To think he's her problem

[strawberrycake]

My Grandad started an affair 20 years ago, 5 years later he left my Nan and moved in with with the OW. My Nan died soon after after a fall at home alone (not relevant but info).

In the last 15 yrs he has lived as her dh, DIY etc. Her kids/ grandkids have been his with daily contact. He's worked hard, even helping her ds build his house and lots of babysitting etc. The house is plastered with photos of OW's family, there is not one photo of his kids/ grandchildren or great grandchildren. There has been minimal contact (a card at birthdays or christmas, one a yr or so phone call). He's acted like an arse generally to his family in other ways too, too many to mention.

Now he's ill with a form of dementia, caused by mini-strokes, it only gets worse if he has more. Now her family suddenly want practical/ financial help with him now he's difficult. He has worked hard for them for years in so many ways.

Are we as a family BU to say he's now their families issue? We'll lend a listening ear, be civil etc. but don't feel inclined to do much practically in terms of money for care/ letting him move in with us. Her family are well off btw, partly thanks to his input.

hecate

So mainly of my view!

She has cooked me dinner once in 15 years, the sum total of our interaction over the years. Been clear her family come first. IF I went round I was showed pictures of them endlessly/ told stories of them without her asking after our family. A bit of a hint. It felt a bit like a condition of her taking him (poor) into her (well-off) lovely house was that he worked for his keep (talented carpenter/ mechanic) and treated her family as his own and stuff his (not that he bothered much with us anyway)

By other things he's done, an example: he pleaded desperate poverty and persuaded my uncle to raid his son's university fund to bail him out. He turned up in a new car the week later.

Basically he's always been a difficult arse, we all knew that, but dementia has made him VERY difficult. But some physical needs too. Guess he's meet his usefulness and they want to offload him back. Considering how many of their houses he's built/ done up he's earned the care in my book.

Is your Grandfather and the OW married?

I'd not help. I don't think that getting old means automatic forgiveness of your bad behaviour. If she wanted his family to support him in his old age, she shouldn't have shagged a married man.

Her man, her problem.

YANBU. You reap what you sow, and he certainly sowed this.

Hecate - noooooo don't do it, you wouldn't last five minutes, the tickers will make you go blind!!

Strawberry - I don't think you should help either, by all means be civil, but it sounds like he cut your off years ago. And the OW's family should repay him for his generosity.

yep he is her/their problem. let them know so there is no expectation or misunderstanding. and then stand back and give them a cheery wave.

Another one saying...'What Hecate said'

What Hecate said.

This happened in my DH's family too, GF left to live with the OW (who was one of his parishoners ) and lavished all of his care and finances on the OWs family while his own DD struggled financially and with severe ill health.

There was minimal contact, then when he was ill OW wanted emotional support from MIL and used to phone her in tears about the terrible things he was saying about her (OW) and how he was shouting for his now dead ex wife and saying they would be together again soon.

GF promised that on his death the money from the sale of his former marital home would come to his DD. In the end he didn't include his very poor DD in his will and the OW's wealthy family wrote to her after his death asking if MIL would sign a legal paper to say she wouldn't contest the will. Needless to say we convinced her to contest it and she got a good amount of money although the other 3/4 of his movable estate and his house went to them.

There is a lot more to the story which I won't bore you with here.

I NEVER usually use the c word, but on this occassion I will say that I hope the old cunt is burning in hell.

Blimey, that's callous - them, not you. Agree with everyone on here.

How have they worded their approach given his 15 yr absence from your lives.

YANBU What Hecate said.

DinahRod- Just lots of bleeding heart phonecalls along the lines of 'I don't know how to cope, he'll have to go in a home soon unless family can help'

Weirdly I just found out he has pictures of my son (Mum sent them) and shows off about his great-grandson. He didn't even send a card or message when he was born. Just shows off pretty baby photos.

Hecate has said it all for me.

YANBU

I agree with Hecate!

If he's not in a home already then are they expecting you to provide care in their home? Either you pay for outside help or provide it yourself - in their home? And how exactly would that work? How would you ever be sure what care was provided? I bet they'd just ask you for the money. And a home is expensive too.

There are lots of agencies who can help her cope rather than asking you - ageUK, citizen's advice, his social worker (he should have one).

Don't do it - tell them you can contribute once you've paid off your debts and worked out how much you can afford per week (after providing financial security to yourself and your kids...)

YANBU.

Some people have no shame.

I'd remind her that she is his family now and that he barely spoke to his first family for the last 15 years.
If he has severe dementia than a residential home isn't a bad option. If I develop dementia I'd rather my kids put me in a home than ran themselves ragged looking after me when I barely recognise them, don't remember anything they do for me and am possibly physically and verbally abusive to them.
Social services will only admit him to a home (unless he's self funding) if he has bad dementia. If he has bad dementia a home is the best thing. If he has enough money to be self funding then a home may be a good thing.
Being a martyr to dementia is over rated.
Different if he'd always been a loving, in touch, grandparent, although even then I don't feel this is a grandchild's responsibility, but he hasn't.
What do his children think? They are the ones who should be negotiating with his partner, not you.
Some residential homes are good. I'd counter the "mayy have to go into a home" emotional blackmail with "he may love that"

Awful. Yes, his family should be providing for him, the family he's spent the last 15 yrs with, not the ones who he turned his back on all that time ago and been, to quote you, "acted like an arse"

Do you plan to respond?

My dentist has a marvellous sign up in his waiting room. something along the lines of "Make sure you're friends with your children because ultimately they will be responsible for choosing your care home".

YANBU but how come this is your problem and not the problem of one of your parents?

Agree with Hecate.

Next time she rings, tell her straight."Have you NO shame! You started a relationship with a married man, and he left my grandma for you. He is yours to keep. Good Bye"

Onceamai, it's a point of family discussion, a joint problem for all. She's rung around everyone. Partly asking on behalf of parents.

We're just planning to be civil, listen to a bit of whinging on the phone to help her let of steam but be busy if she does it too much. May show our faces occasionally to say 'hi' (I haven't seen him in 10 yrs, says it all).

It's not severe dementia, just more an awkward arse becoming more awkward and occasionally doing something dumb/ dangerous which means he can't be left alone. Knows who they all are, just bloody hard wok and forgetful. Not necessarily progressive, dependent on if he has further strokes. IT's cause by damage from a collection of mini-strokes.

'hard wok' hmmm...

Strawberrycake - not to change the subject but I think if this is multi-infarct dementia then it will be progressive. Difficult to predict how quickly depending on what risk factors he has but still this isn't going to stop or get better. If he can't be left alone then it is bad enough. Short term memory is affected first and then long term (usually).

Won't make any difference to the situation - she's really trying it on. Personally I wouldn't even show your faces. I feel most sorry for his children who's heartstrings will be most tugged.

Perhaps this will help - in patients with dementia routine and consistency are very important elements of their treatment. So remaining in familiar environments and with familiar people/carers helps to keep them calm and orientated. Levels of confusion, memory problems and disorientation can be really (and very quickly) exacerbated by change, infections, emotional upset etc. There may be some difficulty when he starts to forget who everyone is and only remembers people from years ago. Some difficulty from his carers that is.

No you are not BU. He is effectively nothing to do with you. That's his choice.
you owe him nothing, imo.

I have an aged relative with what sounds like a similar condition: it's not exactly dementia, but there are post-TIA arteracts in the brain which cause dementia-like symptoms. For a while, she was fine some of the time, then it was like she would "drop out" of functioning. This has gradually worsened, and she is now in a proper nursing home, and IMHO that is the best place now.

His new family might just be making the right decision if they are really considering a home ( that is, a nursing home, not an attempt to parachute him into the home of any member of a family he abandoned).

I think you would be right to decline practical and financial support - not least as he chose them, not you, for holis future.

Offering emotional support (or as you put it, being civil), acknowledging the blood bond and staying in touch, and visiting whereever he ends up, would of course be the humane thing to do (even for a cantankerous old sod).

And as he was the one who moved away from you, then it would BU to expect more.