to not want to be told how to run my own home?

[Ladyanonymous]

OH is in the forces, lives on base 50 miles away in a room with an en-suite and he has a cleaner. He has 3 kids, none of them live with him. He stays here every weekend Friday to Monday.

I work full time I have 3 kids who live with me and I have my own 4 bed house (over 3 floors). The house is mine not jointly owned.

OH's kids come and stay here a couple of times a month. We split the food bill when he is here but I pay the mortgage, gas, electric, council tax, TV licence, phone, Sky, broadband etc etc.

I get the house ready for him and when they come his kids. I also do all the cooking as OH cannot cook . Essentially it is gradually becoming his home.

I am not anal about cleaning nor am I a complete slut - my house is lived in although sometimes things slip a bit. Due to simply not having enough time, and not really needing to live in a show home. Admittedly my 13, 11 and 8yr olds should help more, I am trying to get that into place gradually without introducing a regime which involves me barking orders at them about washing up, homework etc the minute they get in the door. As a single mum I would like a good balance.

Recently more and more OH has started nit picking about domestic chores I haven't done in my own home and having a go saying I should get my kids to help out more - to the point he has begun to start on them a bit himself when he is here at the weekends, yet not making his own kids help either (ok 2 of them are only 6 and 4 but there are little things they could also do to contribute, just so there isn't a massive divison between his kids and mine). Often when his kids are here he spends a lot of time on the ccomputer downlaoding stuff while I cook etc .

AIBU and to feel resentful and pissed off about the way he is behaving and how do I respond and make my point without turning every minor domestic chore into a row???

Is calssydiva actually your other half in disguise!?

classydiva she works too might want a break on the weekend?!

YANBU.
Sit down with him and have a proper discussion about how you manage it between you. He can't behave like a guest who just expects to put his feet up, he should be taking his share of all chores relevant to being there at w/e and with his kids. i.e changing their bedding and washing, contributing to washing up etc. Discuss how everyone should be involved - your kids certainly shouldn't be running round after him or his kids, and it's a bit much for him to have views on what your kids should do if he does not much!! Tell him to leave giving orders for work!

Everyone should contribute according to their ability

he doesn't contribute to the house, doesn't lift a finger to help you when you both work, attacks your house's cleanliness, has started to pick on your kids to help you out?

it depends on the overall person tbh (e.g. maybe his picking on your kids is him showing his concern to make sure they're not making life too hard whilst he's away OR it could be a sign that he's disrespecting your parenting skills and being a bully).

but generally, from what little i've read, it sounds like he's out of order....

Blu I don't think so - his would've been grammatically correct ;)

I think he is taking the piss tbh.

He would be up shit creek if he didn't have your home to bring his DC to at weekends. (IIRC, your DP has children with different mothers who live a long way from each other. apologies if I've gotten you mixed up with someone else)

He should appreciate what you are doing in preparation for his visit. I certainly don't think he should be telling your children what to do. They are your DC, living in your house.

I'd tell him to wind his neck in or make his own alternative arrangements for weekends with his children.

Think very carefully before you make this relationship permanent. You have much to lose. Be certain he is not a sponger who will try to take control of your (and your DC) life

Jeez if DH criticised my housekeeping standards he'd be looking for somewhere else to live ....but seriously he can't waltz into your life every weekend and expect to take over ....yes relationships are about compromise but that is a 2 way deal in my book !

if hes in the forces id expect him to be super tidy and do it all for you! what a knob, he should help you out or not moan at all

Maybe it is just part of the relationship process, she now does things that pisses him off, i.e untidyness.

Run a mile.

I think the thing about your kids/his kids helping out is a red herring, to be honest.

He is the other adult here, and when he is with you he should help out. How about when he turns up, if he objects that something hasn't been done, you say, 'Oh, thanks, I was saving it for you'?

(Or, of course, what hairy said. )

This rings bells with me, my dad did long service in the RAF, and had been in the service for quite a while before he and mum got together. Basically, he saw himself as being in charge of the household and everybody else, including mum, had to do things his way. He was in command at work, and at home. Women looked after the house and children, and men went to work and then came home and did nothing.
Maybe your OH isn't like that... but it's sounding as if he might be. At the moment he's getting his slippers under your bed when it's convenient, getting cheap lodgings for himself and his children when they visit, and expecting to do no work himself, and to be able to order the household as he wants it. Hmmm... (Who holds the remote when you're watching the telly eh?? Tell me that!).
Seriously, you very much need to sit him down and talk this through. For a start, if your house is becoming his home, then is it really enough for him to just contribute for food when they're there? Re the housekeeping, if it's not up to his standards then it's up to him to do something about it. That doesn't mean starting to order your kids around, that means rolling up his sleeves and helping. Personally, I'd expect him to do the bloody housework while he and his kids are visiting, you're doing enough shopping and cooking for them and providing them with a nice roof over their heads. When he visits it should be a bit of a holiday for you as well, not extra work. Maybe he should pay for you to have a cleaner, because I don't see why you should change how YOU run YOUR house just for him. But I think there are some deeper things you need to sort out in this relationship because at the moment it all sounds very cheap and convenient for him and he's in danger of taking over.

Well, I can see both sides tbh. I have a much higher tolerance for mess than my DH, and in the early years is did cause a degree of friction, my MIL was the sort that did everything, including ironing knickers, and I think that he expected a seamless transfer.....you get the picture.

We had to sit down and come to an agreement, if he saw something that he felt was too untidy or needed doing, then he needed to get on and do it rather than sit and whinge about it not having been done.

With regard to the kids helping out, family life is about being part of a team, and it is entirely appropriate for kids, even little ones, to help to contribute to this. All of mine have there own jobs to do, which are age appropriate - I wouldnt expect my 11yo to clean the bathroom, but he can set the dinner table and clear it away.

Maybe you need to sit down and have a calm discussion/family meeting, write it down, have an agenda etc.

All the kids should help, but it is not up to your DP to dictate to you how your house is run. If it is becoming his home then he needs to contribute more financially and not just pay for food. My stepdad had been in the royal navy for years before he married my Mum, and took on her 5 kids. He was incredibly helpful, did a lot of cooking and ironing He could even knit! I think your being taken advantage of, you need to do something about it now or you face years of drudgery.

Yes karmabeliever I am she...

I'm not actually messy - I hoard a bit but its out of sight hoarding.

He has on occasions "sorted things out" for me for instance pulled everything out from under my bed put to one side what he felt needed to be got rid of, put the rest back tidily and just left everything else where it was so I was left to deal with it myself when I didn't have time and could lift some of it, so it was all in my way.

I agree I do keep a lot of utter crap things I don't need but they are my things. I've spent a long time being really really skint and struggling and I guess I kept things and made do. He has gone halves with me on a few things for the house and he pays for things for the kids and is generous like that (I don't want to amke out like hes a sponger - more tight I would say) but they are things I wouldn't have bought and would prefer to have a more equal footing with the household bills - esp as he earns twice what I do and moans about money - a lot.

YANBU.

Though I think that you should be getting your kids to do more. My dcs are 13, 10 & 3. Youngest doesn't do a lot to be fair but he does put his dishes in the dwasher and tidy up his toys at the end of the day.

DDs do a lot more - emptying dwasher, sorting washing, sometimes hoovering etc. Am just about to start dd1 ironing. I'll probably pay her though.

I think that to say children shouldn't do anything is not doing them any favours. They need to learn early what running a household involves.

I would tell him that you are happy with the way your house is. Tell him you dont want to spend the weekends worrying about housework.

Tell him that if the house is really bothering him then you are willing to allow him to tidy, dust, etc if he must

Sooo tempting....

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship. He stays in YOUR house, with HIS children and is criticising how you keep house and what your children do. Where is his house? What is in this for you in the long term?

What's in it for you?
It hasn't even got the fun and glamour of an occasional boyfriend.

Landing on you with 3 kids and telling you wehat to do?>

You are certifiable if you carry on with this relationship.

The problem is that because he is living in the mess with everything done for him, it gets ingrained, and they expect it to carry on at home. The only thing I expect he does in the mess is chuck his shirts in the wash, then the dryer, and then irons them.

I know whereof I speak as I have been married to one of these for 24 years, and whilst he can do things for himself (he had to when married unaccompanied abroad for 2 years), the minute I moved out here it reverted to type.

It is frustrating, and I have put up with it because it was always the case that I lived in our house whilst he weekended and I did the domestics as I was there and he wasn't. I now don't work, so do it as I am not putting anything in the financial pot. If it were my house for which I paid, and he was trying to tell me what to do he would get told to foxtrot oscar fairly quickly, or put up and shut up. You are not in the Forces, so you can have your home as you like it.

Thanks Scary - you always talk sense and I know your DH does the same as my OH.

"He has on occasions "sorted things out" for me for instance pulled everything out from under my bed put to one side what he felt needed to be got rid of, put the rest back tidily and just left everything else where it was so I was left to deal with it myself when I didn't have time and could lift some of it, so it was all in my way."
You know what? That's completely out of order and an intrusion on your privacy. I'd be really furious if my DP did that, and we are living together and sharing all the bills. If I'd found that situation I'd have exploded along the lines of "What on earth made you think you had the right to go through my stuff like that? Bloody put it all back now".
For me there are all sorts of danger signs in your relationship, which you need to resolve or maybe reconsider being with him.
Out of interest, does he only visit when he has his children? Is he just moving into a ready-made domestic haven for him and his kids when needed?