to have thrown DS's truck away?

[CheerfulYank]

Ok, I get the feeling I'm in for it on this one but here goes.

DS (3) has been a lot more disrespectful and, well, naughty as of late. (I realize it's a tough age :)) We have been using time-outs and so far it's not working all that well. This morning after quite a bit of defiance I told him he would start losing fun things like TV time and his toys if he did not start making better choices.

I was trying to get him to get dressed a little later on and he refused. I put him in the bathroom with his underwear and jeans and said "come out when you have them on." (I'd just cleaned up the bathroom) After a few minutes I heard a weird noise so I went in. He'd poured lotion and water all over his underwear and was throwing them against the door, making quite a mess. I told him (in not the nicest tone, I admit) to go up to his room "right now" and give me a minute to collect myself. (My parents were shouters and smackers and I really don't want to do that, so sometimes I really, really need a few minutes to breathe.) He ran upstairs, turned around, and yelled, "Stupid mommy!" (Stupid is a forbidden word to use in reference to other people in our house.) He hollered again, "You're stupid! Stupid mom!"

I said, "right, that's very disrespectful and you are going to lose a toy." And I took his truck and chucked it in the garbage bin outdoors.

So. He was quite upset but I reminded him that I had told him he was going to start losing things if he wasn't nice. For the rest of the day, whenever he started to have "naughty" behavior I reminded him to "stop and make a better choice" and he actually listened, because he was afraid I was going to toss something else.

So, AIBU to chuck the truck? :)

choufluer, I know that.. I was just sympathising with yank that sometimes they do silly things and we sometimes lose our temper.

Jeez I dressed my kids till they were about 7! Why! Cos I had to be at work at quarter to nine in the mornings! Faster for me was the easiest way.

I must have done some things right, cos they now 22 and 17 and I have two boys who have never ever given me any grief of any kind, never drank, never stayed all night and never got in with the wrong crowds.

Aw cheerful don't beat yourself up about it , hopefully this will be a lesson learned & ds will not push the boundaries knowing full well that "mum means business"

Thanks everyone.

To clarify a bit: yes we had somewhere to go, and we were walking. And even though we've had a gorgeous autumn here in Minnesota it's still much too cold to go walking around outside in one's underpants. :) I didn't want to say "I will go without you" as we were the only two home and it would be impossible to follow through on. (Also DH has done this before and DS is not fazed by it.) We do the 1,2,3 thing too, and timeouts, but this can be difficult as he will sometimes refuse to stay where he is put and then it becomes a game.

Also I feel like I've portrayed myself as some sort of dungeon warden who's constantly doling out punishments or something and this isnt the case at all! DS and I adore each other and are very close;the two of us spent the afternoon after The Incident cuddling, reading books, playing with (his remaining) trucks, painting...etc. I know he is very small yet and I don't punish him for things like tantrums, being overtired, etc, as I realize these are normal three year old things. I do think it's very important to be well-mannered and respectful though, just as a person in general. (Obviously I don't hold him to the same standards as I would a ten year old in these things, however.) I worked in a daycare center at one point and saw so many parents who didn't correct their children's disrespectful behavior when they were three or four because they thought it was funny, and then the same parents seemed confused when their children were terrors at nine or ten.

Anyway, thank you so much for the replies. I realize I've over-reacted and if the incident comes up again I will tell DS that I made a mistake and am trying do better. :)

Late to the thread but I understand where you're coming from Cheerful! My parents also smacked and shouted and I am determined to find better ways. It can be so hard though!

DS does usually respond well to time out but when not, we take a toy and put it on top of the piano (gated off and unreachable, but still visible). We tell him how long the toy will stay there (varies dependent on behaviour) and why, and I think it works partially due to the fact that he can see it from his play area. Don't know if that is at all helpful but works for us.

You are such a great mum! The fact that you're even posting about this shows what a loving and caring mum your DS has! :)

I second gomummygo. You are a great mum. Don't worry about 'losing it' - really, in the grand scheme of things, he won't. Iget the impression that a lot of us here are trying not to discipline like our own parents - that said, IMHO, whenever I have 'lost it' (four times so far in three years/ shouted loud/ threw away toy) my goodness, my DS behavior was PERFECT for about three months, it took him aback so much.
There is a lot of softly softly discipline nowadays and a lot of very inappropriately behaved children. I may well be flamed for this, but occasionally using a stricter than usual method of discipline can really work, as long as there is previous explanation, and it is the result of something you feel is very out of line. Children need boundaries - you let your DS see that you will not be pushed around.

Nope, I think you were perfectly reasonable.

He was naughty, you warned him and you say he is now listening to you when your remind him of consequences.

Good parenting I think.

My dd will put dgs's favourite toy on top of her wardrobe if he is naughty and he can have it back after an agreed period of good behaviour.

Cheerful, I know you've had a lot of advice here and have thought about what happened, but just want to reinforce what someone said about his stage of development. Do you think 3yo ds understood when you said he would start losing things that it meant his truck would go in the bin if he was naughty?

And do you really think a 3yo can remember consistently over a period? Only the warning was sometime this morning and the dressing was 'a little later on'. Small children have a hazy sense of time that is very different from that of adults. They live very much in the present.

And what you really punished him for was calling you stupid. That was the final straw that triggered your reaction. Yet he's 3 and calling people stupid is one of the very few ways they have of expressing feelings of anger.

Of course as parents we need to teach them about acceptable behaviour and acceptable ways to deal with feelings, but a 3yo calling someone stupid is not unusual or, actually, that unreasonable. Needs addressing, but not by throwing a toy away IMO - that seems a bit of an over-reaction.

It is important for the adult to have realistic expectations. Mine is older now so I'm not on top of how well developed a 3yo's theory of mind is, but I'm willing to bet it's not that great. They don't really understand that other people have feelings that can be hurt - not in the same way and adult does. They can't yet put themselves in someone else's shoes. Especially not an adult's. We tell them not to hurt people's feelings as that's important for them to learn, but they honestly don't fully appreciate it yet.

Btw, I really wouldn't put temptation in a small child's way by leaving them in the bathroom. Far too full of stuff that must be explored. And stuff that could be dangerous. If you want some breathing space, put him somewhere where he can't do any harm!

(In case this sounds smug, it isn't - have just been at the three year old stage. And have made plenty of mistakes of my own...)

Hmmmmm.

I am going to suggest that a light slap on the bum would have been kinder than taking away a truck. I have a 2yo and a 4yo and I am certain that they would both be extremely upset about a toy being binned and they would remember it for a very long time. Particularly my 4yo, he would remember it for many many months and be disturbed by it. A light slap on the bum would probably have stopped him in his tracks IMO and he would have forgotten about it that day.

Hope runmer has her hard hat ready for a flaming

I know what you're trying to say but I think you may get flamed.