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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to get my son christened?

29 replies

Lovinmaternityleave · 08/11/2010 09:32

I would love your opinions please. I was brought up Catholic, but now feel very disappointed in the church and want to distance myself from catholisism, but still have my own private faith and (somewhat vague and tentative) ideas about god. My parents are extremely sad, upset and angry that my 'poor son' will not have been christened. They don't mind if I do not bring him up being a catholic, but would love us to get him christened. My husband was never brought up with any faith, and sees it as being hypocritical if we get DS christened, which I agree with. BUT there's a tiny tiny part of me that feels we should, for DS's sake. Please help, I haven't been able to sleep thinking about this. I don't want to disappoint my parents when their faith is so strong, but...??

OP posts:

Bettymoody · 08/11/2010 09:33

say " my kid my rule"
amen

Serendippy · 08/11/2010 09:34

YANBU. I hate going to Christenings where people promise to raise their child in the Catholic faith yet have no intention of doing so. Do something else to mark your DS's arrival if you wish, but don't make empty promises just to please your parents.

CrazyPlateLady · 08/11/2010 09:35

What actual difference would it make to your DS though? You say you think you should for his sake, it will have no difference on his life at all.

If you don't want to do it, don't let what other family members think make you do it just to please them.

No one in my family is christened and we haven't missed out on anything.

ShatnersBassoon · 08/11/2010 09:37

Let your son decide if he's religious when he's old enough to make an informed decision. Your parents would have to be very unreasonable if they refused to understand your choice and shut up about it.

HelenRosie · 08/11/2010 09:37

My mother always said to me that if I didn't have my children christened she would do it herself in the kitchen sink!!

What do you think your son will miss out on if he isn't christened?

alfabetty · 08/11/2010 09:39

Depends if you want him to go to a church school....

But it is your decision - I can see why your parents are upset if they are devout catholics, baptism is an integral and important part of their religion. Could you not go for a C of E service if you have some belief - would their teachings match your views more closely?

Original poster

Lovinmaternityleave · 08/11/2010 09:42

Thank you all! You are so right. I think when I said I felt we should do it for his sake, is just a hangover from my catholic, guilt-ridden upbringing! I hadn't even thought of the fact that we'd have to promise to raise him as a catholic. And that would mean lying in a church, so I will say that to my parents too when they raise the issue again. I fell better now!

OP posts:

chandra · 08/11/2010 09:46

I wasn't really brought up a catholic, my parents used to go to church only for weddings and funerals and were in strong disagreement with many catholic practice and beliefs.

I don't think my beliefs would be considered appropriate by a strict catholic and tbh I don't care. I also hate all the fuss about christening parties as I thought that the real sense of what being christened means, was lost in the middle of wedding like paraphernalia.

However, at some point in my life I had a very strong faith, and that helped me to overcome a very very difficult time, but years after, I also left the church disappointed with the attitude of some very strict catholics in my community.

So, even though I do not go to church anymore, pray, and find it difficult to believe there is a God somewhere out there, I wanted to christen my son so he finds it easier to return to that faith/become active in the church if he so wants in the future (as I did). If he doesn't, it is his choice.

BTW DS christening was a very discrete affair, it took place in Sunday mass, no special arrangements for it. It was done in the strict sense of the meaning, being welcomed by the church, no silly clothes, parties and we only let know a few friends it was taking place. My inlaws who are atheists not religious but kicked off at not being able to be part of the traditional fuss a christening involves in Spain, were mad at us. But tbh, if I had to do everything again I would do exactly the same. It was a lovely day with our best friends as godparents, and a handful of friends who cared to attend at a very short notice.

CrazyPlateLady · 08/11/2010 09:47

I went to a Cof E school as it was my local primary. Never caused any problems because I wasn't christened. Most of my family went there too.

My sister goes to a Catholic secondary school and went to a Catholic primary and isn't Catholic. Just happened to be the best schools in the area.

You don't have to be of a faith to go to the school, obviously you have more chance of getting in but it doesn't mean you won't.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/11/2010 09:50

OP, you say that your parents' faith is "so strong" and want your DS christened, but also that "they don't mind if I do not bring him up being a catholic". Surely if their faith was strong, they WOULD want him brought up catholic?

Either their faith isn't that strong and the christening is for show/a ceremony they take for granted; or they do mind and see the christening as the first step to bringing him into their faith, and might start offering to take him to chapel/Sunday school etc, because hey, after all he's been christened, he should know what it's about, and you can't mind that when you allowed the christening, can you.

How about offering your parents a naming ceremony instead? If they truly don't mind then this may well satisfy them, as they'll be able to experience a ritual, without there actually being any religious dimension.

piscesmoon · 08/11/2010 09:51

You really shouldn't be doing it to get into a school!! It would be hypocritical-stand by your principles.
Tell your parents that DC will decide for himself when he is older and if he decides that he wants to be christened you will attend quite happily.

SparkleSoiree · 08/11/2010 09:52

Faith is such a personal choice. If you have no plans on raising your child as a Catholic due to your own crisis of faith your decision not to christen your child is completely understandable.

If you resolved your crisis of faith in the future and then decided to christen your child, again that is up to you.

You don't even have to justify your reasons. Only you know your family life/setup and whether you plan on practising Catholicism.

Everyone that is upset have to deal with their own issues that arise as a result of this. that is their bag to carry, not yours.

AMumInScotland · 08/11/2010 10:03

In a christening (any flavour!) you would be saying that you intend to raise your child in the Christian faith. If you don't plan to do that, then "dunking" them is not going to make any difference to the child whatsoever, and just makes you a bit of a hypocrite (though I understand why people sometimes feel pushed into it if family go on and on).

Even the Roman Catholic church has changed its position, and no longer says that unbaptised babies don't go to heaven. So, whatever you believe or don't believe, a christening (on its own with no followup of going to church or teaching them yourself) his just meaningless.

I would tell them that no, you are not going to make empty promises in church, when you don't intend to honour them, and that they shouldn't expect you to.

curlymama · 08/11/2010 10:09

You should only have a child Christened if you actually believe in what it means, and intend to go on to raise the child in that faith.

The worst possible reason to get a child Christened is to keep the Grandparents happy.

Fibilou · 08/11/2010 10:13

I'm COE and we do a thanksgiving for new life service if you don't want to go down baptism route, is there something similar in catholic church you could do as a compromise ?

BoobyMcLeaky · 08/11/2010 10:15

Does the church to a thanks giving service? When I had DD christened (not to get into school/ for presents/ for nice pics ) the vicar offered a thanks giving service for people who didn't want to have their child christened but wanted something in church. Would your parents be happy with that? It also might be more appropriate for your beliefs as well?

Some churches don't even allow very small children to be christened as they prefer the child to choose for themselves.

Whatever you decide to do is your choice and your parents should respect that.

maxybrown · 08/11/2010 10:22

There are lots of church schools you can attend without being christened. They also have to allow so many places for other "faiths" too.

We were all brought up in the church, went to church schools. As an adult I have now made my own decisions and am a non believer. My parents don't attend church anymore now either actually and certainly not deeply religious. My DS is the only grandchild (out of 7) to not have been Christened as that would make both DH and I hypocrits. My brothers four are Christened and I imagine that was the last time any of them (the oldest now almost 20) stepped into a church. It seems to be for a lot of people "the next step in a baby's life"

Bloodymary · 08/11/2010 10:32

My Mother always used to say that if you were not christened then you could not be buried in consecrated ground.
Tho, I have since found out that it is simply not true.
Maybe there are still people out there that believe it.
Have to say that it makes no difference to me either way.

Cyclebump · 08/11/2010 10:37

I'm so glad I saw this thread!

Am having the same problem. My parents are CofE and just don't understand why we're not planning to have DC christened. Am pregnant with our first and the arguments have started.

I believe it should be my DC's choice when their old enough to decide as I don't subscribe to a particular faith and DP is almost anti-religious.

I think christening DC and agreeing to bring him/her up in the Christian faith when I have no intention of doing so is a lie.

Chil1234 · 08/11/2010 11:40

The old-fashioned religious superstition is that any baby not christened ends up in 'limbo' if they die. It's precisely that kind of irrational scare-story that puts so many of us off organised religion in the first place. If you don't want to christen a child, don't do it. If you'd like to have a different kind of 'welcome to the family' ceremony without involving religion, there are alternatives. Good luck

FantasticDay · 08/11/2010 11:47

Hi,
Many churches (I'm not sure about RC), but Anglicans, Methodists and Unitarians offer a Thanksgiving/Naming ceremony for a new baby. This can have many of the same elements as a Christening - lighting a candle, pouring water etc., but does not make the claim that the child is now a Christian. I am a (sort of woolly, liberal, did-you see that documentary on Channel 4 kind of) Christian, but I can see that you can't really make claims that an infant has a faith, and would prefer my kids to make their own vows (if they wish) when they are old enough to understand.

JinnyS · 08/11/2010 11:50

Mine have survived a lack of Christening despite strong objections from family.

Even worse was my refusal (polite!!!) to be a godparent as I could not make the required promises. They suggested a proxy could do it for me which sort of misses the point.

Go with what you feel is right.

Whitethorn · 08/11/2010 11:53

YANBU, your parents got to do what they thought was right with you, and now you get to do the same with your DC's

carolondon · 08/11/2010 12:03

I had this issue with my mum (very devout c of e) when i refused to get married in a church (i am an athiest). My mum backed down when i explained that to get married in a church i would have to lie to a priest, as would my DH who is jewish. That seemed to work and she didn't mention it again. Now we have our ds she amazingly has accepted without question that he will not be christened.
Surely your parents would not be happy with you lying in church and this might help them see how hypocritical it would be.

Chil1234 · 08/11/2010 12:11

@Lovinmaternityleave... the reason you feel guilty and unsure about your decision is because that's how religions keep people obedient. You've had a whole lifetime of subtle and not-so-subtle brainwashing from your parents and the church of what awful things will happen if you don't toe the line. Emotional blackmail. That 'tiny part' of you that's feeling doubtful is the residual of that lifetime's conditioning. Stay strong...

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