To expect my dp to know what time my son finishes school?

[NordicPrincess]

My DP started a job months ago as a mobile engineer. When he started the job he said that he was allowed to plan his own work load and hours so he could help me out more with the children.
He often takes an hour or so off to see a friend or go shopping. Today I asked him to take lo to school he made a big fuss about it and took him in albeit 5 mins late. I asked him to pick lo up from school today, as he dousnt have much work on. For instance hes sitting in the living room with me now watching cbeebies with our daughter. He went mad about how he couldnt just take time off, i reminded him about his helping out more. We argued as he does nothing to help.

Then he asks me what time our son finishes school-why dousnt he know that? he dousnt know what day reading mroning is, show and tell, what day he has school dinner, what day pe is despite the fact both our son and I talk to him about what has happened that day.

Why is he so against being involved? Ive had to take a day off work at the weekend so that he can do over time just because he wants to, I was unpaid for it. He just seems so disintegrated in our lives

This guy will not change by himself... if he even has the capacity to change at all.

Somewhere down the line he has adopted the view that his responsiblity for your children is not 50/50 and that his needs are more important than yours.

You need to get to the route of why that is, get someone to have the kids one evening and have it out with him..

Does he think your work is less important? Does he think you work less hard? Does he think your needs are less important than his, or the childrens? If so, why does he have this impression.

Of course you are not BU. He should know all of these things, but he doesnt. Somewhere down the line the fact that this is unacceptable has not been effectively communicated to him.

If your input (emotional, labour, financial - whatever the currency is in your particular relationship) is equal to his then your output should be equal too... otherwise he is not loving you sufficiently.

Well it entirely depends on what the 'normal' division of responsibilities is in your house, whether that is reasonable given the work hours you both do, and how much time he has had to adjust to his new routine.

I wouldn't expect DH to know what time school was and what day PE/cooking etc. was happening unless he had been directly involved in it before.

Maybe he should be more involved, but you can't expect someone to know this stuff if they're only just starting to be involved.

D

It so hard explaining it to him. Ive sat him down a hundred times and expalined how ive felt about something and it goes in one ear and then its like Ive never said it.

I work part time only at the weekends and he treats this as an inconvience as he wants to work the optional over time and so moans because he finds it hard to find someone to have the children. He forgets that when he got his arse sacked from his last job for, WATCHING PORN at work and was subsequently out of work for nearly three months it was my little petty shitty job that saved our family from ruin.

I just hate feeling like me asking him to do anything for our family is something i should be grateful for.

Ok, I will say this clearly and only once.

Leave him.

what so i cant expect him to use his ears and listen? listen to his son tal kabout his day. listen to me ask for £2 on fridays so our son can have school dinner and not reain information?

Even my best friend, even my mother knows what time he start and finishes school, and all activinties and my friend has no children and my mum dousnt help ot in the week.

excuse the bad typing, im breast feeding

... The guy sealed his fate with me after the bit where he got sacked for looking at porn at work and then was unemployed for 3 months to be honest... Nordic, read this back and have a word with yourself!

I was so angry with him when that happened. He told me not to tell anyone why he was sacked and his mother just said "oh well, his a man" like that fucking explains anything. He didnt understand why I was so upset, I actually felt really ashamed.
He has no interest in our children, I dont get it. I never agreed to do this alone. Hel pick me up from work on saturdays at half 5 and ask me what im cooking for dinner, he hasnt bought any food so theres nothing in, hasnt fed the children so they are starving and we dont get home until gone 6.

I dont get why he dosunt think, or care.
Id slap him him if i htought it would do any good.

Well now I've read the second post, YANBU, he sounds like a kn0bber, but based on the first post alone, it's maybe not as clear cut.

I doubt my Dad knew exactly what time I started/finished school/had PE/show & tell etc. not because he was cr@p or didn't care, but because he was usually at work and Mum did that stuff. He listened when I talked about PE but wouldn't have had a clue what day of the week it was - I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to file that information away under 'DD schedule' for future reference.

However, your second post suggests he is just generally cr@p, which is a different thing to the first post really.

D

now hes asleep on the sofa-he should be at work.

when i was ill i sent my dd off to nursery with dh (d=daft)saying they needed to hurry up or they would be late. he then sat in the carpark for half an hour as he could not remember what time they went in. they were then v late. he had taken her the day before but he forgot.

forgetting what time is not unusual. it is the attitude of dp that is worrying. especially about the cooking on sat etc. his mothers attitude probably explains a lot.

why are you with this 'man'?

serious question...

Moral - I entirely agree because Nordic - are we with the same man?

My dh has made soooo many promises but never ever delivers - the last time he took ds to the park was in 2008. He does the big daddy thing with school but it's all for show.

He promised to pick up ds. He went at 1pm and was sent away. He was very shocked that he didn't know it was 3.15. He refuses to do any homework with ds as well (not much hw as he's in reception).

It's got to the point that ds who adores his dad (and dh does love him but it's a needy love rather than a giving love) is now saying to me - let's go here/there - but WITHOUT daddy.

I'm making plans to ensure that if I can't cope or it gets worse I can leave.

I suggest you do the same.

What are you and your kids gaining from being with your dp?
Is it worth saving?

I would send the kids to grandparents and have it out- I would explain that you'd felt humiliated by his behaviour at his last job, that he treats you as a second class citizen and that you expect him to face his responsibilities, grow up and start caring for the kids too.

I would be very specific. On the days when I work (which kept us afloat when you were sacked and pays for this this and this..) you make the tea and take the kids out. I expect you to pick them up when I ask and so on and so on.

I would say if things don't change, we'd be better off without you.My dh knows that I would leave him if he didn't pull his weight within in the family.

I have done defineme. So many times and he just says oh i do do stuff, ok il try harder or walks off in ahuff. Its like having another child and it makes such bad feeling because if i do manage to get him to do stuff hes in such a bad mood it ruins it. Maybe my expectations are too high, he had the children all weekend and did nothing with them. He shouts at my son and speaks down to him. It just feels so repressive at home. Ive given up so much to give him our children, my education and earning potential and im left with nothing. He takes all my wages and spends them, hes awful with money. never pays our bills on time. Then he has the audasity to stick his hand down my knickers and get pissed off when i tell him where to do. God forbid the baby should cry, she just gets handed to me and he incinuates maybe she wants milk. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HER SOME DINNER!!!!

sorry.

Need to rant.

Nordic - your last post makes for worrying reading - really.

You have no control over the money you earn?

I do empathise - my dh on that spectrum ie I've given up career to last ditch attempt to have kid - did it - and I'm very happy , but his view is OK - you've done your job so hand over to mil. Not happened obviously and he's gone very nasty.

We';ve run out of money so I need to work again but my earning potential has dropped dramatically. I have interveiw tomorrow but he's not helping finding childcare.

He says he can change shifts and look after ds but history tells me this is not right (a couple of ocassions I came home to find dh snoring with 16 month old crawling around alone).

It's about being an adult. You cannot force people to be adults and take on their responsibilities.

This relationship doesn't sound right for you or your family.

I do sympathise again, I've bent over backwards to accomodate everything. But my situation is not as bad as yours on the joint childcare front and even I'm thinking of my way out of this.

It's all well and good venting but this is a web page - not real life and the resentment must be building.

It sounds as though you are lecturing the guy rather than having a 2 way conversation. Telling someone "hundreds of times" is a poor way to communicate with a child, let alone an adult.
You need to decide what he needs to do to make you want to stay in the relationship and discuss this with him and also listen to how he feels about the nagging, as it sounds as though you are nagging him and that isn't a good way for adults to talk to each other.
If he can't be the man you want him to be, and he does sound a bit useless then you need to think about leaving.
I have difficulty remebering what time my kids' school finishes and have no idea when their dinner hour is.
He isn't a house husband so I think expecting him to know day to day school timetable is unrealistic. If you ask him to pick up a kid from school and he has a flexible enough job to do this then he should make a note of the time in his diary.
I would have thought there's a limit to how flexible his job is though as he'll be sent all over the place and maybe can't leave a job early just to pick up a kid.
If you're sure he could help more but just won't then it's back to the deciding if you'd rather be on your own question.

maybe telling him was the wrong word. ive sat him down to explain how im feeling and what would make things easier at hom but he just dousnt want to listen. Thing is he was at home with the children when he was out of work so he should know these times. Why cant he be interested enough to make sure he remembers in the first place, why dousnt he deem being involved in our family life. I want a man who value sour children as much as I do and who is supportive in creating the kind of family home environment that will help them grow up happy and contented.

Even when he was at home with them he would still call me asking what time school finished or i finished work.

You've sort of answered your own post Nordic = why should you tell him repeatedly - HE SHOULD KNOW.