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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hysterical because my poor nanny

14 replies

redflag · 07/11/2010 21:09

Is going into a hospice.

She had a stroke a little while ago, and they recently informed us she has cancer too, but they cant treat it because she is too ill.

My Dad is going to have a meeting with her doctors to see where she should go.

The thought of her going into a hospice makes me feel hysterical, like its definitely the end. I know i have had a good long time with her (i am 26) but we have not been close since she moved away.And she is only 71.

My Dad is in such a state, he doesn't even know what type of cancer she has, he just keeps saying this is the end.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 07/11/2010 21:14

((HUGS))

71 isn't very old :(

I hope it's not as bad as your Dad thinks it is, but to be honest, if they are suggesting a hospice and not a nursing home, it doesn't sound good.

Are you going to be able to spend some time with her?

catholicatheist · 07/11/2010 21:18

A hospice provides palliative care so no you are right to be very upset as sadly she must be beyond treatment now. I am sorry.

Original poster

redflag · 07/11/2010 21:27

Thanks for both getting back to me, they made it very clear at the hospital if she doesn't recover any more from the stroke it will be very soon she goes.
I am hoping to spend as much time as possible but juggling two children, school and getting 60 miles up the motor way its proving more difficult than i thought.:(

My Dad seems more angry that its my Nan and not Grandad because he "abused his body for all those years" Its a very bad time.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 07/11/2010 21:34

I'm really sorry :(

It is very hard to lose a parent no matter how old or grown up you are. Your Dad is just lashing out...

I really feel for all of you and I'm sorry there isn't anything else I can do to make this better for you. I have been where you are :(

Make sure you ask people for help - there will be people only too willing to have the kids for you so that you can spend time with her - trust me.

Be kind to your Dad, even if he says things you find a bit hard to hear, although he's your Dad - he's also a little boy losing his Mum.

Marjee · 07/11/2010 21:35

Thats really sad

This will probably be no comfort to you right now but my friend works in a hospice and she loves it there. Hospices have a really good staff to patient ratio so they will have lots of time to spend with her, much better to be there than in a hospital. She also told me that everyone who works there does it because they genuinely care about the people they care for rather than just to earn money. At least you can enjoy the time you have left with her knowing that shes being well looked after xx

Original poster

redflag · 07/11/2010 21:53

Hello Marjee, my maternal grandmother works in a hospice too, she says the staff are so kind and loving too the patients, i am hoping my other nan gets a place in her one, its lovely there.

Hi Chippingin,my Dad is a lovely man, i know what you are saying i know he doesn't mean it, he and my uncle have also fallen out with my aunt now. They are all falling apart and blaming each other at the moment.

My Grandfather was a major alcoholic and was sectioned for it many years ago, so i do understand what my dad is saying. Not being mean to my pops.

OP posts:

ForMashGetSmash · 07/11/2010 22:01

I am so sorry....it is very hard...71 is no age for all of this. I wanted to tell you that sometimes, people can come home tobe in their own house at the end...the staff are wonderful and especially the MacMillan Nurses.

BeaSpellsaLot · 07/11/2010 22:08

I'm sorry, 71 really isn't that old, my Nanny is 80 next month and I would be devastated if anything were to happen to her.

I echo sentiments with regards to your dad, it's a hard situation for everyone.

Original poster

redflag · 07/11/2010 22:08

Hello ForMashGetSmart, that is one of the options, but my Dad said my grandad couldn't cope, even though he would have help three times a day. I think she should go home to her own bed, but its not up to me :(

We all live so far away too I would go and stay with her but i have the boys and a sick husband, and they only have a caravan that we could stay in. Plus ds has school.

I just don't know what is best, most likely she will go to the hospice. i just don't want her to be scared.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 07/11/2010 22:16

I've no words of advice I'm afraid, just a huge amount of sympathy. Having been in a similar position to you I think I might know a little of how you feel and for that I ache for you.

Wishing you strength and the support of a warm family and, when the time comes, courage and happy memories.

Val x

Original poster

redflag · 07/11/2010 22:23

Thank you Val, thats very sweet, i am sorry to hear of your loss. xxx

OP posts:

Meglet · 07/11/2010 22:24

Sorry to hear what you are all going through.

I'm never good with words at times like this but if it comforts you at all then she should be well cared for at the hospice. My Dad died in June at our local hospice, the staff were amazing, my stepmum and sister were allowed to stay overnight and there were no visiting restrictions. Dad was with friends & family every moment he was there. The staff 'care' for the family too, it's nothing like a hospital IME.

The Macmillan nurses can be helpful too, although they will need permission from your Nanny to talk about her medical details.

((hugs))

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/11/2010 22:34

I think people like your nanny mean so much to us, I have a family friend who used to look after me when I was little and make things so special for me, and I would be distraught if anything happened to her (she's 80 so not unlikely). I am so sorry you are going through this. As others have said, hospices are usually wonderful places. But it doesn't stop you being sad.

begonyabampot · 07/11/2010 23:29

I'm sorry to hear your news. I have only heard good things about hospices as previous posters have said - much better then a hospital where they don't have time for you. How does your nanny feel, does she want to be at home or away from family, being 'less of a burden'? Every situation is different, with my mum it was very quick but very traumatic and we were lucky to be able to take time at the end to devote to her and nurse her so that she was able to be at home but it was very difficult if satisfying as that is what she wanted. We had an amazing amount of support from MacMillan, Marie Curie and the District Nurses and support workers. It was very hard though and we were young, worked together and it was all over fairly quickly compared to some cases. Only your family can decide though it will be difficult if your GF has to cope alone (if with the help of the organisations already mentioned). Good luck, having family rally together was what got us through it - and having the chance to say goodbye properly.

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