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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be very worried about my brother

50 replies

laserel · 12/11/2010 21:56

Have namechanged
My brothers girlfriend pushed him down the stairs yesterday dislocating his left shoulder and breaking his right arm. He says that she temporarily lost control and that she's apoligised and feels terrible. I feel pretty worried as I think there's a big difference between a temporary loss of control and shoving someone down the stairs. I'll admit I've never really liked her as she has said a couple of fairly nasty things about him in front of me before but now I'm very concerned.

OP posts:

Original poster

laserel · 12/11/2010 23:20

Most of the family have not particulary liked her as she has always been a bit rude and short with people.

OP posts:

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:22

well not everyone can be wrong,if the general feeling is she's not liked.are you close to your brother?

cumfy · 12/11/2010 23:23

My gut feeling is if you can get to chat with him at length and in a safe atmosphere away from her, that would be ideal.

Otherwise I would call the police.

I am mostly concerned that she may be desperate and successful in persuading him to agree on a particular "version of events".

She didn't get her high-powered job by not being manipulative.

Original poster

laserel · 12/11/2010 23:26

I'm not that close to him but my other sister is. We live at opposite ends of the country so I can't see how I'll get to talk to him for a prolonged period of time away from her.

OP posts:

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:27

have you ever said anything to her when she said nasty things about your brother?tbh i would be worried if it were my brother but we're close and i can never keep my mouth shut anyway if i dont like someone/thing.

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:29

phone! i should imagine your sister is trying to find out,ask her.

cumfy · 12/11/2010 23:30

I really feel you should call the police.

Do you know what they told the hospital ?

madrid · 12/11/2010 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:31

i also agree with cumfy about the police.then maybe she'll think twice brfore doing anything again if she is questioned about it-also she'll know his family are behind him even if he doesnt do anything.

magicmummy1 · 12/11/2010 23:33

yadnbu, I would be very concerned. This is abuse, and pushing someone down the stairs is not what happens in the course of an ordinary argument.

Ask him what he'd tell you to do if a boyfriend did that to you.

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:43

you can report it to the police im sure.just say youre obviously concerned.

madrid · 12/11/2010 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tolalola · 12/11/2010 23:45

YADNBU, this is scary. Is there anything you can say to persuade him to leave, even just for a few days to clear his head?

I agree with magicmummy - ask him what he'd think/do if your situations were reversed and a BF had done that to you.

I had a friend who was in this situation - really bright, funny, incredibly talented bloke - married a total nutter a few years older than him who beat him up quite badly and regularly. She isolated him from everybody and it took him a couple of years to get out.

Try and get him to see that this is very very wrong, that abusive people have extreme difficulty in changing or mending their ways, and that the violence may well escalate.

highhopes2010 · 12/11/2010 23:50

good luck Laserel.Hope this thread helps you.its so different when you go through things yourself.i always thought when i was at school "why do girls put up with getting hit,i would never take that".then it happened and i did put up with it.its so different when it happens to yourself.

onmyfeet · 12/11/2010 23:51

I'd be very concerned, and I hope he will leave her. Victims often make excuses for their abuser.

onceamai · 13/11/2010 00:14

Have you thought about confronting her.

It can be really hard for someone in this position to admit it. Perhaps you should just say to your brother that if ever he needs it, there's a bed at yours for a while without being at all judgy about her. That often makes things worse.

cumfy · 13/11/2010 00:15

Are you contacting your sis ?

nigglewiggle · 13/11/2010 09:32

You most certainly can contact the police. They will investigate it and the outcome will largely depend on what your brother tells them. If he decides to lie to protect her then it will be very difficult to prove. However, in cases of domestic violence the police try to pursue a prosecution with corroborating evidence if the victim does not cooperate.

I hope he is ok and he will need your support through this.

CrazyPlateLady · 13/11/2010 10:20

Your poor brother. Like others have said, if it was the other way around, there would be no hesitation wrt calling the police etc. Speak to your sister and see if you can find out more details if you can't speak to your brother about it.

I would report it to the police anyway, regardless of what your brother had told them or anything. I wouldn't be able to just sit on it. If anyone treated my brothers in this way I would go mad, but then I am a very protective big sister being 8 and 9 years older than them.

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/11/2010 11:17

I think you have to do what you would hope someone would do for you, if it were you being pushed down the stairs.

Tell him that you are there for him whenever and wherever he needs you and I would ask him to speak to a male victim support group, like the links posted already, and I would probably go to the police with my concerns.

cumfy · 13/11/2010 14:13

Have you heard anything more ?

LittleMissHissyFit · 15/11/2010 22:56

Any news on your Brother OP?

Kaloki · 16/11/2010 00:53

I'd kill anyone who did that to my brother! Really hope your brother is ok

Monty27 · 16/11/2010 00:59

I wouldn't be happy with her near a brother of mine.

Mishy1234 · 16/11/2010 07:16

I am so sorry your brother is going through this. Can you call one of the helplines already mentioned and ask them for advice?

I'm afraid someone close to me is in a similar situation, although he is married to the abuser and there is also a child involved. I know of a few incidents second hand (via someone who was living there at the time caring for the baby), so I can't even discuss it with him directly.

It's heartbreaking. I hope things improve and he's able to move away from her soon.

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