense if they see the body. Shrouding death in a sense of secrecy and taboo only makes it more frightening than it already is.

Riven - your circumstances are different from most of us and I hope you will get some guidance from the hospice. I'm sorry that I don't have the words to put together anything that would be right. But I shall think of you and dd.

For the rest of the argument and for the OP's MIL - if you don't tell your children the truth they will never trust you. Certainly never trusted my mother.