Cousin not invited to birthday party, yeah I know, we've done it before...

[Rocketbird]

DD and her cousin are really really close. They live 5 minutes down the road from us and we see them a lot. They have three children and I love the kids to bits, have always made a fuss of them, done stuff with them etc. For years they nagged at us to have a baby and finally (not because of them!) we did. Good stuff.

But my SIL is really snippy to DD, always blames her for everything, is sometimes quite nasty to her, telling her off and she has grabbed her by the arm when she was about a year old and yanked her to the other side of the room. Often she won't let DD and this particular cousin sit together at meals out etc because they play up (they don't).

Anyway, today is cousin's birthday. They are having a party at a farm nearby. Not only is DD not invited but SIL hasn't even mentioned the party. I only know because my brother mentioned it to my mother. DD wants to see her cousin, give her present and sing happy birthday and is really disappointed that she can't (I haven't told her about the party, no point and no reason to).

I am really pissed off and actually a bit upset by SIL's treatment of DD. My brother invited us over for birthday cake this evening but DH (who got the verbal invitation) said SIL was muttering under her breath about getting back from the party and getting the kids to bed etc so he didn't feel like we were particularly welcome so I've refused and said I'll leave her present in the coal hole (don't ask!) and see her next week.

Am I expecting too much? DD is a lovely little girl and I hate seeing her ignored by SIL like this when I think the world of her children and treat them as I would DD. I know we had a big debate about siblings coming to parties etc but in this case DD is really close friends with the cousin in question and I would have paid for her and stayed and helped at the party if necessary.

SIL asked me to help at the elder cousin's party a few weeks ago so she's happy to have me there when it suits her.

OMG, what a witch!

at SIL grabbing your DD by the arm and yanking her to the other side of the room! Did you say anything to her?

The only explanation I can think of for not inviting your DD is that the other children at the party are classmates and probably much older than her. But SIL should have told you and explained this to you.

Why is your DB allowing her to behave like this?

Actually, that's an insult to witches to call her one. She's pure nasty!

Have you spoken to your brother about this?

I think that you may have to take a step back, despite how much this would pain you and your DD. It is obvious that your SIL is not interested in closer ties with your and your DD, you are setting yourselves up for upset if you carry on.

And next time she asks you to help at a party, tell her to fuck off. Cheeky mare.

What is the age gap between DD and the cousin? For example I always invite my nephew (DH's sister's son) to DS's party as they are both boys just one year different, and I invite my niece (my sister's daughter) to DD's parties (both girls again just one year difference) but don't invite older niece and nephew as age gap too much.

So if cousin is close in age to DD then YANBU if cousin is much older (ie more than 2 years) then YABU.

There's probably not a lot you can do about this, and if your sil is such a cow to your dd, would you really want her to be there knowing she's not really wanted?

It's a shame for your dd, but unless you want to confront her and sort this out, I don't really know what you can do.

Sorry, multiple posts!

Your SIL loved it when you were there to help out with her children, just like she wanted you to help out at the party a few weeks ago. But when you had your DD you were probably not able to help as much so DD is an inconvenience.

Next time she has the cheek to ask for your help, say NO!

YANBU but talking from experience here do not let it bother you (well do, but don't let her see it).

My SIL often doesn't invite me to family stuff because i am not in a couple and it interferes with numbers, this includes kids parties After I heard this I gave up. Like your sil she is quick to ask when she needs advice or help.

She is being a twat, continue to invite dd's cousins over and let her get on with it.

You need to talk to your brother. Tell him if him and SIL don't want to know your child that's fine, you will back off and leave them to it. Be all sweet about it. Then he'll feel bad, might grow a backbone and speak up on your behalf. What do you reckon

Or post the present with a note dripping with sweetness. The aim is to manipulate the situation where she will know what you're doing but he won't have the foggiest, and he might defend you

Ok there is just over 2 year between them, 27 months I think. But they are not so developmentally apart that it makes a huge difference. Obviously I wouldn't expect her to be invited to the 8 year old's party even though they are close as well. So maybe I am BU. Ok but she still could have mentioned it and said, sorry dd is too young otherwise I would have asked her.

We have a funny relationship. As a family we are very close. We go on holiday with them at least once a year and when SIL is in a good mood she's great. We're actually pretty good friends. But she has always been off with dd and never includes her. She'll do things like take her girls fruit picking which dd would have loved and she would never ask us to come. On the other hand, DH's parents live on a private estate which holds their own massive invitation only bonfire party every year. Every year we offer to take her eldest and this year we're taking both of the cousins in question.

Oh I know I'm being U but it just feels so one sided. I'll get over it, I'm just a bit upset by it today.

Just to add, I'm very close to my brother but he works away a lot and the children are very much SIL's domain. Yes, I know! My mother agrees that SIL is being a cow but thinks I shouldn't make a fuss as she is wary of it blowing up into a big feud. SIL is very much the type to hold it against you for the rest of your days!