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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex is wrong for leaving our children on their own?

45 replies

moirasings · 09/11/2010 17:08

I have shared custody of my children with my ex. (It seemed like a good idea at the time.) They are 11 and 8 years old. I just recently found out he has been leaving them home alone while he goes to the shops etc. I have just started leaving our oldest alone for short periods of time by himself and I don't feel comfortable with him having that amount of responsibility. My ex disagrees and says he will continue doing it. AIBU? Even if other parents feel comfortable with their 11 year olds babysitting a younger sibling surely my views should count for something? I am their Mum after all. I think in another year or so it will be okay, but I just think he's too young, and it's not fair on him.

OP posts:

coconutcowboy · 09/11/2010 18:23

I would leave my DS although I'm not sure if I would if he had a younger sibling. But I'm not impressed that your ex can't get organised enough to not need to go to the shops when he has the children, surely he must have half the week when he can do all his shopping?

Also I think that joint parenting decisions are important and your children need clear boundaries, which isn't going to happen if your ex continues to ignore your concerns and wishes. At this age it sounds like a fairly minor issue, but throughout the teenage years it will become far more important.

BoffinMum · 09/11/2010 18:34

20 minutes is just about reasonable, I think.

My ex managed a really spectacular one. He left the entire sleepover party he was holding for our ten-year-old and half a dozen of her friends, went to A and E about his hurty finger, and did not return until about 4am.

The first I heard of it was a phone call from DD at 10pm saying "Mummy, I though I'd ring because we are all on our own here with no grown ups and we are starting to get hungry now".

I had a serious WTF moment, but we managed to scramble a very ex-girlfriend of his to go in there and feed them pizza and keep a bit of an eye on them. Rather good of her in the circumstances, I thought. He has never worked out what he did wrong, incidentally. He thought (and still thinks) I was being paranoid.

MaMoTTaT · 09/11/2010 18:39

Boffin - my ex was pretty awful recently too

Left the DS's (10,6 and 3) in the house (asleep) from midnight for "several hours" while he "drove around town" with 4 girls. Came back home and a major fight kicked off, they trashed his house, he was arrested for assault, (one of the girls was too it transpires), I was woken up by the police at 7am on a Sunday morning to please go and pick up my children as they were arresting him.........

So really I think that 20 minutes for the age of the OP's children during the day is absolutely fabulous

BoffinMum · 09/11/2010 21:59

Jaysus, MaMo, and I thought my ex was bad.

MaMoTTaT · 09/11/2010 22:18

yup - and the scariest thing is that I would never have known he'd left them (And he could have done it over and over again) if things hadn't kicked off when he got back home!!!

Original poster

moirasings · 10/11/2010 00:43

gobbledegoop - I think I would be ok with putting them in a cab if it was a female cab driver from quite young, and certainly 10 and 12.

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 10/11/2010 00:47

The McCanns did this for longer with a 3YO and two less than 2YOs. Obviously they were nuts but at 11? You can't trust an 11YO on their own for 20 mins max? Really?

MaMoTTaT · 10/11/2010 00:54

actually - I think it depends on the children whether you leave them together at that age (slightly revised my opinion since I first posted )

I told DS1 (10) and DS2 (almost 7) they could stay home while I popped to the shop (it's 8 doors down the street from me) with DS3.

I got the front door and the arguments had alrady started..........so I marched back in and demanded jackets on and both of them with me.....

If the children are unlikely to break out into fighting the second you turn your back it's still absolutely fine - if they're iikely to argue I'd be more wary

Original poster

moirasings · 23/11/2010 05:39

I trust the children, it's more that I think it's too much responsibility for my 11 year old to be "in charge". His sister managed to staple her hand last time! I'll live with it though...

OP posts:

nooka · 23/11/2010 06:03

I left my two for similar amounts of time from a couple of years back, and we now leave them for up to two hours or so (they are now 11 and 10) if that's what they choose. Mainly because they made it very clear that they didn't want to go with us, it was a short trip, and I think independence is important. But I think that you have to judge each situation depending on the child. ds was happier to stay home than dd at the same age for example (partly because he was much grumpier about having to stop whatever he was doing to go shopping etc)

With shared parenting there is a fair bit of "my house my rules" required I think, at least on the smaller things (and to me this isn't a big one) otherwise unless your views happen to be very similar there is likely to be a lot of conflict.

onceamai · 23/11/2010 07:53

My youngest is 11. Have no problem leaving her for an entire morning, afternoon and occasionally a whole day. She's very mature and would much prefer to be at home than in the shops or visiting a friend with me. And we are in phone contact throughout.

Have left mine from about 8 for 10-15 minutes but well aware that is disapproved of on here.

Personally, if they are sensible, know not to answer the door, and are in contact I don't see the problem. OTH we have very good neighbours and are in a very safe area.

IMO YABU

cheekyseamonkey · 23/11/2010 10:48

IMO YANBU It is against the law, I wouldn't do it. He should've at the very least discussed it with you first.

mole1 · 23/11/2010 10:56

It is not against the law, but you could be liable for an offence of 'neglect' if something happened to your child while you were out. You have to judge if your child is capable of dealing with an emergency, however unlikely.

LadyBiscuit · 23/11/2010 10:57

It is not against the law I wish people would stop saying that. And why should the ex ask the OP first if he has shared custody? He has equal status as a parent and doesn't need to ask her permission.

Like others have said, I think it depends on the children and in most instances, that would be fine.

mayorquimby · 23/11/2010 11:23

yanbu IT'S AGAINST THE LAW FFS

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 11:37

As long as the DCs are happy there is no problem. I left my 11yr old for short times with younger siblings. He is an equal parent and it isn't against the law.

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 11:40

It is not against the law. See NSPPC site here

sparkle12mar08 · 23/11/2010 11:41

Jeez, we were walking 40 minutes to school alone twice a day at aged 7. I think it's ridiculous to think an 11 year old can't be left alone for 15 minutes. I'd hope I'd raised my children with enough independance, sense and life skills to be left for at least an hour or two by then. The eight year old complicates things a little bit, I admit, but I'm always amazed at the over protectiveness on here when it comes to raising children to be independent beings.

rodformyownback · 23/11/2010 11:48

It's not illegal FFS!

See www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/Yourchildssafetyinthehome/DG_070594

piscesmoon · 23/11/2010 11:50

I would say that your ex is actually good for them-letting them take responsibility!

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