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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to think that he is being a nob and I am NOT apologising...

32 replies

nemofish · 09/11/2010 16:33

Dh has a history of frantic secret porn watching and wanking every minute of the day. I kid you not. He had a callous on his cock. And was always to tired to do anything with me, porn hideen all over the house, in every format, secrets, sneakiness and lies.

My stepdad was well into porn and young girls and tried to show me his collection (which is illegal) and I was abused as a kid by an older boy, again obsessed with girls and sex.

For various reasons I have had a breakdown in the past few weeks,,been suicidal and am now getting help. I am on anti anxiety mediaction.

I have found some shitty fucking 'spoken word' old record in a box called 'blonde on blonde' from 1979 with a sleazy cover and a phil collins record. I brought them down to show him and said, 'this shit offends me, I fucking hate phil collins!' I was making light of it, and said, shall I bin them, cue horror from dh, 'you can't bin them!' me oh ok and I walked out.

I flipped. I took them into the shed and bashed the hell out of both records with a hammer

i flung them on the table and said good luck selling these prize records, or did you want to listen to them again? Is your favourite song on by 'blonde on blonde?' He gives me evils. Not talking to me now. I don't care.

Fucking blonde on blonde, fuck off you twat. Whats more important, some stu[pid blonde bitches puffing and panting on a record or your wife's mental state? Oh wait, I am neither blonde nore panting, also I don't respond at the click of a button so what use am I, callous cock.

Fucks sake I've had it/

OP posts:

FreudianSlimmery · 09/11/2010 16:37

Good grief :(

Have you had couple therapy or similar, or do you feel the relationship is a lost cause?

Original poster

nemofish · 09/11/2010 16:40

not a lost cause at all

i just wish he'd let it go

I am not telling him what he can and cannot do at the end of the day

but it's like he has no sense

OP posts:

narkypuffin · 09/11/2010 16:41

You're ill. Look after yourself. He's obviously got stuff stashed still and you don't need the aggravation now.

Would it be better if he were elsewhere for a while?

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/11/2010 16:42

Don't know what to say nemofish. You don't sound unreasonable to me nemofish, just at the end of your tether. I hope that having a rant on here helps.

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/11/2010 16:43

Didn't mean to say nemofish twice nemofish. I sounded like one of those dodgy salesmen who says your name a lot to "engage" with you .....

SuchProspects · 09/11/2010 16:45

I think I would be furious if my DH was like that and probably wouldn't want to stay with him.

Reading your post though, mainly I worry for you. You say you are on anti-anxiety meds and yet it sounds like they aren't working too well (bashing things up and the negative talk about yourself). So although I don't think you're being unreasonable to be v. v. upset with him or to want to get rid of his stuff that makes you feel bad, I think you should check back in with your doctor. Because it sounds like you're still having a very hard time holding it together.

FindingMyMojo · 09/11/2010 16:46

blimey Nemo that is bloody tough!!!

I would find that behaviour impossible to live with & I'm not surprised you are on anti-anxiety medication. Clearly porn/sex obsession sits very close to some really fucked up times in your life when people have behaved in a really damaging & dangerous ways towards you.

And you are having to face it on a daily basis. I don't know what to say other than this can't be a healthy environment for you or your family.

OK just reread your thread and you've had a breakdown really recently. Have you got somewhere you can go for the night - to friend or family, or someone you can just talk to? If not, then stay here & get support from MN.

I hope you feel better after writing the above - keep breathing, count to 10, someone will be along in a minute with some proper advice. I really empathise with you & your H should be bloody ashamed for his behaviour towards you.

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 09/11/2010 16:46

I hope smashing the records felt cathartic Nemo. I truly truly do.

I don't know what to say, it is appalling for you.

for you.

TorcherQueenie · 09/11/2010 16:46

I'm trying to come up with some advice here but I can't I'm sorry for whats happened and your DH needs to be more supportive than what he is being.

As puffin said perhaps you need a break from each other just for a few days and then ask him to get rid of everything porn related because obviously due to your history its really upsetting you.

stubbornhubby · 09/11/2010 16:47

you smashed a PHIL COLLINS record? YADBU

TorcherQueenie · 09/11/2010 16:50

Just looking at other peoples replys. The porn needs to go for your sake. Its not helping your state of mine and he needs to be supportive of that in getting rid of it all. Does he know the connections porn holds for you? If he does then he should be agreeing to get rid of it. If he doesn't lovely its just going to run you into the ground and put you somewhere you don't need to be. I think a frank and honest chat is needed and a disposal or burning of any and all porn in the house with an agreement that none will be brought into it.

Does he feel like your sex life is boring to him? For him to feel he needs to escape into this fantasy world he must feel theres something missing. Could you maybe agree to set aside one night a week just for you and him? Maybe buy some sexy undies and have a romantic meal first. Its not going to be easy for you to move on from the past and you are going to need his support in this.

overmydeadbody · 09/11/2010 16:54

YADNBU to smash up the records, I hate Phil Collins too!

If I where in your situation I would be seriously weighing up the pros and cons of stsying in this relationship. Of course you can't change him, but you can change yout situation, you don't have to stay with him.

I'm not sure you'll ever fully get over your anxieties while living with him, he will not get over his porn addiction will he?

overmydeadbody · 09/11/2010 16:56

Just to clarify, is he still addicted to porn and using it evety minute of the day? Is it still stashed all over the house?

LoopyLoops · 09/11/2010 17:10

Oh Nemo. :(

I'm no psychologist, but I'm not that surprised that after a childhood such as you describe, you have married a man of this type.

Have you spoken to him frankly about what happened before, and your reason for being so distressed by the porn?

Does he show regard for your feelings in other matters, or just not in this area?

I don't really have any advice, but I would suggest that you both need some medical help, and counselling together too. Your anxiety will not get better if he doesn't take steps to remedy the situation. His obsession with porn does sound more than is healthy, and if you have explained why it upsets you so much and he can't give it up, he has a real problem.

Having read other threads that you have been on, I'd like to say that you sound incredibly together given your background. You will be able to get back to normal, but not if he won't help you.

Take care. :)

FreudianSlimmery · 09/11/2010 18:29

How has his addiction and your feelings about it changed over the course of your relationship?

Forgive me if I'm totally jumping the gun here but I am wondering if he is using your past traumas as an excuse? "oh, I'm not addicted, I use porn like a normal bloke but nemo has these issues..."

Original poster

nemofish · 09/11/2010 19:50

He doesn't use porn anymore, hasn't for a few years. Yes he used to do the 'I am a normal bloke and nemo has these ishoos' but he has moved away from that view over time. We have discussed my feelings and issues around porn a lot, and he feels now that he wouldnt ever want to ahve anytihng to do with it again.

The record was a sad old bit of shite from 1979, I had to blow the dust off as I picked it up. And a phil collins record ffs - dh is the least phil collinsy type of bloke i have ever met - my stepdad and mother love him though - it may be that which sent me over the edge, use of hammer etc I flipped i admit it

Dh has had a good cry and told me he has been worrying that i don't love him / am not in love with him anymore. I cant blame him, i have spent the past year ignoring him and detaching totally from the world. We have had a chat now - silly sod I bloody adore him.

OP posts:

fatlazymummy · 09/11/2010 19:57

I thought Blonde on blonde was a Bob Dylan album?

TorcherQueenie · 09/11/2010 21:48

Nemo I'm glad to hear you've sorted it out. I suffer from depression and anxiety too and theres been quite a few times my DH has felt that I don't love him anymore. Usually during one of my darker periods where I spend 90% of my time alone. Its silly we know we love them but they worry. Take care of yourself and of that silly man of yours. x

Original poster

nemofish · 09/11/2010 22:00

Bob Dylan! Hah! Probably but blonde on blonde was the name of the... i dunno - episode? This was a record, a picture disk, vinyl, from 1979. I have told him I'm fed up of falling over useless, worthless shite in this tiny house. We don't have the room to be keeping stuff just because 'it's a record, you can't throw records away.'

Turns out you can if your demented wife flips her lip and bashes it to pieces with a hammer... I've broken the shed floor I think but I have neglected to tell him just yet...

Fucking Phil Collins. Am i not a woman, do i not have needs.

He's an easy lover, he'll get a hold on you, believe it, dada da da da...

OP posts:

Original poster

nemofish · 09/11/2010 22:02

Shit every time we hear cheesy phil collins shit he's going to look at me and smile, making hammering motions.

I love the silly twat.

OP posts:

PhishFoodAddiction · 09/11/2010 22:03

Sending you a massive [hug] nemofish and I'm glad you've had a good chat to your OH.

Look after yourself.

CheerfulYank · 09/11/2010 22:11

Oh honey. What a time you've had of it. Nothing to add, but YANBU.

tethersend · 09/11/2010 22:23

The record didn't look like this did it?

Hedgeblunder · 09/11/2010 22:29

Oh nemo, I really really think you need to see your GP about this, I don't want to upset you but you sound manic.
IT's not right to write what you did and attack things with hammers and then make declarations of love, you know it's not.
I hope you're ok

ChippingIn · 09/11/2010 22:40

Nemo - sorry to hear things have been so bad :(

I'm really sorry, but I agree with Hedge (and a couple of others). You need to go back to the GP.

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