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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to really really want a little help?

21 replies

extremepie · 07/11/2010 01:26

I don't mean to moan but I'm becoming increasingly frustrated by my husband and would really appreciate some advice! Basically, I work part-time and go to college while my husband looks after our 2 sons (3 and 2). Despite working and studying, I have to cook, clean and basically do everything around the house and it's really getting me down as the place constantly looks a mess and I feel like it's my fault. With everything else sometimes I just don't have the energy to come home and start cleaning!
Have asked my other half to help but mostly this falls on deaf ears, what can I do to get him to start helping me out a bit? We can't swap roles as he says he doesn't want to go back to work, and anytime I try and bring up the subject he gets defensive because he thinks I'm criticizing him and it descends into an argument :? Help! I really don't want to be a nagging wife but I'm just so fed up, we're about to move house and he promises things will change but I am about 99% sure this will not happen :(

OP posts:

mjinhiding · 07/11/2010 01:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RobynLou · 07/11/2010 01:29

YANBU but I don't know how to change the situation.
You need to find the root of the problem I guess, is he disorganised? lazy? depressed? not aware of what needs doing?

once you can figure out why he's not pulling his weight then maybe you can figure out a way to help him get things done.

RobynLou · 07/11/2010 01:31

also it might be an idea take a look at yourself and your standards and seriously consider whether you just need to lower them for the sake of everyones sanity...

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/11/2010 02:18

When my DCs were baby-and toddler, and DH worked Full time I got very little cleaning done during the week, did keep the house tidy, on the whole, did all the washing and ironing, and shared the cooking (70% him, 30% me).

So, whilst I sympathise with your DH, I think he could do a little more. I would, however have felt defensive, if DH had criticised me (although you are on stronger grounding because you work PT, so know exactly what looking after the DCs requires).

Have your standards always been higher than his?
As the others have said - could he be depressed?

If not - this does seem unfair, You are stretched very thin

Could you afford a cleaner?

JarethTheGoblinKing · 07/11/2010 03:29

"he says he doesn't want to go back to work"

Poor baby...

does he have any medical reason why he can't shift his arse out of the house and into work? I understand jobs are hard to come by at the moment, but there is always a temp job going...

If you're out of the house most of the time, he really needs to pull his weight wrt housework.

If you're near me I shall come and ceremonially KICK him up his lazy arse.

chillichill · 07/11/2010 03:33

I'm on mat leave, my husband works. I do 70% of the cleaning/100% of the tidying and washing. he helps by hoovering, mopping, cat box on his days off. we have always had this policy, even before dd, whoever isn't working does the housework, only fair.
I know looking after little ones is work but once the house is clean, it really does not take all that much to keep it that way. I maybe spend 30 min a day cleaning, one room a day a week, and maybe another 30 min between the washing. washing up and keeping tidy. if dd is having a clingy day it might be broken up into.a number of 5-10 minute cleaning sprees.
surely he can find the time to do 15-30 min once or twice a day?

thomsc · 07/11/2010 04:16

I'm a SAHD with 2 DS (4 and 22m) and I do all the shopping, all the cooking, daily tidying and cleaning work surfaces etc (ok... we do have a cleaner once a week).

My wife tends to be more on the ball with laundry, but I do my fair share of that too. She's way better at folding stuff too. .

He needs to pull his finger out.

Is your DS1 going to a nursery? he can get 15 hours a week for free. That frees up the odd nap time etc with DS2 for a spot of housework.

ENormaSnob · 07/11/2010 08:55

He either needs to pull his finger out or get a job IMO.

lizziemun · 07/11/2010 09:27

I agree 'not wanting to go out work' is not a good enough excuse for not doing most of the housework/cooking.

BTW you are not a nagging wife, your h realy needs to do his fair share or get a job. Yes it is hard I have a 3ys & 22mth at home and a 6.5yr and although dh does very little as his hours at the moment have gone crazy and he is barely here.

Original poster

extremepie · 08/11/2010 00:39

I do understand how hard it is being at home all the time, especially with 2 at home so close together, I stayed at home for 9 months after DS2 was born but it drove me mad because I felt so lonely and isolated, plus our money situation means one of us has to work or we would really struggle!
As it is, I only work part-time so I can spend some time with the kids but I only earn just above minimum wage so a cleaner isn't really an option (although it would be lovely :))
My H has struggled with depression but is getting better, this is one of the reasons why I sometimes feel bad for moaning but unfortunately it's not something that can be fixed overnight :(
DS1 is now at nursery 5 afternoons a week, and as we don't have a car we have a half hour walk each way to take him there and back, which I appreciate does take up a large chunk of his day but I just get so frustrated sometimes when I come home and have to clean the kitchen, before I cook dinner, after having worked all day (if I do a double shift it's 10-11 hours). Most of the time I don't even bother asking anymore because I know it won't get done .
I don't really have 'standards' as such, I'm not expecting miracles or perfection, I'm not an especially tidy person myself, but just basic things like emptying an overflowing rubbish bin I do expect!

OP posts:

RobynLou · 08/11/2010 07:31

I had pnd and when I was struggling something like emptying a bin did seem overwhelming it seems ridiculous to say it now, but there you go.
I wrote myself lists of really basic tasks - including things like brush teeth as well as chores.
Maybe coming up with a list of the basic things that need doing each day and splitting them up so that you have some tasks which are yours and he has (more) that are his, then he can have a checklist to work through, the key is making sure its easily manageable, so that he doesn't get defeated.
Also, and this sounds so patronising to him, but positive reinforcement works on adults the same way it works on children, if you always criticise and point out what hasn't been done it makes him feel crap and defensive, if you can find something to thank him for everyday he'll feel encouraged to do more. it's management technique - 2 positives for every negative..... When I was in the midst of pnd my husband always thanked me for washing up/cooking dinner/tidying the living room - really basic things, but it helped to give me a sense of self worth and achievement.

RobynLou · 08/11/2010 07:35

Figuring out a meal plan really helped me with getting the cooking done too - having to think of something for lunch and dinner everyday used to really get me down. could you sit down together and figure out a 14 day meal plan so he just has to look at the list and do what it says - so so much easier than wandering around tescos in a haze trying to think of something to make, that was something else that used to seem like an insurmountable task to me.
its good for budgeting too!

DuelingFanjo · 08/11/2010 07:40

Does he even do the basic things like putting washing in the machine?

I think if anyone stays at home then things like housework, loads of washing, making dinner should be in the main part of their role.

I think expecting you to cook dinner every evening is just wrong.

If it were me I would just stop doing it.

Sparklerz · 08/11/2010 07:49

I can imagine the response if a SAHM was called a baby and had offers to kick her up her lazy arse.

When you come home things should be shared equally though. I don't think it's always possible to do stuff with 2 little children but when you are both home you should share the jobs.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 08/11/2010 07:53

When I am home I find cooking dinner hard as it needs sustained attention rather than being done in bursts or able to leave it if one of them screams.

I do however manage to tidy, dishwasher, washing machine, go shopping, hoover etc.

I struggle to put clothes away but that is because they have to be put away in bedrooms and unless I drag DD (2) and DS2 (12 weeks) with me they would be left alone together downstairs and I dread to think what would happen

bellavita · 08/11/2010 08:20

When mine were little and I was at home, I cleaned the house whilst they napped. I did all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc. I think it is all about prioritising and keeping on top of things.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/11/2010 08:28

sahms generally seem to manage to do more in the house that ops dh though. Clearing up the kitchen after breakfast and lunch should be minimum so you could start cooking straight away. Why can he not have family dinner ready for when you come home?

herbietea · 08/11/2010 08:32

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bonfireblue · 08/11/2010 08:42

Hmmm. I think that considering your DCs ages DH should be able to do some housework. Surely they would sit and watch TV for half an hour whilst he sorted some washing and hoovered? They could even help him with tidying/dusting if he turns it into a game or introduces a reward system.

My DDs are 2.8 and 9 months. I have to admit I don't get much cleaning done during the week, but I manage to do a load of washing, hoover downstairs and clean the bathroom every day. I also wash up after every meal (although not always straight away!)If he can't at least manage that, then he's either being lazy or just doesn't know what needs to be done and you need to tell him.

DuelingFanjo · 08/11/2010 08:46

If this was abolut a SAHM I would be saying the same to be honest. Considering the ages of the children I would think an early family dinner is more sensible and that's something the stay at home parent should be starting before the working parent has come home.

Things like washing up after dinner could be shared or left to the working parent and then bedtime routines etc shared.

Original poster

extremepie · 08/11/2010 13:19

RobynLou I think the meal plan is a great idea, it would give him a bit of focus but also save us from buying a load of random stuff from the shop and then finding we have no meals because nothing goes together! Thanks for the tip :) Cooking he tends to leave to me because, to be fair, I am better at it, and am training to be a chef but it would be nice to come home one day and have it done for me, or if I cook, for him to clean up after. I think you are all right in that once it's tidy it's easier to keep it that way but it just never gets to that stage at the moment! Considering throwing away half the stuff we own just so I have less to tidy up

OP posts:

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