...to want to see my mum on my own terms?

[TottWriter]

So, DP is putting his foot down, and saying he does not want my mother in the house, and that if she "turns up unexpected" he will walk out - albeit probably only for a while. He doesn't want to see her, or have anything to do with her, and preferably doesn't want our DC to either. (They are 2 and 4 months respectively, btw.)

My mother, obviously does have previous on turning up unexpectedly, and of telling me how to live my life, as well as, on a number of occasions, to leave DP. (some of these may have been me reading too much into her comments).

DP also has depression and anxiety problems, and really does not cope with stress or the anticipation thereof. He's going through a bad patch at the moment, and has admitted to me that he feels low enough to have contemplated suicide, though he would never attempt it because he is terrified of not being remembered by the DC.

Obviously I can't fit the whole story in one post, but there's also an element of my mum being a moderately rigt wing spiritual type (who has made some remarks which come across as quite bigoted in her time), and DP being a liberal atheist. Generally, they are probably never going to get along.

But is DP overreacting by saying he doesn't want her in the house? She lives the other side of the country to us, and I see her once, maybe twice a year for a few hours each time, as when she comes up she stays with my nana and tries to fit in visits to other people she knows here too.

He says I need to put my foot down and say something to her about her behaviour (which has been enough to make me cry before now), and I say that he has no right to deny our DC access, as she is never unpleasant around them, and I hardly ever see her anyway - not to mention if I cut her off, I will make it really awkward to see my younger brother and sister who still live at home, and who I love to pieces. (And who she will then spend forever moaning about me at). I'd rather just keep the peace, and then blow up if she ever says anything again, which she hasn't for a feew weeks. But that's not enough for DP, and I don't want a lazing row with him right now, as he's quite emotionally fragile.

YANBU and yes, it's an overreaction on his part with more than a touch of emotional blackmail in the mix. It's unfortunate when someone doesn't get along with their in-laws (or vice versa) and some in-laws are definitely in the 'OK in small doses' camp. But to banish her from your (joint) home entirely and deny her access to grandchildren because she's a bit bossy or thinks you could have done better or whatever is taking it too far.

Do find it within you to be more assertive, having said that. Keep the visits short and at a time that suits you rather than letting her drop in unannounced. And snuff any abrasive remarks before they get out of hand. Good luck

Stick up for your OH. Have you not seen enough of the posts where people are not only really tee-d off with their partners' parents but, more importantly, hurt and confused that their OHs won't put them first.

You say your mother has a history of being out of line and your partner is having a very hard time, but despite this you won't proactively protect him and your family. The fact that she hasn't said anything "for a few weeks" hardly seems like a good foundation for expecting things to go well from here on.

For his sake and yours set some boundaries, tell her about them and stick to them - it's not the same thing as cutting her off.

Suchprospects - Thanks for spelling it out so bluntly. Sometimes I think I do need a swift kick up the rear.

Not trying to be an AIBU by stealth (but as I said, it won't all fit in the first post), but a lot of my problems with standing up to my mum stem from me being very non-conforntational, especially when it comes to her. She terrified me at times when I was a child, and I still find it hard to say anything too her. For (a quite petty) example, I started National Novel Writing Month this year (gave up the other day ) and met someone who goes to a writers' group I used to be a member of. She has offered to give me lifts to the meetings. My mum, when I mentioned this, actively encouraged me. I half laughed, and said how ironic it was, given that discouraged (and basically stopped) me from going when I was a member before. There was an awkward silence and I suddenly felt an urge to diffuse the tension, which meant much fumbling of words. I'm actually cringing writing about it now. How pathetic of me!

I guess my main problem right now is how to bring up the subject, so it doesn't look like I've been pressured into it (she knows DP doesn't like her much, and is good at assumptions). The last few phonecalls, I've almost been hoping she'd say something out of line and give me a starting point, but it's like she's got a sixth sense or something - she'd been nothing but nice, and actually complimented my parenting style! I have a massively short deadline, too - she's coming up next week to sort out some legal stuff with my nan, so I need to do this now; I know DP will be mildy happier about her being in the county if I have this conversation.