to hold a slight grudge?

[InGodWeTrust]

History: My sister (lets call her1) has had about 5 miscarriages in 3 years, she has 2 beautiful daughters (aged 8 and 9). She has been told to stop trying as her body can't accommodate babies, and she is due to be sterilised. However when I was 6 months pregnant, my other sister (lets call her 2) had a hen party. We all went-I was on the water, and sister2 was on soft drinks due to medication, sister1 and my mother got completely drunk. In the limo on the way home we dropped sister 2 off, as she lived closer than we did. Sister1 then started having a go at me, for being pregnant when she couldn't get pregnant. As I was sober I just tried to keep calm. ONE HOUR she kept on at me for. I threw a glass of coke over her head in the limo. Anyway my mum lives down a windy road, so the limo couldn't get down there, and that's where we left the car. I was to drive from the limo drop off back to my mum's house and drop everyone else off en route. My sister1 was the first drop off. When she got out she tried to kick me in the stomach saying I didn't deserve the baby.
My ds is now almost 10 months, and my sister and I, while not close (I refuse to get involved with her) are civil. HEr daughter was screaming for my attention and I said "hang on, stop screaming, and wait your turn to talk". My sister1 turned around and said !it's ok for your son to scream all the time, and none of us can complain".

I am now on strike-once again from speaking to her. Am I being unreasonable to steer clear of her? She has now developed a drink problem and refused anti depressants and counselling.

YABU to hold a slight grudge - I would refuse to have anything to do with someone who kicked me in the stomach whilst pregnant, let alone my sister.

For now I'd steeer clear - having her in your life is destructive. Your urge is probably to try and help, but with alcohol the most important thing for the person with the problem is to admit it and to seek help. If she does, you can be tehre for her.

I don't think what you're talking about is holding a grudge, it sounds like self defence to me and you are being very mild-mannered about her viciousness towards you - even under the influence of drink that was way, way out of line.

Take care of yourself and your family, if your sister asks for your help, then do what you can, but don't seek her out. You can't help her the way she is right now.

Whatever problems someone has, if anyone ever tried to kick me in the stomach knowing I was pregnant, I'd never have anything to do with them ever again.

What a disgusting thing to do.

Drink problem or not, I don't see it as a grudge, it's remembering what behaviour your sister is capable of and steering well clear.

I think you both need time out .
Your sister is grieving for what she can no longer ever hope of having ,this does not excuse her behaviour towards you ,but try to understand the pain she is feeling . The drink problem she is experienceing is a way for her to deal with it , a bad way ,but her way all the same .
If she was my sister i would send her a letter telling her i was worried about her , how she was a fab mum and that it was the devils own work that she wouldnt have another ,but that it wasnt your fault or your Ds's fault that any of this had happened . That you would always be there for her if and when she needs a shoulder to cry on .
Then wait and see .

Yeah I understand about her having a drink problem, but because she hasn't had help she keeps relapsing and I'm in her line of fire. I don't drink, and avoid being in situations where she is there. Kinda hard with Christmas looming. Her husband went ballistic when he found out what happened, but I seem to be labelled "the favourite" so she has a grudge against me anyway.

I want to be there for her, but I have my own family now and they're my concern. It's sad she can't have kids-but she's had two who are healthy, and she can't she how fortunate she is.

Perhaps I'll steer clear and get sister2 to get her some help of some description.

no way would i have anything to do with soemone who tried to hurt or kill my child. which is whatshe did by trying to kick you. i wouldn't speak to her again. ever.

You're being very patient and tolerant of her, far more than I would be InGod.

She already has two children, there are plenty of people who aren't able to have any but who don't go round trying to kick pregnant women in their stomachs because of their grief.

I'm thinking back to last year when I was pregnant and I was so protective of my bump, it must have been awful for you.

Nothing you've said though in any way excuses her loss of control.

Like pointy says, she needs to want to sort herself out and get professional help doing it.

Perhaps you could say to her that you want to support her but will only do that on condition that she gets help and keeps it up, otherwise she's on her own.

Yeah it's just everytime I open up a door for her (like this weekend) she makes a horrible remark-about my son-which takes us back to square one...nightmare situation! Thanks for advices, keep 'em coming.

Agree with ZigZag - by all means give her verbal sympathy and offers of help, but they have to be conditional on her getting professional help. She has attacked you physically and verbally in abusing your son and your family has to come first. Yes, she needs help to overcome her grief at not being able to have children - but imagine what she is doing to her own family in persisting in her behaviour and refusing help. Tough love is the only way. Can you talk to her DH about strategies to get her to accept help from professionals, or does he not agree that this is needed?

To be honest, drinking (and it definitely sounds like your sister1 has a drink problem), even though a hugely big problem in its own right, doesn't give anyone the excuse to behave appallingly, which is what she did when kicking you.

I agree with all the others, YANBU, definitely not, to want to steer clear for now at least. Not just because you have your own child & yourself to think about, but mostly because it's really not helpful for her & for her drink problem if everyone makes excuses for her. Many people who revert to drink have serious reasons that they have done so, that doesn't make their drinking any less serious.

'Tough love', as they call it, - keeping your distance & making sure she knows why- sounds like the way to go. I do hope someday she realises how hurtful she's been, to herself & to you. Well, and to your child too!

She has two beautiful daughters already. I really don't understand her problem, I had five pregancies beyond 12 weeks and I have two children. I am eternally grateful for the two children I have.

Is the alcohol problem perhaps a mask for deeper rooted mental health problems. I realy don't think there's anything you can do at present except to avoid a toxic presence in your life. When she has recovered and has received the help she needs you might begin to start sorting it out. To date her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Sorry ladies I was away for a few days, and just caught up on some reading!

I think she needs help-she's just been made redundant which I can't imagine helps her situation. Her dh works 14 hours a day on a chemical refinery and I never see him apart from the odd Sunday lunch say every 10 weeks, and as we're not close it would be a bit surreal telling him I think she needs help-and of course the defensive follows, with me being painted as a "bully". I just want to scream, and I am DREADING Christmas, as my other sister isn't coming, so it'll me and her (my other brother and sister are younger and twins so they're no bother). My mum wants me there all day but I know my sister will be drinking, and I just want to steer clear of her without letting my mother down. Oh the stress.

Kicking, throwing glasses of coke, souting and getting drunk. Def not the way I would choos to spend my Christmas. But Good Lck.

Very true Madame, I think we'll be there until 3, but next year I'm doing Christmas (I'm currently refurbishing a new property so couldn't do it this year). Me and my dh don't drink so it isn't a problem for us. It's just she'll start crying and my mother will take her side because she's the weak one and I'm made to look like the Grinch.

Steer clear of her. There is no excuse for kicking you in the stomach while pregnant not ever. Amazed that you are still on speaking terms with her (even if she is on screeching terms with you).

I personally would not spend christmas with any of them. Your sister's anger would frighten me, I'd be very worried for my child in that situation. As for your mum and everyone else who may be pandering to your sister, they are making it worse by excusing her shitty, bullying behaviour.