to think that they are just bloody rude?

[Asteria]

I live in a delightfully rural area, jammed to the rafters with really lovely married friends, but am a single parent and don't have any single friends living nearby. I have girly lunches, get DS's friends and their mothers over for after school teas and on occasion have supper parties. I would have more supper parties but it is getting embarrassing as I am NEVER invited back to anything but girly things. My mother (who also had a stint as a single parent) assures me that this is just because of people's insecurity about inviting attractive single girls into their happily married cliques - but I'm getting to a point when i just think that it is bloody rude! I have actually considered moving house because of it - but is this a nationwide phenomenon? Am I being unreasonable for finding this upsetting?

From the other side of the fence, I rarely invite single people of either sex to mixed dinner parties, not because they're a threat but because I think they may feel awkward.

Either they're the only single among 3 or 4 couples, or I'd have to think about inviting a single of the opposite sex and think that would be excruciatingly obvious as a set-up, which I wouldn't want to do.

Hearing your perspective, I shall change my ideas!

Are you sure that these other people are having supper parties and leaving you out, as opposed to just not having many supper parties at all?

I agree with mumblechum but it would depend on what the single person was like - eg shy or outgoing etc and certainly I would return invites!

YANBU.

Whenever we have dinner parties, we invite single friends as well as couples. They're just friends - not antihero species.

Your Mum may well be right re her theory, and I've obviously heard that before, but are there really married women out there who honestly think their husband is going to run off with the singleton...? Really?

I have not met anyone this insecure.

Mumble - I would rather be one person surrounded by couples - or even matched up with another girl to avoid that tricky set-up scenario - than to sit at home alone every night of the bloody week!!!

Cocopops - they seem to be constantly partying - I know that this isn't the case but it can seem it. I had a supper party every month last year and three drinks parties - I have been invited back to one which was a children's supper party so it didn't really count...

Antihero!! Gotta love corrective texting!

Should be not another species.

Do you truly think that you're not invited because the wives (your "really lovely married friends") think you'll steal their DH's? Seems unlikely.

As CocoPops says, are these people having supper parties at all?

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to be making a big deal of it. Have you tried talking to your friends about it?

I did wonder!

Well this is where I think that the being bloody rude kicks in rather than some silly insecurity! If I was some sort of man eating husband stealer I would completely understand - but I'm really not!

I've been on my own for two years now and haven't noticed much difference. I still get invited out with married couples. The only time I was left out was at a cricket club ball when all the married friends in my circle went and I wasn't included. Presumably because I'd have made an odd number at the table or something.

I find the idea that people are excluding you because you are a threat both absurd and insulting.

But - yes, these people are very rude if they are not inviting you back.

I mentioned the fact that I hadn't been invited out to a grown up supper for nearly a year to a friend (who I have had to mine on countless occasions) and she seemed genuinely shocked - but that was 3 months ago and nothing has come of it.

I'm not running about shouting about it and making a big deal because I find it really embarrassing. But DreamsInBinary - wouldn't you feel a little put out if you were sitting alone every night>

Sullwah - i am not trying to insult anyone - that was just my mother's opinion (she admittedly has issues).

Nope this hapens to me too. Since I have been on my own I have had very, very few social occasions with couples. And I am so very far from being a nubile husband stealer as to be on a different planet. Any social outings WITH couples have been instigated by me, so by me inviting them.

Not only did my couples friends abandon me, but single friends who then went on to become couples also dumped me!

It's a shame, but it's their loss!!!!!

it is their loss - but that doesn't furnish us with adult conversation in the evenings does it!

True...thank god for MN. I used to get quite upset about this when it finally dawned on me that this was happening.

Now I use the time to put into my business, and another new one I am starting, and thank the lord I don't have to sit through another dinner party where the men take over the conversation, and if you dare to butt in with an opinion you are looked at as though you have three heads!

gettingagrip putting your new found time into your businesses is fantastic of you - but all work and no play......

I'm single and I've noticed that one friend in particular (we go back years) doesn't like inviting me on my own 'cos I mess up her table placement. She has had several dinner parties with all my other friends (in nice neat 2x2 couples) and left me out. I did find it very hurtful.

Thankfully we have a mutual male friend who is once again single so I am back to being invited again 'cos together we neaten things up. I hadn't realised how often this happened until a third party actually thought we were a couple........

Asteria I used to feel exactly like you do. There's nothing worse. That was before I had a child. Now I'm a single parent with a child it's even worse! I think, probably, your friends either don't realise that you would like to be invited (in which case I would say something) or are, in fact, just rude. It may be that you've become pigeon-holed as a lunch time "girlfriend" and your friends may need enlightening!

I found that admitting how lonely I am/was helped but you have to be willing to make yourself quite vulnerable to do that. I'm past caring.

I think its rude. If they are your friends the they should be inviting you out to parties (even if it is couples) because you are on your own.

And I dont believe that between them you are the only single person tehy know (really? are you in DM land?)

Out of my friends there is one who is single and apart from that she is invited to everything we also go on girly nights out - no kids its a four in the morning effort - from time to time.

Change of friends time maybe?

I am amazed that people have so many dinner parties and drinks parties, we never ever do far too much trouble, we just don't socialise with other couples, maybe we are anti social freaks

sfxmum I admittedly did a big push last year on the drinks and dinners - but that was to try and redress the problem. I had coffee with a couple of girls the other day and one of them actually sat next to me and said that she was innundated with newly divorced single men and finding it really hard to make up numbers. I felt invisible!

A change of friends would be very hard on my son as he is very close to their children - besides - i would probably have to move house for that!

This happens to me. Very rude, especially when you have lots of supper parties yourself.
I had to actually point it out to my friends and they said they hadn't really thought about it but as people don't tend to sit in couples and all the women end up sat chatting together then they decided to start including me.

I was only brave enough to say it to certain friends though (or the ones that I would like to go round for dinner with)

When you have supper parties at your house is it all couples and you? If so then it's really weird that they don't think to invite you back but if they are your good friends you should feel comfortable saying something.

Imisssleeping I generally have myself and 3 or 4 couples, unless I can find a spare man to make up numbers when I have dinner parties at home. I would far rather be a third wheel than sit at home on my own!

the thing is I have said something - directly to one girl and indirectly (ie - I haven't been invited out to supper this year - what's wrong with me) to others. There is a big part of me that is so embarrassed I don't really want to admit it at all. Clearly i can be far more frank on here!

I would never exclude single friends like this. How strange.